Fear Of Free Time
Why We Don't Empty Our Time
Generally speaking, a packed schedule is seen as the sign of a happenin' life; empty time is for losers. We don't say things like "That day won't work for me, I've got a lot of empty time scheduled" or "Listen, Bob, I need to cancel. Some empty time just came up." Part of the reason is our culture: According to the Western perspective, filling every moment with "value added" activities is a sign of virtue and significance.
There's an even deeper reason we may avoid empty time: For us, it isn't really empty. It's full of demons—grief, rage, anxiety, guilt, regret. In fact, when someone like Michelle tells me she feels empty inside, I suspect her insides are actually overstuffed with unprocessed psychological pain. Those of us who feel most victimized by busy schedules are probably keeping our time full to distract ourselves from the demons. We have more immediate, pressing concerns, such as folding our towels in perfect thirds or reading every word in every day's newspaper. That's what any responsible person would do, right?
Not in my book. Personal experience tells me that never emptying our time is like never emptying our garbage cans, our bladders, or our digestive tracts. Do those images disgust you? Good. I want them to. The archetype of the virtuously overbusy person is so ingrained in our societal mind-set that it takes strong language to knock it loose.
Signs Of Empty-Time Deficiency Syndrome
Vile though the image is, I truly believe that constipation is the most accurate metaphor for perpetual overscheduling. When part of me starts lamenting about how stressed I am by my overflowing agenda, another part of me knows that I'm full of... So anyway, the more we fill our time with tasks that aren't real requirements of our best lives, the more blocked and uncomfortable we feel. If you have three or more of the following symptoms, you probably need to, um, flush:
- Irritability, feeling "frayed"
- Boredom (oddly enough)
- Feeling disconnected even when in the company of others
- Being unable to unwind at night or on vacation
- A sense of not being, having, or doing enough
One caveat: Some emotions can't be off-loaded without being told to at least one compassionate witness. Counseling of any sort is really just hiring someone to hold a stretch of empty time for a client, during which she can experience the pain she's carrying and feel understood. If you can't handle empty time, find someone—a friend, relative, professional—who can hear about your pain. Then feel it, express it, and watch it disappear. It will. No matter how frightening your demons may seem, their goal is never to hurt you. They only, always, want to leave.
How To Get Empty Time
Key words: prioritizing, protecting, and promise keeping.
Try this exercise: First contemplate the to-do list you're carrying in your head or your planner this very day. Now imagine that you're reading the list many years from now, moments before your own (peaceful) death. Which of the items on the list will you be glad you did? Which will mean nothing?
If you're not sure, recall a few incidents in your life when you felt loved and loving: the glance that told you a friendship was becoming something deeper or a time of great grief or joy when you sensed something infinitely powerful and benevolent at work in the universe. Compare those memories with your to-do list. If nothing on today's schedule offers the soulful nourishment you recall, write in some empty time. Add just a few minutes of nothing to your daily schedule, and empty time will begin to work its magic. It will reconnect you with your core self, the source of pure joy you felt in your sweetest memories.
You'll have to take my word for this until you begin to feel it, but soon the restorative power of empty time will become self-evident. You'll make it a high priority for the same reason you make breathing a high priority: It keeps you alive. The little dribs and drabs of sustenance you get during your "frittering" activities are nothing compared to the crisp, clean oxygen of really empty time. I give my daily minutes of empty time an even higher priority than sleep, because I know I need them more. I can feel this. You will, too.