Three in One
SKULLWEAR: Keith Richards owns this look. Step off, motherf***er.
STUPID T-SHIRTS: Tell us you can't read and we'll leave you alone.
THE "MANDAL" WITH SOCKS: As coined by Adam Glassman, creative director of O magazine. That would be a man sandal worn with socks. Athletic socks are ridiculous, but you jump to maximum-penalty status if you're caught wearing sandals with, dare we say, black socks.
Windbreakers, sweatshirts, golf shirts, and gym bags emblazoned with the company logo scream "free clothes." Don't look to your employers to dress you. They've got other things to do, like running the company. Never in the history of human sexuality has a woman ever passionately growled, "I can't wait to get home and rip that Met Life shirt off you."
This is a denim shirt or denim jacket worn with jeans, which gives the illusion that you're wearing a denim jumpsuit. We know you love them both, but you're going to have to choose one or the other. Sorry. And don't go thinking that you can get away with substituting a "chambray" shirt for a denim one, either. They're the same thing. Plus, we're pretty sure "chambray" is French Canadian for "douche."
For a guy, his tie is like a woman's breasts. It's one of the first things the opposite sex sees upon meeting you. If your tie is ugly, corny, or ragtag, you're already presented yourself as a putz. If you can't even get the tie right, we figure the worst is yet to come.
Black on black. You're either Guido, Johnny Cash, or have recently emerged from your suburban closet without a clue. Only works on the groovesters and rockabillies.
Sunglasses Worn Backwards
If you're wearing one in your car, great. We're all for safety. It's the rest of you: walking down the street or sitting in a restaurant, waving your arms and talking loudly to an invisible friend. You look like you're either completely insane or else a pretentious ass. Never works.
Go Shirtless In Public
It doesn't work on the jogging path, at the baseball game, or walking down the street. We don't care what the temperature is. The only acceptable places to be shirtless are at the beach, in the shower, and in bed.
It was bad enough back in the day when actual polo-wearing preppies used this gesture as a way to broadcast their supposed WASPy superiority. The fact that some of you are now imitating those pastel-wearing posers to suggest you too are part of the same uber-elitist contingency makes you twice as bad. They were genuine tools. You're a fake tool.
Creepy Bodybuilding Supplements
Weird powders that get made into shakes, mysterious "enhancers," and hundreds of vitamins, all probably chock-full of steroids and coated with Hulk Hogan's armpit sweat. And then a ninety-minute dissertation on how this will help you grow more muscle. GOTTA GO! The only person you should be dating is your spotter.
Excerpt courtesy of the Random House Publishing Group