How to Let Someone Really See You

Intimacy is a hot and often difficult subject. It implies letting someone else get close to you to see all your secrets and hidden places. An intimate relationship means you are willing to let go of your defenses and be seen by another for who you are, including all of your vulnerabilities and weaknesses—into me you see—which can be terrifying.

Intimacy can cause fear, apprehension, even a shutdown of feelings. Rather than exploring the longed-for togetherness, it can all get too overwhelming, causing you to retreat back into your own corner, hesitant to reach out again. Being seen so closely can feel as if you are totally exposed with nowhere to hide. So then you resist and put up an invisible wall in an attempt to protect yourself from such exposure, and from rejection and hurt. However, as much as this wall may protect you, it also shuts you off from your own feelings.

One of the great benefits of a loving relationship is that it provides a safe space for all of these fears—which have never before seen the light of day—to be acknowledged, known and held. In other words, love brings up everything that isn't love. This is especially true as a relationship enters into a deepening familiarity. In the midst of all the good stuff, past hurt, insecurity or self-doubt can emerge, straining a relationship. Yet moments like this are an invitation to embrace yourself and breathe into the fearful places so you can come defenseless into a relationship.

If you look at the word more closely, intimacy also implies getting to know yourself more deeply—into me I see. It suggests that the more you know yourself, the less need there is to hold back or have secrets—you can be open and accepting of your faults. This enables you to be much closer to someone else. When you can make friends with yourself, you can make friends with others.

Intimacy is not something that can be forced or pulled out of a hat; it comes through the letting go of resistance, through softening and opening to yourself and to each other. This doesn't mean you have to be perfect before you step into intimacy—the monsters don't just pack up and move out overnight—but simply that the person you are in this moment is open and willing to share.

Meditation enables you to accept discomfort instead of trying to smooth over or deny the bumps. You can accept embarrassment and shame, gently embracing whatever is there. Accepting yourself as you are is immensely liberating. As one of our teachers said, "Never be embarrassed by yourself."

Accepting and Loving Yourself
Find a comfortable place to sit with your back straight and close your eyes.

Become aware of your breath. Silently repeat three times: "I am aware that I am breathing." Your breath is your best friend...the closer you are to your breath, the greater the feeling of inner peace.

Now bring awareness to your physical body. Silently repeat three times: "I am aware of the whole of my body." Visualize your body as if it were a temple...you live in this temple your whole life...know that your body is a blessing, a great gift.

Now focus awareness to the center of your heart...breathe into this space, into your heartspace...your heart is like a beautiful flower opening in the sun. Silently repeat three times: "I am aware of my heart opening."

Your life is a gift to be cherished...treasure yourself always. Silently repeat: "My breath is my friend...my body is my temple...my heart is open and loving."

When you are ready, take a deep breath and open your eyes.

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