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How to Read Lips (And Eyes, and Foreheads...)

If you've never heard of micro-expressions, it's time you did. They've been famously studied by Paul Ekman, PhD (the real-life model for Dr. Cal Lightman of the hit show Lie to Me), who found that all humans display the range of emotions with identical facial expressions. Even when we're trying to be inscrutable, our true feelings involuntarily flash across our faces for about a fifth of a second: a micro-expression.

Most of us aren't aware of other people's micro-expressions, though we see them subconsciously. To evaluate your ability to read these expressions, take the cool Web-based test at Cio.com/article/facial-expressions-test. Not only is it fascinating, it underscores the fact that we can train ourselves to see and read micro-expressions. This, I concluded after my shameful doctor's appointment, is a skill that can help us all avoid becoming emotional sluts.

Try this exercise: Imagine that your grandmother is visiting (from Detroit, Bosnia, the afterlife, or wherever). She takes a prescription sleep medication that, according to the manufacturer, "can cause amnesiac sleep housekeeping in rare cases." During the wee hours, you awaken to find Nana, stark naked, at the foot of your bed, folding your laundry.

Picture this vividly, allowing your face to do whatever it wants. Good—now, freeze. Memorize your expression. Study it in a mirror: the widened eyes, the wrinkled nose, the head pulled back like that of a startled heron. This is the reaction of a person who's receiving Too Much Information. Remember it!

If you do this, you'll notice far more accurately when someone flashes a warning that you're overexposed. Even if the micro-expression is so fleeting you don't see it, your gut will shout, "Danger! Turn back!" Promise yourself that ifthis happens, you'll immediately say, "But enough about me! What about the weather we're having?" This preparation can save you from behaving like an emotional strumpet—even in situations where you're disoriented by the threat of, say, a weigh-in.

Emotional intimacy is one of the greatest joys of human existence. Still, it's best to let it develop gradually, with each party revealing more as confidence and mutual trust increase. If I sound like your grandma (before she went on that crazy sleep medication), so be it. Old-fashioned caution can preserve your reputation, dignity, and self-respect, so slap on that emotional chastity muzzle by practicing your micro-expression skills and conversational deflections until they're practically reflexive. Then, when an emotional slut pressures you to go too far, too soon, you can save yourself for someone who deserves you more.

Martha Beck is the author of six books, including Steering by Starlight (Rodale).

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