The first rule in dealing with all of this is to stop doing all the things that never worked to begin with. Placating doesn't work. Acting nicer than you feel doesn't work. Giving lavish presents to stingy relatives and resenting their lack of gratitude doesn't work. So just stop. When you stop trying to revive your expectations and just let others be who they are, much of your frustration will fall away.
Second, look around and give others what they really want. I'm not talking about psychoanalyzing your family. Most people want simple things: appreciation, gratitude, validation, affection, someone who will listen. When you consciously provide any of those things, magic occurs.