Ah, inner rage. It feels cathartic for a little while, especially when you're making complex but incredibly insightful points with lots of subpoints and bullets and footnotes. But after a while, the process blackens the mind. What would happen if you dealt with your anger beyond the silent borders of your brain? This doesn't necessarily require a confrontation with the object of your fury. It means figuring out why you're so angry with her (or him) and why you feel you can't bring it up.
Note: This directive applies even if the person you're yelling at is yourself.
Replace shingles with whatever horrible malady you'd like: a lump that requires a biopsy, a tapeworm, a hysterectomy. But understand that this question is a bit of a trick. First, you're looking to see if there's somebody in your life you'd share intimate and upsetting news with. Second, you're examining if that person would make you feel better or worse about the situation. Calling up a critical mother or an old close friend who's become noticeably more distant, for example, may mean that you are willing to share your life—just with the wrong confidante.
Which should probably be followed by, Why does nobody know?
There was a time this happened so naturally—say, sixth-grade lunch period on pizza Fridays. Laughter like this did not result from a witty comment, sarcasm or gentle ribbing. It came from the right friend with the wrong braces and the wrong hair but also a deep understanding of joy and loyalty, which enabled her to eat a piece of pepperoni in such a way that you were compelled to fall into hysterics and roll around on the cafeteria floor. A grown-up version of this friend, who will laugh until Perrier comes out of her nose, is looking for you right now.
I hate to say it, but food, wine, and dark chocolate aren't allowed. Instead, ask yourself if you have one thing you do that doesn't require consumption of any kind, something along the lines of singing the entire Top 40 in the car as you drive on a highway or playing pinball in a dumpy bar or feeding the fat but still hungry-looking squirrels in your yard each morning.
In other words, why don't we do what we like to do? We have our excuses: We don't have enough time, we don't have enough money, we have to do something else that's not fun first. The thing is, excuses never end. Time, on the other hand...
Fill in the blanks with "graduate school," "the hospital gala committee," "the car pool," "the renovation of the house." Or "Mom," "Dad," "my husband," "my boss." Author of
Bright Side Up: 100 Ways to Be Happier Right Now Amy Spencer claims that something you do to gain the acceptance of others is really just a smoke screen for something you don't want to do at all.
Headaches, backaches, stomachaches, yeast infections, pimples—these are all code for "I'm tired! Stop beating me up! Get some sleep, put down that third appletini and leave your work at work! If you keep going on like this, I will really break and you will not be able to move!"
The standard trust questions will also work. For example: If you left for a week to go to a conference, would you trust your partner not to cheat on you? If you confessed your darkest secret, would you trust your partner to understand and keep that information private? But, unlike these situations, needing long-term care is when you're most vulnerable, physically and emotionally. If you have the slightest inkling that the person you're spending your life with might—ever, for any reason—stick you in a dark corner with a TV, it's time to reevaluate.
All of us have more power than we think—whether it's over an employee, a spouse, a friend or our kids. How do you use it?
Taking a bus costs 10 cents in Nicaragua. Working out at a gym? Sixteen dollars a month. But ask yourself, Do I really want to live in Central America, thousands of miles from my family and friends? The time to figure out if you need to save more—or take Spanish lessons—is now.
Whether you're single (think of past liaisons that may affect your future) or coupled up right now, it's time to take a look. Are you being the best person you can be, most crucially, when things seem at their worst?
Just about anything in the world that you need can be bought on Craigslist, at a thrift shop or just plain on sale. They may not be the world's most beautiful toasters or dining room chairs, but they function—and leave you with a whole lot less credit card debt. Which is an interesting thought to consider before you purchase a $1,500 flat-screen TV.
Being critical is so seductive because, at its deepest level, it implies that you're right. Unfortunately, it also implies that others are wrong.
Researchers at the University of Massachusetts taped conversations between two strangers, both of whom said that they believed they were
telling the truth. Reviewing the tape, however, the researchers discovered that 60 percent of the subjects had lied at least once during their chat. We lie to impress others or because we wish something were true. We lie to spare someone's feelings or to keep ourselves from feeling embarrassed. In other words, we exchange feeling bad about dealing with something real for feeling bad about saying something false.
Usually we think about this question in terms of our jobs or our professional success or failure. But take a deeper look, says Spencer. "What if you asked yourself, Am I supposed to have a greater love? Am I supposed to be following a greater passion? Am I supposed to be helping people?"
Leigh Newman is the deputy editor of Oprah.com and the author of Still Points North: One Alaskan Childhood, One Grown-Up World, One Long Journey Home.
Next: How to find the kind of joy that lasts
