Dr. Jack Kornfield, one of America's most renowned Buddhist monks and
meditation teachers, first introduced me to the concept of self-compassion
sixteen years ago when I attended his class at Spirit Rock, the meditation
center he cofounded in Woodacre, California. Jack's own introduction to
self-compassion was his first meeting with the Dalai Lama many years
earlier in Dharamsala, India. How, Jack and a group of fellow teachers had
asked His Holiness, could they help people eradicate self-hatred or low self
esteem?
"He and his translators seemed confused," Jack told me with a laugh. "It
was such a foreign concept in Tibetan culture to not be compassionate and
loving toward yourself."
And that, in its gentle way,
was the lesson. Compassion forms a natural
bridge between self-knowledge and self-acceptance, and loving kindness
toward oneself is the first path leading over that bridge. In the wake of this
gentle lesson, Kornfield made the cultivation of inner-directed compassion
and love the center of his life's work.
Self-compassion is what shields us from—or at least softens the blow of
—the judgment and ridicule of people who don't understand us. It allows us
to grow through our pain instead of being dragged down by it. It also helps us
to see our light, however dim it may seem, instead of being consumed by
darkness and self-doubt. Such a powerful force is not easily summed up, and
is itself the subject of entire books, but we can start by recognizing the
important role it plays in relieving loneliness and centering our sense of self.
To help people cultivate self-compassion, Jack employed a practice
called
metta, or loving kindness, meditation that is based on a central
Buddhist practice. It's a form of meditation that melds the head (self
knowledge) and the heart (loving kindness).
Although one of the goals is to direct this union toward oneself, Jack
explained, "I've found it's difficult for people to start with loving themselves
because of our culture of self-criticism and self-hatred. So I will start people
with someone they love or care about."
The meditation invites the emotion in through recited phrases such as:
"May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be safe from inner and
outer dangers. May you be well in body and mind. May you be at ease and
happy."
As these phrases are recited, the person is invited to visualize the loved
one. "The principle is to start wherever it's easy to open your heart," Jack
told me. "You are cultivating the qualities of love that are in all of us."
Allowing the mind to immerse itself in gratitude and compassion can be a
restorative and calming experience. "Sometimes other emotions come up,"
Jack said, "but you just let that be."
After repeating the meditation for a few minutes with one or two beloved
friends in mind, the next step is to imagine them gazing back and wishing you
the same love and kindness in return. "Think about how those two friends
would want you to be well," Jack said. "Imagine them saying, 'May you be
safe and protected. May you be peaceful and well. Now put a hand on your
heart and take that in. As they wished it for you, wish it for yourself. Spend
some time reciting the same intentions and inviting the same feelings for
yourself. Once you've experienced that love within yourself, you can extend
it to other people, including those you have a hard time with."
The practice, Jack said, encourages us to appreciate our good qualities
and good intentions and forgive ourselves for those moments when we
haven't lived up to our expectations or desires. While the research on
kindness-based meditation practices like
metta is in its early stages,
preliminary studies have suggested that these practices can increase
compassion, self-compassion, and positive emotions.
Published by Harper, Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World is instant the New York Times best-seller from the 19th Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Vivek Murthy.
