I Love You Just the Way You Were
Begin Your Systematic Defense
Step 1: Pay respectful attention.
When someone launches a change-back attack against you, refrain from resisting or submitting; just pay attention. Remember that whether you realize it or not, your actions may be forcing this friend to either make personal alterations or give up on "fitting" with you. Noticing their fear may calm you, and this may go a long way toward calming them.
If someone comes at you with a direct, obstreperous argument, try these unexpected, attentive responses: "Tell me." "I'm listening." "I hear you." "Say a little bit more on that." Attentiveness is a mobile, fluid stance that allows you to observe and respond without sustaining much damage. As Mark Twain said about doing right, it will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Step 2: Take time to find your truth.
So you've paid attention. You know that the bag of bacon cheeseburgers on the table is just evidence that your loving husband is afraid he'll lose you. You've listened calmly as your angry teenager or judgmental parent lambasted you for your new achievements. Find a private moment for yourself. Now breathe and relax. Recall the chain of events that motivated your metamorphosis in the first place: the fat, the loneliness, the illumination. Honestly consider the feedback you've just received. Maybe it feels absolutely right; if so, reverse course. Maybe it's partly right. Fine, alter your direction. Or maybe the complaint is just plain wrong. In that case, you must keep going, trusting that the best gift you can offer others is the resolute embrace of your own truth.
Step 3: State your position for the record.
If your change-back attacker is sober and in a reasonably receptive frame of mind, you may want to respond to her argument. Even when you're dealing with a nasty, non-communicative person, stating your position may be a powerful step in your own development. It may not make the slightest impression on your unrelenting foes, but hearing the truth spoken in your own voice can clear your head and buoy your heart, at which point you'll have won the battle.
Vanquish Your Change-Back Attackers
Step 4: Unconditional Love
There's a secret weapon in the change wars, one that can fill the gaps and soften the edges of our constantly morphing identities—and I don't mean leaving your whole social system or forcing others to conform to you at every moment in time. The answer is unconditional love, and I encourage you to use it with ruthless abandon.
You'll know you've vanquished your change-back attackers when you can love them completely without agreeing with them at all. You can't force this feeling—it will happen naturally when you're ready—but when it strikes, express it, without acquiescing to others' verbal jabs. Doing this cheerfully and unabashedly will confound your average saboteurs by giving them nothing to oppose.
At best, this approach will cause your adversaries to stop, ponder, and perhaps feel less scared of making their own improvements. At worst, it will render you flexible, able to fit in with many people and social systems without getting stuck in any one position. The more you claim your own destiny, the easier it will be to love unconditionally. The more you love, the more comfortably you'll fit in with all sorts of people. Ultimately, situations that once brought on horrendous change-back attacks, that once appeared to you as utterly unworkable puzzles, may end up barely fazing you at all.
More Martha Beck Advice