By Dr. Shefali Tsabary
300 pages; Namaste Publishing
Available at Amazon| Barnes & Noble | Indiebound　

Positive reinforcement is a way to teach our children their goals are achievable and praiseworthy. Positive reinforcement strategies serve as an addendum to the parenting journey.

The caveat is that such strategies must never replace the real foundation of the parenting process: the parent-child relationship. If parents rely on external motivators, children don’t learn how to set or achieve their own goals. The ultimate aim of parenting is to encourage a child in self-initiation, self-motivation, and self-actualization.

Reinforcers need to be relational and experiential in nature. They can be used to help a child accomplish such things as studying for an exam, performing chores, improving their table manners, or stopping hitting. Here are 15 strategies I've found helpful with my clients:

1. 1) JAR OF FUN: Place a jar in your child's room. In the jar, write down activities and experiences your child loves to do with you or their friends on separate slips of paper. Every week your child accomplishes a certain goal, they get to pick a slip of paper and enjoy that activity.


2. 2) 360 FEEDBACK: Once a week, the entire family sits down and gives each other a 360 feedback on core contributions—chores, cooperation with others, goals accomplished, health, respect, and so on. Everyone writes on line about each other and about themselves. Then they discuss ways to help the person achieve their goals. This is a great way for families to share their feelings with each other, as well as a wonderful modeling tool for children to witness their parents being honest about their own limitations and their willingness to work on issues.


3. 3) ROLE-PLAYING: Once week, each family member thinks of one situation during the week that was either positive or negative. They enact the situation with either the people involved or another family member who takes on the role. The family then discusses what worked or didn’t work in the situation, and why.


4. 4) CHART CREATION: Every week, the children create their own charts for the week. They set out what they wish to accomplish for the week, describe how they will feel once they have done so, and decide how they would like to reward themselves. None of the rewards involve the parent buying something. The children can suggest games or activities the whole family can participate in as reinforcers. Having children create their own charts gives them the opportunity to organize their desires, while also stimulating them to find ways to achieve these desires on their own.

1. 5) PICK THE MENU FOR THE NIGHT:Children who meet their goals are given the opportunity to select the menu for the night. This gets children involved in the planning and execution of the meal, while also giving them a chance to pay attention to the meal preferences of other family members.


2. 6) BOX OF TREASURES: The parents fill a box with colorful pencils, erasers, and markers that the children can pick from once a week to reinforce the behaviors and tasks accomplished. Parents can make this a fun time for the children as they collect their "prize."


3. 7) MOMENT OF SILENCE: Instead of punishing children for their negative behavior, the parent can use these opportunities to encourage quiet in their child's life. For example, if a child is rude or hitting someone, the parent can gently take the child aside and lead them into a moment of silence. Let them know that it's time to take a breather and enter stillness. The parent then sits with them to show them how it's done. After a minute of two, the child can be redirected into a conversation about the misbehavior, as well as praised and hugged for entering silence during a difficult emotion.


4. 8) ALARM CLOCK FUN: Instead of playing police with your child, introduce the power of alarm clocks. Buy your child a few fun and easy-to-use alarm clocks and preset the alarms for activities of the day: homework, bath time, reading time, sleep time. When the child finishes all the tasks at the right time, they can check off the day on a chart. At the end of the week they get a treat from the treasure box or jar of fun, depending on how many checks they collected.


5. 9) VIDEO YOUR CHILD: This can be a tricky reinforcer and needs to be used with your child's consent. When your child is engaging in a positive behavior, you can video it. At the end of the week, create a collage of these movies to show the family. When a child sees themselves "on screen" engaging in positive behavior, it's more likely to motivate them to continue their behavior. It also allows the family to be involved in praising and motivating a child.


6. 10) LET THE CHILD BE THE TEACHER: The best way to get children to learn a behavior is have them teach the behavior to someone else. Have your child be the teacher and let them instruct one of the parents in the behavior. Not only will this raise their self-esteem; it will also help embed the behavior with greater effectiveness than simply telling them what to do. Good examples of this are allowing the child to pick the activity for the evening and prepare for it in advance, with the whole family participating.


7. 11) THE MANNERS PARTY: If your child is having a problem with manners, have a manners party. Pick out a few movies in which the people have impeccable manners and watch the snippets. Then practice for yourselves, and have a party while doing so. Get teacups, have tea and cookies, and pretend to have the best manners in the party.

1. 12) CHALLENGE LADDER: Draw a ladder of challenges on a large sheet of paper and stick it on a wall. On each rung write down different gradients of a challenge. For example, if the ultimate goal is to read a difficult book, you might start with "reading two pages aloud with mommy." Then proceed to "reading two pages alone." Then proceed to "reading ten pages alone," and so on. This allows children to feel accomplished even when they aren’t able to complete the big task at hand. It also teaches them that every big task can be broken down into smaller, more-achievable pieces. It's helpful for parents to have a similar chart in their room with a goal they are working on.


2. 13) WHAT RISK DID I TAKE TODAY? Have a conversation around the table about the importance of taking risks and, more importantly, the importance of making mistakes. Teach your children that if they don’t become comfortable with making mistakes, they will never take on new challenges. This exercise acts as a reinforcer for learning new behavior and challenging oneself. Have each family member go around the table and share the biggest faux pas of the day. It could be not exercising, messing up a piano practice, or being forgetful of someone's birthday. The bigger the mess up, the louder the applause. This teaches children to feel unashamed of their mistakes, and to own them without fear of reprimand or disapproval. Means by which we can approve can also be discussed.


3. 14) DATE WITH MOMMY OR DADDY: This is a popular reinforcer. When the child has accomplished their goals, they get to choose a special activity with mommy or daddy, spending time alone with them. This serves the purpose of reinforcing their behavior, as well as strengthening the parent-child connection.


4. 15) LOVE NOTES: Leave notes for your child in their lunch box or in random places such as their pencil case, on their bathroom mirror, or in their shoes. Be specific about exactly what you are proud of and why. The more specific you are, the more meaningful the reinforcer will be. It's better to focus on process- oriented behaviors rather than outcome-oriented ones. For example, it's better to say, "I'm really proud that you spent ten extra minutes practicing that difficult piece on the cello. I saw how tired you were, but you still went the extra mile. That is pretty awesome of you."