Ramona hasn't spoken to her daughter Jennifer in six months. "Jennifer and I are very different," Ramona says. "She's very promiscuous. She does drugs. She drinks. She wants to be the center of attention."
Their already troubled relationship was forced to the breaking point when Jennifer was picked up for a DUI and put in jail. "My granddaughter was in the car with her," Ramona says. "My granddaughter was put into foster care for three days and I went ballistic. She could have killed my granddaughter. She could have killed herself...we just quit talking."
"My mom is a judgmental person," Jennifer says. "I can't tell her anything. I don't feel she loves me...I think my problem is having fun. I'm an extreme want-to-have-fun person."
Jennifer says that she had been drinking from 11 in the morning until 8 at night before driving with her baby daughter in the car.
"I don't even know what to say to that," Oprah says. "Do you know what to say to yourself at this point?"
"It's something I think about every hour...I've come to grips with it and I've had six months to get a process going in my life. I've been to meetings for the DUI."
Dr. Gail Saltz, M.D., author of Becoming Real, is a psychotherapist who helps mothers and daughters overcome conflict. "First," she says, "can I say overall that there is a tremendous amount of anger going on which is masking sadness. I think Jennifer is extremely self-destructive. You're trying to get attention from your mom. Negative attention often feels better than no attention at all, sadly. And Ramona, you've really defined your daughter by her mistakes."
Oprah points out that a key word Jennifer used was "extreme"—she wants to have extreme fun. "Yes, definitely," Dr. Saltz agrees. "I think that fun is [Jennifer's] defense against sad, against anxious."
Ramona and Jennifer believe that they've been through too much and will never be able to reconcile. Dr. Saltz tells them "there's never too much water under the bridge. There really is always time if both of you want it and are willing to work for it."
Oprah asks Ramona and Jennifer what they'd like most to say to each other.
Ramona: I want to say I'm sorry for being very critical of you. I love you and I really want to start over. Let's move forward from here.
Jennifer: I want you to accept me. You know the bad parts because that's what you see in me, but there's more. And I'm sorry, too. You know I love you.
Oprah: That's a beginning.
This daughter says that even though she's a grown woman, her mother, Debbie, checks up on her like a detective.
"I'm 27 years old," says Jennifer, "and my mom still treats me like I'm 12 years old. My mom is nosy, controlling and judgmental. She's constantly checking up on me and calling on the phone. She even follows me in her car!"
Debbie says that she worries about Jennifer because she disapproves of her lifestyle: "She'll go out to the bars...She has two babies and going out to the bar is not right...Jennifer withholds a lot of things from me and that's where I become nosy. She just doesn't tell me the truth sometimes...I crave one-on-one time with Jennifer. I want to be her best friend."
"[Your daughter] has to have certain things private," Dr. Saltz tells Debbie. "If you are a successful mother, your chick will fly from the nest—She would want you in her life if you weren't there 24/7. So if you get out, she will make you feel [wanted]."
