You have given some people many chances because you love, respect, and care for them. You allow them a lot of leeway because you value being a loyal person even to disloyal people. That's your choice to make, and I have no authority or desire to tell you how many chances you should give someone. Instead, I would like you to contemplate loving, respecting, and caring about yourself enough, being loyal to yourself enough, to give yourself another chance, which includes forgiving yourself. This does not mean you will live without any sense of remorse or accountability, but it does mean you will not continue to view yourself and treat yourself based on the worst things you have done.
On occasion you have given people another chance because you are hopeful and optimistic that they can change. What about you? Do you believe that you can change—that you can shift your thinking, patterns, habits, or attitude? You have enough faith to believe others can. Believe that you are capable of it. What would shift right now, in this moment, if you let yourself change your perspective? Look at the story of your life again—not the moments you regret in harsh isolation, but the moments that led to the bad decisions, the unhealthy life patterns, the destructive tendencies. Look at yourself with eyes that see your past, present, and possible future. Breathe into the possibility of a new season. You do not have to forget your past, but you can choose to learn from it and transform your future. If this aligns with you, inhale through your nose. Exhale through your mouth. Release yourself, again and again.
Self-compassion requires not only self-forgiveness but also liberation from perfectionism. I open the door for you to walk into belief in your own evolution and growth. This is vital, because when you believe in false dichotomies—you are either a total success or a complete failure—then whenever you make a mistake, fall short, or live in a way that you were trying to break free from, you will start to think of yourself as a failure. You will create impossible standards for yourself and as a result think of yourself solely in the negative when really you're in a process of growth and change, as we all are. You are healing, transforming, climbing, and shifting. Yes!?! When you recognize you are in a developmental process that sometimes looks circular and always includes setbacks, you can be more understanding of and compassionate toward yourself, so that one mistake or setback—in fact, even several setbacks—does not have to define you or limit the ways in which you see your possibility.
As you think about your heart-healing journey, take note of the ways in which you are already changing. Perfection is not required. Simply take note of your growth. Appreciate and acknowledge yourself and your growth. Are you able to recognize the ways in which you have made positive shifts? Be mindful of the things that you can notice now that you would not have seen before. Soulfully take note of some ways you have advocated for yourself that you would have endured in silence in the past. Hold gratitude for yourself for the times that you have exited from or set boundaries in negative circumstances that you previously would have tolerated. I invite you to truly honor yourself for your beautiful growth—not perfection but growth.
Shifting from your self-critical voice to your self-compassionate voice means that you can see and hold yourself gently. I hope that as your heart healing journey starts, you can recognize the progress you have already made in your relationships with yourself and others.
Intentionally give yourself permission to look for your progress. You will begin to see what you're looking for, and this new insight will increase your self-compassion. Enhance this progress by looking back on your journal entries or social media posts. See what has captured your mind and how you have responded to the events and people around you, as well as the dynamics occurring within you. If you are in therapy, let your therapist know that you want to spend some time reflecting on your growth from when you started working with that person to where you are now. It is a beautiful experience when those who are in your life acknowledge the positive changes that they themselves have observed as well. And while a therapist, family member, friends, or coworkers can notice the change, you must also be able to see it within yourself. You will enhance your self-compassion when you set the intention of looking for your growth. When you become intentional about looking for your progress, you will more readily learn to recognize it instead of always focusing on your mistakes or shortcomings.
© Excerpted from Matters of The Heart: Healing Your Relationship with Yourself and Those You Love © 2025 by Thema Bryant. Published by Tarcher, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. Reproduced by arrangement with the Publisher. All rights reserved.
