Dr. Phil's All Star Advice - Episode 4
PAGE 5
Two weeks ago I cheated on my wife, I feel ashamed. It was a one time thing only and I feel very guilty. Should I tell my wife? I would just like to pretend that it never happened. -Anonymous email from Oprah.com
DR. PHIL: All right. Well, let me answer your question and first off, I wanna tell you straight up, you don't get that kinda pass. I'm not gonna tell you whether you should tell your wife this or not. I'm gonna tell you what the pros and cons are; you should have thought about this two weeks ago. But here's the deal. Are you tellin' her for what reason? What's your reason for telling her? Is it because you wanna purge your guilt by dumping it on her? If you're doing that, then that's being selfish. And the other option is, okay, do I wanna live with a lie for the rest of my relationship? So, you put yourself in a bad situation. And my dad used to say, "There's no good way out of a bad situation." And you're in a bad situation here. So, I want you to ask yourself is, what's the impact gonna be on her. Is she gonna feel better? Is she gonna feel worse? Are you going to let this guilt, uh, erode you across time?
Okay. Let me ask the audience by a show o' hands. If your spouse had cheated on you, one time deal, never done it again, would you wanna know, raise your hand? (hands go up in audience) Okay, that looks like about a third. If you would not wanna know, put it behind you, don't tell me, but don't ever do it again, raise your hand. (hands go up in audience) Okay... And the rest of you didn't raise your hand, so if you would just kill the sonofabitch, raise your hand. (Gayle raises hand) (laughter) Okay, all right, got it. Got it. (applause) I knew there was an option you would like. I knew there was an option you would like. Okay, now, I guarantee you, you're all sittin' there now saying, "Could that be my husband that wrote that letter?"(laughter) So, how do you spot a cheater? There's seven signs that I want you to look at. Number one, if you get unexplained absences or activities, I mean, he says, "All right, listen, I gotta work. I'm sorry." And he's got a home job? That's a clue. Okay? You gotta watch for that.
GAYLE KING: Or, or he comes home at three in the morning, Phil.
DR. PHIL: Yes, he comes home at three in the morning, or he goes fishing with no worms. Or just one worm. I mean, that's, that's a problem. All right, number two. Number two, defensiveness and withdrawn behavior. Because here's what happens. A guilty conscience, they start projecting it as anger. So they can get really defensive. "And why are you asking me that???? Everything is threatening. Like, "What'd you today?" "Why do you wanna know!? Well, Dr. Phil said you're cheatin', that's why. (laughter) Number three, changes in affection or interest. I mean, all of a sudden they've been chasing you around the house? And all of a sudden they ain't chasin' you anymore? That's a problem, you need to pay attention to it. Communication problems, where everything becomes secretive. Look, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. They don't hide passwords. They don't hide their emails, they don't hide their cell phones. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Five financial woes, and what I mean by this, they're startin' - money's disappearing. I mean, come on, i-it is just disappearing. And six, lying. And it doesn't have to just be about this. Lying about things that just don't add up. You can always tell somebody's lying when they start answering questions that aren't asked. (laughter) You know, really, they start to say like, uh, "Well, what'd you do today?" "Well, I didn't go to the bar, I can tell you that!" (laughter) You know, they answer questions that aren't asked. I mean, come on. And when it comes to this kinda thing, men are out of their depth in a parking lot puddle. This is not hard to see. Okay? And an unexplained critical attitude, 'cause they've gotta work up a mad to justify what they did. So, if all of a sudden they're just pickin' on you for nothing', there's somethin'.
Next:I just caught my husband masturbating. Is it normal to masturbate even if you have a robust sex life?
DR. PHIL: All right. Well, let me answer your question and first off, I wanna tell you straight up, you don't get that kinda pass. I'm not gonna tell you whether you should tell your wife this or not. I'm gonna tell you what the pros and cons are; you should have thought about this two weeks ago. But here's the deal. Are you tellin' her for what reason? What's your reason for telling her? Is it because you wanna purge your guilt by dumping it on her? If you're doing that, then that's being selfish. And the other option is, okay, do I wanna live with a lie for the rest of my relationship? So, you put yourself in a bad situation. And my dad used to say, "There's no good way out of a bad situation." And you're in a bad situation here. So, I want you to ask yourself is, what's the impact gonna be on her. Is she gonna feel better? Is she gonna feel worse? Are you going to let this guilt, uh, erode you across time?
Okay. Let me ask the audience by a show o' hands. If your spouse had cheated on you, one time deal, never done it again, would you wanna know, raise your hand? (hands go up in audience) Okay, that looks like about a third. If you would not wanna know, put it behind you, don't tell me, but don't ever do it again, raise your hand. (hands go up in audience) Okay... And the rest of you didn't raise your hand, so if you would just kill the sonofabitch, raise your hand. (Gayle raises hand) (laughter) Okay, all right, got it. Got it. (applause) I knew there was an option you would like. I knew there was an option you would like. Okay, now, I guarantee you, you're all sittin' there now saying, "Could that be my husband that wrote that letter?"(laughter) So, how do you spot a cheater? There's seven signs that I want you to look at. Number one, if you get unexplained absences or activities, I mean, he says, "All right, listen, I gotta work. I'm sorry." And he's got a home job? That's a clue. Okay? You gotta watch for that.
GAYLE KING: Or, or he comes home at three in the morning, Phil.
DR. PHIL: Yes, he comes home at three in the morning, or he goes fishing with no worms. Or just one worm. I mean, that's, that's a problem. All right, number two. Number two, defensiveness and withdrawn behavior. Because here's what happens. A guilty conscience, they start projecting it as anger. So they can get really defensive. "And why are you asking me that???? Everything is threatening. Like, "What'd you today?" "Why do you wanna know!? Well, Dr. Phil said you're cheatin', that's why. (laughter) Number three, changes in affection or interest. I mean, all of a sudden they've been chasing you around the house? And all of a sudden they ain't chasin' you anymore? That's a problem, you need to pay attention to it. Communication problems, where everything becomes secretive. Look, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. They don't hide passwords. They don't hide their emails, they don't hide their cell phones. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Five financial woes, and what I mean by this, they're startin' - money's disappearing. I mean, come on, i-it is just disappearing. And six, lying. And it doesn't have to just be about this. Lying about things that just don't add up. You can always tell somebody's lying when they start answering questions that aren't asked. (laughter) You know, really, they start to say like, uh, "Well, what'd you do today?" "Well, I didn't go to the bar, I can tell you that!" (laughter) You know, they answer questions that aren't asked. I mean, come on. And when it comes to this kinda thing, men are out of their depth in a parking lot puddle. This is not hard to see. Okay? And an unexplained critical attitude, 'cause they've gotta work up a mad to justify what they did. So, if all of a sudden they're just pickin' on you for nothing', there's somethin'.
Next:I just caught my husband masturbating. Is it normal to masturbate even if you have a robust sex life?
