"Hello, dumplings! I love you. There are six of you. Which one of you should I put into my mouth first?" All arguably reasonable statements...until you realize you are not, in fact, home alone, but at work, exactly one thin cubicle divider away from someone who has just removed her headphones and stood up to see who you are talking to.
Wet Umbrellas Are Driving You Nuts
We all have unspoken rules in our homes: The bowls go in the dishwasher’s top rack, the Tupperware lids get stacked next to the containers, and wet umbrellas must—must!—be left in the hallway until they’ve dried. When your sister visits and disrupts your system, you’re allowed to be a little annoyed; you’re even allowed to ask her to do it your way in your house. But you’re also required to tell her in detail exactly how much you loved the brownies she destroyed your kitchen to bake.
Your Search Engine Says So
Before you finish typing "How to" into Google, its predictive-text feature suggests "do the Heimlich on yourself." If you’re lonely, there are a million ways to connect with others using the Internet—may we suggest these 11 ways to make the hours you waste online actually mean something? —but sitting up late into the night researching your secret fears is only productive if your fears involve not knowing the proper method for tickling a slow loris should you have the privilege to meet one in real life.
You’re Looking for the Brightness Button
Does the world sound a little loud? Is the sun hurting your eyes? We know. And yet there’s something else that tends to be almost unbearably noisy and bright when it arrives: Joy.
You Dress Up for the Barista—and Not the Cute One
You went for a latte without brushing your hair one time, and ever since, you're sure that guy who always misspells your name is judging you. So now you won’t be seen in the coffee shop without a grade-A blowout and full makeup, just to prove to him that you are not pathetic. Except that while you’ve devoted time and energy to worrying about his opinion of you, he’s more concerned with getting the grinder to stop jamming. So dress up or don’t dress up (you look great either way), but remember you don’t need that guy to like you—you just need him to get you your caffeine ASAP.
Coach Taylor Is the Only Man for You
Yes, you know the characters on Friday Night Lights aren’t real, but...wait, they’re not real? It’s a little heartbreaking that the perfect husband, father and molder of men only exists on a canceled TV show, but now that you’ve spent so much time in Dillon, Texas, you’re equipped with clear eyes and a full heart. That means you can recognize someone who is kind and caring, even when he doesn’t have the best head of hair in all of Texas. And when you absolutely must have that hair? Well, there’s always your Netflix queue.
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