Dr. Laura Berman Webcast Transcript
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Oprah: Well, it's Friday. Yes, it is. And the final night of our Best Life Week webcast. So far this week we have tackled your questions about weight and health and spirituality and money. But now I want you to kind of cozy up with your partner or gather around with your girlfriends, because tonight we're talking about sex, baby. Yes. After last week's Sex 101 show, thousands of you had so many questions for world renowned sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman, and she'll be answering many of those questions tonight. And since we're on the Web, we can get a little more explicit, although I've seen a preview of some of your questions. Lord, listen, I never knew black people could blush as much as I have reading some of those questions. Welcome, Dr. Berman.
Dr. Berman: Thank you.
Oprah: Oh, my goodness gracious. What is—
Dr. Berman: These are questions people have.
Oprah: What is going on? So it's going to be explicit. It's the kind of thing where if I was on television, I would be taken off the air with the kind of questions you all have lined up for us tonight. But let's start. Let's explain why this has sort of hit a nerve and why good sex is such an important part of the overall whole of living your best life.
Dr. Berman: And I feel so grateful to be part of this, because sex is such a fundamental part of living your best life. Obviously, your diet and your economics and your health and, you know, your spirit and well-being.
Oprah: Your well being and spirit.
Dr. Berman: They're all fundamental. But you can't leave your sex life. Sex is such a basic part of your intimacy, your emotional intimacy, your connection to your partner. It's the fiber that keeps the two of you together, different from roommates, and also for each of us individually it's such a fundamental part of who we are, and when we get cut off from that, everything else sort of gets unraveled as well.
Oprah: Okay. So we have people who are standing by for Skyping, we're taking your calls and we have your e-mails also live. So if you have a specific question for Dr. Berman about living your best sex life in 2009, you can e-mail us your question on the right-hand side of your computer screen or call us at this number that's right there on your screen, 866-677-2496. You can do both, actually. To begin, let's quickly recap the five steps to better sex that Dr. Berman covered last week. Here we go.
Dr. Berman: Here we go. So the first one was to tell the truth.
Oprah: Tell the truth.
Dr. Berman: And when we were talking about the show, we were talking about the show, we were talking about it in terms of not faking orgasm. We heard Luanne's story who had been faking orgasm for over 25 years, and that's not an uncommon story. But it's also telling the truth about what you want in the bedroom. Not only what's not working but what you'd like to work better, what you want to change and what you want more of and being honest with yourself when things aren't working in your relationship and not working in your sex life, really not sweeping those issues under the rug.
Oprah: And a lot of women in particular have trouble doing that.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: Because if you have been lying for 27 years and haven't had an orgasm, you've been faking the orgasm, how do you suddenly now—
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: —come forward and say whatever?
Dr. Berman: "Guess what." Yeah.
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: And it's scary.
Oprah: I think we need the language for it. And tonight on TV—we're not on TV, so we can actually get the language for what to say.
Dr. Berman: Absolutely. We're going to.
Oprah: Okay, number 2.
Dr. Berman: Number 2 is to ask for what you want. So that means not only figuring it out for yourself, that's the first step, but being able to put into words or actions what it is that works for you. So the disconnect is that women think that, you know, if they're in a heterosexual relationship, they think the guy's going to be their knight in shining armor and figure it out for them. "If I'm just with the right guy, then I'll be able to have an orgasm, then I'll sexually respond." No. You have to own your own sexuality and your sexual response and you have to be really explicit. Men like directions.
Oprah: Yeah, they do.
Dr. Berman: They do. They like a manual. And so you have to be really explicit about what you want.
Oprah: Dr. Berman's foreplay map is available at Oprah.com to help you start that conversation with your partner. That foreplay map, we were talking about that the other day, a lot of that—
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: —that really changed things for a lot of people.
Dr. Berman: It really did. And it's such a great way to get the conversation started. And one woman e-mailed me and asked, "Okay, what happens if it changes?"
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: "Tonight I give him this map, but it does change from time to time." That's the great thing.
Oprah: "Don't start on my ear. Start on my nose."
Dr. Berman: "Tonight I want my nose first." But you have a blueprint to start with. and you can make modifications or revisit the map or you can say, "Remember last time I liked my nose first? Tonight I'd really like this first." So it's an ongoing conversation.
Oprah: We were doing a show today live and Denis Leary was there and Gayle and Ali and Mark, and we're talking about how Denis Leary had, you know, he was going to do this book—he actually did this book called Why We Suck, and he was going to do this whole chapter on why I sucked and then—(laughter)—and then he started watching the show and, you know, went to Oprah.com and he—the first word he put in was penis. And we said all this on the air because you can say penis on TV.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: And then Ali asked him, "Why didn't you put in the word 'vagina'?"And he said, "I actually did." And we were then talking during the commercial break with the audience, and we were talking about how some words we're more comfortable with than others.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: The "vagina" word, just uncomfortable. It's easier to say "penis" than it is to say "vagina."
Dr. Berman: Right. Right.
Oprah: And it's easier to say "uterus" than to say "vagina." And we were saying that "uterus," because it's all, you know, connected to the whole woman's—
Dr. Berman: Baby, yeah.
Oprah: Babies and all of that. Is a lot easier to say than "vagina."
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: Is that because—
Dr. Berman: Or "vulva."
Oprah: Oh, "vulva." You're going there.
Dr. Berman: I'm going there. Every time with you.
Oprah: Every time. Woo. Okay.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. It is, you know, and it's—it's not—I remember when I first started talking about this on television it was back, gosh, in '97, '98, and I think it was—I was doing the nightly news and they said to me, "We don't want you to say the word 'clitoris.'"
Oprah: Yes.
Dr. Berman: And I said, "Could I say 'penis'?" And they said, "Yes, you can say 'penis.'" But I couldn't say "clitoris." Now, I don't know, maybe I could say "clitoris" on the nightly news. But 10 past years ago, I couldn't.
Oprah: I don't know if you could. I don't know if you could.
Dr. Berman: I'm saying it here.
Oprah: I thought that was big, that was really big. Because actually one of the executives at ABC had called me about the—the vibrators that we were doing on TV, and I said, "Well, you—you're talking about the vibrators. You missed the clitoris demonstration that we did." He said, "What has happened to you, Oprah?"
Dr. Berman: With the clitoral pointer.
Oprah: The clitoral pointer.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: Okay. So we're going to be explicit this evening. Number 3, let's continue down the list. Let go of all those negative—
Dr. Berman: Right. And we put this on your website.
Oprah: —sexual messages you've been holding.
Dr. Berman: We put up some great affirmations. Because one of the things—
Oprah: Which is easier said than done.
Dr. Berman: Absolutely. Because we grow up—we grow up with these messages that are overtly given to us verbally by our parents, but even more subtly through example and through having our hand slapped away when we were exploring or being taught that sex was dirty or that nice girls don't or that they won't by the cow if they can get the milk for free.
Oprah: That's why some women are 50 years old and older—
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: —and still calling it "down there."
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: Yes.
Dr. Berman: And have never looked at themselves, and it's because they're still—we unless you—the first step is to stop and recognize what those messages are, where they came from, and decide whether you're ready to let them go or not. Because usually once you—you say, "Oh, yeah, that's my mom speaking. You know, here I am a 50-year-old woman. Is that what I believe?"
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: "No, that's not what I believe."
Oprah: Yeah, women live and die and have never seen their vulva.
Dr. Berman: Good girl. Vulva.
Oprah: Vulva. Number 4, go to the doctor. Problems in the bedroom could be a medical issue.
Dr. Berman: Yes.
Oprah: Particularly, you know, we just did the bioidentical show yesterday.
Dr. Berman: I know.
Oprah: Which we're going to re-air this Thursday because so many people didn't see it. It was preempted because of the plane rescue. But so many women when they get older have a dryness in the vagina and—
Dr. Berman: Yes.
Oprah: —their—and sex is painful.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: And so they're just—
Dr. Berman: Sex is painful. Their libido goes down. So they have the dryness, they have lack of genital sensation. They have low libido. All of that can be related to hormones.
Oprah: Yes.
Dr. Berman: Especially if you're in your mid-40s and beyond. Also anything—things in your medicine cabinet that wouldn't even occur to you. Antihistamines, antidepressants, hormonal contraceptives can all negatively affect your sexual response and your desires.
Oprah: Wow.
Dr. Berman: So we have all of this information online on Oprah.com.
Oprah: Right.
Dr. Berman: And—and you definitely want to not rule out—there's always medical factors, emotional factors and relationship factors happening simultaneously when there is a sexual issue.
Oprah: All right.
Dr. Berman: So you don't want to rule out the medical.
Oprah: But what was interesting is the show this we did, one of the first shows that we did with the woman who didn't know she had a clitoris, once she discovered that she—when I saw her, actually—
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: —I knew immediately watching her that it was a hormonal issue.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. Yeah.
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: And that wasn't why she couldn't find her clitoris. That was a separate issue.
Oprah: That was a separate issue.
Dr. Berman: But she had low libido because she had low testosterone. And when you have low testosterone, that's a hormone of desire so you typically will have low desire, low energy, low general sense of well-being and low genital sensation.
Oprah: Wow. So, yeah, and I want to say to all the women out there, particularly if you're over 35 and your hormones are, you know, fluctuating, that that—you have to take charge of that for yourself.
Dr. Berman: Absolutely. And you know what I would add one—I would take you a step further and say if you today are maybe in your 20s or late 20s and happy with what—how your body's working and feeling and how your sexual response is, I recommend you get your hormone levels tested today because what we're learning is that each woman's hormones are as unique as her fingerprint.
Oprah: Oh, that's powerful.
Dr. Berman: So if you—if you know what your template is, what your range is for when you're functioning and feeling good, then when things start to change, you know sort of where you're supposed to be.
Oprah: That is so profound because I was saying that yesterday with Robin McGraw that my generation and her generation, because we're about the same age, a year apart, are going to be the pioneers because the next generation—the generation before us, it's just going to be normal that you're going to feel great—
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: —and that you're going to be sexually active and powerful and engaged and—
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: —feeling vibrant in your life.
Dr. Berman: Just like—
Oprah: Throughout your life.
Dr. Berman: Just like your generation spearheaded the women's movement.
Oprah: Correct.
Dr. Berman: It's been all the way through.
Oprah: Actually it was a generation ahead of me. Gloria Steinem.
Dr. Berman: Right. And now you're guiding—
Oprah: And I get the benefits of that.
Dr. Berman: Right. And now we have the menopausal—this whole baby boomer generation moving through menopause, and they're not going to take it sitting down. They're going to figure out how to live their best lives through it.
Oprah: Number 5, make sex a priority in 2009 with a weekly sex night. Now, this could change America. This could really change America.
Dr. Berman: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: Put a lot of smiles on people's faces.
Oprah: A weekly sex night.
Dr. Berman: At the minimum. During the worst of times, in the times you're most stressed, don't let it go more than two weeks. You want to are sex at least once a week. And you want to make a date in pen in your calendar. Be extra nice to each other.
Oprah: That feels too predictable.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: That feels too—
Dr. Berman: Right. Because what we're used to is the fantasy—in the beginning of the relationship it's easy for sex to happen spontaneously. You can't get enough of each other.
Oprah: Right.
Dr. Berman: But if you wait for that to happen in a long-term relationship when you know each other's dirty laundry, you have a mortgage, you have kids, you have distractions, you have stress, if you wait for it to happen spontaneously, it never happens unless you're on vacation and you take all of those stressors out of the way.
Oprah: Okay. So let's say your night is Friday night at 10 o'clock.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: And all kinds of stuff has gone on during the week. You're exhausted and things didn't go the way you wanted to and all kinds of problems and you're just—really you're not in the mood.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: Oh my God, you know?
Dr. Berman: Right. Okay. So two things. One, you want to choose a time. I don't recommend Friday nights for that reason. I recommend—
Oprah: I said Saturday.
Dr. Berman: Oh, you did? I thought you said Friday.
Oprah: I thought I said—okay, Saturday.
Dr. Berman: Saturday night's good because then you have time—
Oprah: You don't recommend Friday, though.
Dr. Berman: No, because you're exhausted from the week. If you're worried about exhaustion, give yourself a time like Saturday or Sunday, even in the morning, earlier in the day, it doesn't have to be 10 o'clock at night. So plan the time where it might fit best into your schedule and you've had some winding down time, because women especially—
Oprah: So Friday night not good.
Dr. Berman: Probably not if you have—if you tend to have really busy weeks.
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: And then the other thing is—
Oprah: Sunday seems like a good day.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. Sunday is good.
Oprah: If you're only doing once a week.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: And then you also—
Oprah: Dean—Dean, our stage manager, he's loving this.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, he's listening intently.
Oprah: Lots of tips. Yeah.
Dr. Berman: Wait till we bring out the sex toys, Dean.
Oprah: Sex toys coming up, folks, for sure. All varieties.
Dr. Berman: So it's making it on a day or an afternoon or a night that will work and really sticking to it. Because what you'll find—
Oprah: You're saying that, Laura, but that's not—that sounds odd to me. I don't think I could ever do that. It feels odd. I couldn't do it.
Dr. Berman: It is odd at first, but I promise you when you try it—and I always get pushback from people but when you try it at first, it's a total mind shift, and what you'll find is that you start looking forward to that day.
Oprah: And you start being nicer to each other?
Dr. Berman: You're nicer to each other coming up to that and you get jokey and silly about it and you wink at each other and send each other sexy e-mails and you're smiling at each other across the crazy breakfast table with the kids because you know that night—
Oprah: You know it's—
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Berman: And you kind of—it becomes a kind of playful fun date thing that you get to look forward to. And even those times—
Oprah: It's like the buzzing panties you left the last time.
Dr. Berman: Yes, yes, we'll be doing those too.
Oprah: I did give them to my stylist, not—
Dr. Berman: Oh, you didn't keep them?
Oprah: I didn't keep them, no. No. I—I—
Dr. Berman: We have to work on you, Oprah.
Oprah: I must say—listen, I have a lot of responsibility in the world. I cannot be out in an elevator with my panties buzzing. (Laughter. )
Dr. Berman: Who knows what you can come up with.
Oprah: I'm willing to do a lot of things.
Dr. Berman: It might release a whole creative channel that you don't even know about.
Oprah: I am not willing to be standing in public and my panties are buzzing. I'm just not willing to do it. So I did give that away to someone who would appreciate it more than I. So if you're wondering what we're talking about, we have a lot of sexual things coming up here.
Dr. Berman: Yes.
Oprah: Dr. Berman assigned homework for each of those five steps to help all of you and your partners get started. You can find those on Oprah.com. Oprah.com. It's a-changing, yeah.
Dr. Berman: Yes, it is.
Oprah: After this webcast. So you may remember, if you watched the show, Luanne and Gerald from our show last week. Tonight they are joining us from their living room near San Jose, California. Luanne admitted she had faked it for her entire 24-year marriage. But had her very first orgasm after meeting with Dr. Berman. So how are things today, Luanne?
Luanne: They are just great. Thank you. We are—Gerald and I are getting along great. We're having to—you know, we're communicating really effectively. My friends threw a premiere party for me and it was just fantastic. Everybody—all my friends went home and took their crosses from above their bed and their pictures of the Virgin Mary out of their bedroom. It was—it was fantastic. We had a—we had a great time.
Dr. Berman: A bedroom makeover.
Oprah: Oh, really. People have the crosses over their bed?Yeah, you're right. It would be hard to have great sex with the Virgin Mary looking at you.
Dr. Berman: You have to give your bedroom a sexual makeover. That's very important. That's one of the pieces.
Oprah: That's one of the pieces, yeah.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: Yeah. And so how has it been for you?
Luanne: It—it's been fantastic. Really my—my relationship with Gerald has never been better. Our—
Oprah: Gerald, you can smile if you want to.
Gerald: I'm smiling inside.
Oprah: Yeah. Go ahead.
Luanne: Really we—it's been a great—t's been a great—great couple months for us. It's really just been—we have been just so connected.
Oprah: Wow. That's great.
Luanne: And I really—I can't—I can't express—
Oprah: That's what you want.
Luanne: —how—how different—how—I didn't realize how different having a great sex life would make our overall parenting skills and our life together and our everyday—you know, every day is just great.
Oprah: So, Gerald, I want to know how things have also changed for you because for 24 years she was faking it, and I guess you—if she was faking it, you believed her, and so how is it different now?
Gerald: Well, it's—it's been a lot better in a lot of different areas. My—first off, it's been such a great improvement for Luanne and her—her overall well-being. She's—she's less stressed out.
Oprah: That's what you're talking about.
Gerald: She's able to cope with things a lot better and—and as far as making love, I mean, that's—it's just increased the intensity and the frequency, quite frankly, and she's less inhibited in the bedroom and I—I can tell that she's really enjoying herself a lot more. Or actually probably enjoying herself period for this. But I'm really glad that—that we went through with this, you know. When this whole thing started, I had my doubts. But it's really worked out well for Luanne and ultimately for me. But I'm glad to see that Luanne really seems to be dealing with everything a lot better, and it's hard to believe that an improved sex life could make that much difference in all areas, but it really has.
Oprah: Well, that's exactly what Dr. Berman is trying to teach us all, right?
Dr. Berman: That's right. That's right. And especially in your relationship because what happens when sex isn't working, you're not allies in the same way.
Oprah: You're not connected.
Dr. Berman: You're not connected in the same way, so everything suffers in ways that you may not even recognize at first.
Oprah: Yeah. Yeah. And so I just—you know, I always worry about this for people who come on the show—I mean, I really do. I mean you all were so open about this, and we're still at a point in our country where it's still sort of—not taboo, because this generation is far more open bit. But it's hard to go back home and then there you are in the Kroger Store or Whole Foods and everybody says, "Oh, you're the woman on—that was on Oprah and you never had an orgasm in 24 years." So did you have to deal with any of that?
Luanne: Yeah, a little bit. We went to a—quite a large party the next night and there was—I felt a little bit of judgment from a few of the—a few of like an older generation of—of people that were there. But for the most part, you know, it was—it was a pretty—pretty positive feedback, you know, I—I felt—you know, I'm really proud of what we did.
Oprah: Yeah.
Luanne: I really am because it was really—it was healthy for me.
Oprah: Yeah.
Luanne: So I had to go with—with that.
Oprah: I think it's healthy for you—if it was healthy for you, that's really great. That makes me even feel better. And also liberating for you. But liberating for so many others who maybe couldn't take a step as big as coming on The Oprah Show or making a Skype call to us. But having seen you, hearing the story about 24 years and faking orgasms and now knowing where you are can be freed themselves to be truthful.
Luanne: Yeah. It's—you know, I felt like, you know, if someone can't look me in the eye again, that's okay. You know, it's not something I did. It's just that if they're not okay with it, that's fine. You know, my—my family's been the worst. That's what's really been interesting is my—my family's reaction has been—
Oprah: Like what?
Gerald: Except for your sister.
Luanne: Except my one sister. Yeah, they were not—you know, they weren't—they weren't very—
Dr. Berman: That's not surprising.
Oprah: Laura says that's not surprising. Why, Laura?
Dr. Berman: That's part of the reason Luanne was where she was.
Oprah: Oh.
Dr. Berman: Because of that kind of restricted shame around sexuality. So here she is going on The Oprah Show talking about sex.
Oprah: Good point. Good point.
Dr. Berman: You know, they're going to—they're going to have a negative reaction.
Oprah: Good point. Good point.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: Well, thank you so much, Luanne and Gerald. Thank you. Good work.
Luanne: Thank you so much.
Oprah: I know a lot of you have questions for Dr. Berman so, okay, let's go to the phones. Marsha from Toronto has a question. You're up, Marsha.
Marsh: Hi, Oprah. Hi, Dr. Berman.
Dr. Berman: Hi.
Marsh: My question about sex is that I'm not having any and can not having sex affect my health in any way?
Oprah: (Laughter. )
Marsha: And do you recommend another outlet for the sexual energy that I'm not using?
Dr. Berman: Yes and yes. We know that a good sex life helps you with your cardiovascular health, your immune system, your depression, your skeletal muscular health, so it has tremendous health benefits not only for your physical health but for your mental health and for your body image, and there has been some research in recent years to show that if you don't use it, you can lose it. So because you want—in other words, you want to keep the blood flow, just like to every other part of your body through exercise, you need to exercise your genitals as well. You want to keep the blood flow going to that area so you keep the tissues strong and healthy, you keep the lubrication going, you keep everything healthy in your genital region. So just from a physiologic standpoint not to mention, as you say, your sexual energy, you want to have that continued release. So I would definitely say if you don't have a partner, you don't want to cut off from your sexuality. You can still be sexual with someone you love the most. Yourself.
Marsha: Well—well it goes against what I believe in. I am dating right now, so I do have somebody in my life. Just not believing in casual sex.
Dr. Berman: Well do you believe in self-stimulation? Is that okay?
Marsha: Well, for me I believe sex is a spiritual act as well as physical.
Dr. Berman: Right. So—
Oprah: So what does that mean?You can't touch yourself?
Marsha: Well, I guess it doesn't mean that, but I—I prefer, like, the real thing. I prefer to be with someone.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Marsha: And have that contact with another person.
Dr. Berman: Absolutely. I totally understand that. And I also understand—the sense I'm getting is that if you're going to have sex with another person, you want that to be in a very committed or loving relationship in a way that sort of fits within your moral values. I will say that I work with so many women who have very strong religious and moral values and just by rote without really thinking it through have just assumed that self-stimulation is wrong. And what I find is when we go down the path, and I encourage you to do this too, Marsha, when you go down the path and really think about it, there is—and maybe even talk to your pastor or your—or someone that you trust about this as well. What I have found talking to as many religious leaders as I have, that especially if you're alone and not in a relationship, that is, quote-unquote, that it's okay to be sexual in, that self-stimulation is a way of really staying healthy and staying in touch as long as it doesn't take the place of finding a healthy, loving relationship. So you—I encourage you to explore that more and not just assume that it's sinful or wrong.
Oprah: I don't know if I would be going to a religious leader to discuss that or not.
Dr. Berman: You'd be surprised.
Oprah: I don't think I'd be doing that.
Dr. Berman: I can say for five years I used to go every week, it was fascinating, to an orthodox—seriously orthodox rabbi's house because—and have a consult with him because he had a whole congregation—
Oprah: It depends—you know what you're suggesting then, it depends on who your religious leader is.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: I've met a lot of rabbis who are pretty liberal in their thinking.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: I don't know if you're living in Alabama and you're going to a Southern Baptist preacher.
Dr. Berman: Well, I don't know. It's something to think about. It's something to think about.
Oprah: Not to indict Southern Baptist preachers.
Dr. Berman: Maybe it's not your religious—maybe it's not your pastor but it's someone—a friend who shares your religious values.
Oprah: But is this a question for your pastor, whether or not you should stimulate yourself? Is that a question for your pastor?
Dr. Berman: Some people if they're really caught up in it being a sin—
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: —then it sometimes takes—
Oprah: But it's your body.
Dr. Berman: I agree. I mean, listen, I think it's—
Oprah: It's your body.
Dr. Berman: It's your body, it's healthy, it's good, it's loving yourself. There's nothing wrong. I've read and talked to all different schools of religion about this because I face it every day.
Oprah: Would you give yourself a foot massage?
Dr. Berman: Right. Yeah.
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: Or an elbow massage.
Oprah: Because reflexology is really good. Marsha, thank you.
Marsha: I have talked to my pastor about it.
Oprah: And what did he say?
Marsha: He said that it is a spiritual act.
Oprah: Okay.
Marsha: So he wouldn't recommend that I have casual sex right now.
Dr. Berman: Right. Well, we're not talking about casual sex.
Oprah: We're not talking about casual sex.
Dr. Berman: We're talking about self-stimulation.
Marsha: Okay.
Dr. Berman: About stimulating yourself and in some ways it can be a meditative practice that is a spiritual act. It's just not a spiritual act. You're waiting to share that spiritual act because that's your value with someone that you love and that you're committed to. And in the meantime, you're keeping the plumbing working and keeping connected to your body.
Marsha: Well, I have considered asking him that question, but I'm just too embarrassed.
Oprah: I think that's a hard question to go to your pastor and ask.
Dr. Berman: It is.
Oprah: I really would, just like we were talking on the show during a commercial break today, The Oprah Show, about how it's easier to say the word "uterus" than it is to say the word "vagina," it's easier to say, "I massage my foot" than "massage my vulva."
Dr. Berman: That's right.
Oprah: But it's all your body. So what's the difference?
Dr. Berman: It's all your body.
Oprah: So what's the difference when I massage my breasts, then I massage my elbow.
Dr. Berman: I have women who won't give themselves breast exams because they feel like that might be too close to self-stimulation.
Oprah: Oh, boy.
Dr. Berman: So it's an important question, and maybe if there's some religious leaders watching this, call in. Let us know what you think because—
Oprah: Thank you, Marsha.
Marsha: Oprah, I want to thank you for being an inspiration to me since I was 10 years old and I'm so thankful for this moment.
Oprah: And how old are you now?
Marsha: I'm 33.
Oprah: Wow. So you've grown up watching The Oprah Show.
Marsha: Yes, I have.
Oprah: Thank you.
Marsha: This is a dream come true for me.
Oprah: Thank you, Marsha, from Toronto. Thank you.
Marsha: Okay, thank you.
Oprah: All the best to you. So Alice from Chicago is on the phone. Alice, what's your question?
Alice: Hi, I was calling to ask if you're supposed to use your Kegel muscles to—if you should squeeze—squeeze them during intercourse to achieve a vaginal orgasm because I don't know how to get a vaginal orgasm and I've never understood why women are supposed to exercise your Kegel muscles.
Dr. Berman: And where's Dean? Dean, will you bring the Kegel exercisers here? Let's talk about Kegel exercisers.
Oprah: Hello, Dean.
Dean: Hello, ladies.
Oprah: Hello, Dean.
Dr. Berman: Hi.
Oprah: Our Kegel instruments.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. I brought some Kegel exercisers. These are two from my line but—but other lines make them as well. This is called the Isis and this is called the Juno. This is a beginning—
Oprah: Well, since you're here you might as well promote your line. What's your line?
Dr. Berman: It's called the Berman Center Intimate Accessories.
Oprah: Which you can get on Amazon.com.
Dr. Berman: Amazon.com. Drugstore.com.
Oprah: Along with Edgar Sawtelle. Our book for the book club. You can get yourself a Kegel exerciser and you can also get yourself—(Laughter. )
Dr. Berman: So this—so first of all, Alice, to answer your question, Kegels are very important not only for avoiding incontinence—
Oprah: Explain it for everybody who doesn't know what it is.
Dr. Berman: Okay. The Kegel muscles are the muscles that surround the—you know, basically they run in a figure eight around your vagina and anus, and they're the muscles that you use—
Oprah: That's another word. Hard word.
Dr. Berman: Anus?
Oprah: Hard.
Dr. Berman: And they—they are the muscles that you use to stop the flow of urine. That's how you identify them.
Oprah: That's right. When you—yeah.
Dr. Berman: When you stop.
Oprah: When you're in traffic and you've got to go really bad and you're squeezing it, you're squeezing the Kegel.
Dr. Berman: That's right.
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: So when you exercise them, you don't want to do that during urination because you might cause a urinary tract infection. But you do want to exercise your Kegels several hundred times a day, both to avoid incontinence, leaking when you cough or sneeze.
Oprah: Get out. You said that—
Dr. Berman: Yes. And—
Oprah: A hundred times a day.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, but you can you do them—I know you can do 10 in 10 seconds. Do them—right now.
Oprah: Okay, I will. Go ahead.
Dr. Berman: So while I'm talking, do your Kegels. You should do them slow and fast.
Oprah: (Indicating. )
Dr. Berman: And you don't have to make faces so no one has to know you're doing them.
Oprah: (Indicating. )
Dr. Berman: But you want to squeeze—you want to squeeze and release slow and also fast. And you also want to exercise those core muscles that you do during core exercises. Those transverse abdominal muscles because that's part of it.
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: Now during intercourse you squeeze those muscles because that creates more friction around your G-spot. Your G-spot is in like a third of the way into the vagina on the belly button side. So if a penis is in there and you squeeze your muscles, it makes your vagina tighter and provides more friction. So you can just either do them on your own. Some women prefer strengtheners, which is what these are. So this is one called Isis and it's an unweighted one. It's great for beginners if you've never done this before and it's—
Oprah: How would you get this instrument—
Dr. Berman: You insert this—you can get it on—it's in my line.
Oprah: At Amazon.com.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, at Amazon.com. Just look up pelvic—Kegel exercisers.
Oprah: Love it.
Dr. Berman: All right. They're called your Kegel muscles or your pubococcygeus muscles, PC muscles.
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: And you insert it into the vagina and squeeze around it. And you start off lying down, and you eventually can do it standing up. And then with this one, if you're—
Oprah: You need to be very clear because this is like making a—basting a turkey.
Dr. Berman: Okay.
Oprah: You have to tell people to take the plastic stuff out so—so you're not like walking around with this—
Dr. Berman: No. No. No.
Oprah: Walking around—
Dr. Berman: No, you're not walking around. Although you'd be surprised the stories I hear.
Oprah: What?You're standing at a bus stop trying to squeeze the thing.
Dr. Berman: Squeeze, release, squeeze, release. Hold it in. You start off lying down and supporting it.
Oprah: Yes.
Dr. Berman: And then once you feel like you can do that, you stand up at home, alone or maybe with a friend if you want to.
Oprah: Uh-huh.
Dr. Berman: Squeeze around it and try to—and you support it at first, but eventually try to just hold it in with your muscles alone. And that gives you really good control. Now this one is a more advanced one. This is a weighted one.
Oprah: PhD.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, PhD Kegels.
Oprah: Master class.
Dr. Berman: So I always say that if you have good control of your Kegels and your transverse abdominals, you should be able to squeeze your Kegels in, in and up.
Oprah: In and up?
Dr. Berman: Yeah, in and up. That's if you're using your transverse too.
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: In and back. And even side to side. Alternating sides.
Oprah: Can't do that.
Dr. Berman: I've got to give you one of these.
Oprah: No. Go ahead.
Dr. Berman: And so this one you would again start lying down and you start with the biggest side first.
Oprah: So this is just for Kegel.
Dr. Berman: For Kegels.
Oprah: Now that looks like it could also be some kind of—
Dr. Berman: It can be—yes, some women use this for sexual stimulation as well.
Oprah: Okay. Okay. So it's Kegel and/or—
Dr. Berman: And/or anything else you use.
Oprah: Did that help you, Alice?
Alice: Yes, it did. Thank you.
Oprah: I'm so happy we did.
Dr. Berman: Kegel exercises.
Oprah: Okay. So you could be Kegeling all day.
Dr. Berman: Traffic lights. At your desk. I have a—a woman who told me she—when she goes on road trips she does Kegels every mile sign. She does 10 Kegels.
Oprah: So in the end that makes for, what, better—
Dr. Berman: It makes for better sex. An orgasm is basically an intense contraction and release of muscle tension. So if your pelvic floor muscles are part of what contract and release during orgasm, the stronger they are, the more intense those contractions are going to be, so I have women do Kegels who either can't reach orgasm, their orgasms are less intense, they want to reach orgasm during intercourse, and of course to avoid incontinence—
Oprah: So let's say you Kegel'd for a week.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. I would say in two weeks you could see a huge difference.
Oprah: In your—
Dr. Berman: In your sexual response, especially if you use them during penetration, during intercourse, you'll have more friction and you'll also have more intense orgasms.
Oprah: So Kegel for a week and then you'll notice more intense orgasms.
Dr. Berman: Right. And this is a big one, too, for those women—it drives—it makes me crazy all of this—this trend of what they call vaginal rejuvenation surgeries where these women are getting surgeries to make their vagina smaller?
Oprah: Yes.
Dr. Berman: And first of all, you are doing nerve damage that you don't even necessarily understand. You're—often they're changing the shape of the vagina, which creates pain afterward. But if you just use your muscles, strengthen your muscles, you can squeeze around a pencil if you need to. So—so if you—so often these women are having these surgeries, it's because their Kegel muscles aren't strong enough.
Oprah: Yes. And is that because they delivered children or—
Dr. Berman: Yes, it's—children and childbirth. I mean, having a vaginal delivery is pushing a bowling ball through your pelvic floor. I mean, it's the equivalent of that.
Oprah: And your Kegels just go, I can't help you.
Dr. Berman: The Kegels are going we're gone until you kick us back into gear. But they do recover in most cases?
Oprah: So the number one question that you all asked after last week's show was, where do I get the vibrator that Dr. Berman talked about? Dr. Berman, that—I understand that it was called the Aphrodite.
Dr. Berman: That was the Aphrodite.
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: That, Dean, was the—look, Dean's reading our minds.
Oprah: Yes.
Dr. Berman: Look at this.
Oprah: And that a year's supply that Amazon.com had—
Dr. Berman: Well, yeah, my manufacturer had a year's supply at Amazon. com and at the other places because they're sold all over the country, sold out in four hours after your show. So—so the Aphrodite right now is on back order but—
Oprah: I'm just looking at that thing. I just wonder is it necessary to be that big?
Dr. Berman: Well, not necessarily. The reason that I like this one for beginners, and this is the one that I recommended for Luanne, is that it's very strong, and I'm going to show you one in a minute that is very strong and much smaller. The down side of this is you wouldn't necessarily use this easily during sex with a partner, you know, it's kind of big and cumbersome.
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: But it's something that kind of feels less threatening to women because it could be a back massager, which some women use it as as well because there's a heated side.
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: It's strong.
Oprah: It really is a back massager.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. And it covers a large surface. So the areas on a woman's vulva that are really sensitive are her clitoris, her periurethra area, the area around the urethra, the inner labia, and this covers a really large part. It's not like a pinpoint. It covers a really large area that's rich in nerve endings so that works—that's why we call it the sure thing. But it's really called the Aphrodite.
Oprah: But now it's sold out.
Dr. Berman: At least for about six weeks to two months. So it is sold out right now, but we're going to show you other ones.
Oprah: So that's sold out, but Dr. Berman brought a variety of vibrators from her own Berman Center Intimate Accessories line—
Dr. Berman: I did.
Oprah: —to show us tonight.
Dr. Berman: Thank you. So—you ready?
Oprah: I am really fine.
Dr. Berman: All right. So this is the one—
Oprah: This is my last night, I've been jet-lagged all week, so—and the inauguration starts, and here I am with—
Dr. Berman: Talking vibrators.
Oprah: Here we go.
Dr. Berman: So this is the Athena that is very strong also and very unthreatening and small, so women—I use this a lot with beginners. I give this to beginning self-stimulators or women who have never had orgasms, and it has all these different attachments you can put on top. It's waterproof.
Oprah: Yeah. I like this because it's like a little perfume spray.
Dr. Berman: Yeah—yeah, it's a cute little thing, and it's very strong and it covers a pretty wide—you know, for a small thing—
Oprah: Hold it up so everybody can see. See, it's like a perfume spray.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, it's a cute little thing.
Oprah: As opposed to carrying that around.
Dr. Berman: That. Well, you're not going to carry this in your purse, no. This—and this is great, too, because you can incorporate it into love making. So if you need—most women who have orgasms during intercourse need clitoral stimulation during intercourse, and this is a great way to get it—
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: —the Athena. Now, for women who want to have a G-spot orgasm—
Oprah: G-spot orgasm. Ooh.
Dr. Berman: A G-spot orgasm. Now this—so if you to have a G-spot orgasm and you've never had one—
Oprah: Which are for fare more intense and powerful.
Dr. Berman: Right. And that you want to—I recommend exploring the G-spot on your own first before you try it during intercourse because it can be, you know, hard to find. You want to experiment. So you can do it manually by yourself or you can use a G-spot stimulator, which is curved. So this is one in my line. I have several of them. But this one is called Paris, and this one vibrates as well, and so you would insert this into the vagina, and this rubs against the G-spot. So when you've hit the G-spot, you'll often feel the urge to urinate and that's because it's so close to the urethra where the urine comes out, so it will—it's stimulating the nerves there, and that's a good sign you're in the right spot. So this is a great way to explore G-spot stimulation. And then if you've already found your G-spot, you're more an advanced G-spot, or you want that blended orgasm, because remember there's three types of orgasm. There's the clitoral ones, which you would get with the Athena, you know, or the Aphrodite. And there's the G-spot ones, which you would get with the—this one. And then there is the Adonis—look at your face.
Oprah: It looks like a cell phone and something combination. Oh my gosh.
Dr. Berman: That's the next thing. You just gave me a great idea.
Oprah: What?
Dr. Berman: A cell phone that doubles as a vibrator. I'll have to think about that one.
Oprah: It looks like a cell phone.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, it does. This one has like seven different settings. It's a very intense—
Oprah: And how—what is that? I can't even tell which end is in.
Dr. Berman: All right. So I'm going to show you how it works. This is the spot that stimulates the G-spot. This is the vagina. It goes into the vagina.
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: And then there are these finger grooves, so your clitoris is right here. This is your vulva on the outside, right? And your clitoris is right here, and you use these finger grooves to go up like this. So this part is against your clitoris and labia, and then you rock it back and forth so you're getting simultaneous and consistent G-spot and clitoral stimulation. So this one women go crazy over. They really like this one for the blended orgasms.
Oprah: What's it called?
Dr. Berman: It's called the Adonis.
Oprah: The Adonis.
Dr. Berman: Yes.
Oprah: And this is just to hold the battery. The other part's just for holding the battery.
Dr. Berman: And for the—there's a long cord. I don't have it all the way open, but you can set it and just use—it's not all tied together.
Oprah: So is this something you're doing for yourself or is someone doing this for you?
Dr. Berman: Both. You can do all of these with a partner if you want to or by yourself, so if you're solo or if you just want to do it and have your partner watch or if you want your partner to do it for you, you can do all that. These are great ways to spice things up and they're not too expensive. I mean especially in this economy we want to think about that. This one—
Oprah: Of course.
Dr. Berman: —the Athena, is about $10. This one is about $20. This one, let me see if I have—
Oprah: I hear that the sale of these products has gone up because of the economy.
Dr. Berman: It has.
Oprah: That's what I hear.
Dr. Berman: Because the economy—because people would rather just invest, you know, $20, $50, whatever it is, in a fun sex toy and stay at home and sort of be playful and spice things up and get some sexual relief from the tension, but also it's a nice way to spend a night in. And this one has a really good bang for your buck, too, because it's several things in one. This is called the Aurora, and so it has two different bullets. This one I put in—it comes with a little silicon harness so the woman could use this herself. Once again, it has a long cord and a remote control. The woman could use this herself externally, all right? She can use it alone, either one of these bullets alone internally or externally, and this is a little holster that the guy can wear so this goes around his penis.
Oprah: Oh, please.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. Around his penis for hands-free clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
Oprah: Okay. You have just crossed the line with me.
Dr. Berman: Okay. Are you ready?
Oprah: No, you have crossed the line with me. I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Dr. Berman: All right, look. Here is the penis. (Indicating. )
Oprah: I swear. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for it. No. I am not ready for it. I am not nearly as advanced as I thought I was. No, I'm not. I'm not. No. No. No, no. Let's move on.
Dr. Berman: Okay.
Oprah: Lisa is Skyping in. Hello, Lisa.
Lisa: Hi, Oprah.
Oprah: Hi there. It just went a little too far for me.
Dr. Berman: We didn't even get to the toy cleaner.
Oprah: Never mind. Lisa is there with her husband, Bill, in their family room in Michigan. What's your question?
Lisa:Well, first of all, thank you for doing this series. It's opened up quite—quite a lot of conversations even among friends for the past couple weeks.
Oprah: I'm sure it has. Really.
Lisa: Yes.
Oprah: Thank you. Thank you. Go ahead.
Lisa:My question is, let's say you get beyond the—being a little scared about all this, and you choose your sex toy. How do you incorporate this into love making? Do you—
Oprah: I'm with you.
Lisa: Circle Tuesday night on the calendar as toy night? Do you pull it out from underneath your pillow and say, "Let's try this?"
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: Yeah.
Lisa: What do you do next?
Oprah: What's the language for it?
Dr. Berman: Yeah, yeah. Right. What's the language?Well, I mean, I think it's important—it's helpful to talk about ahead of time—
Oprah: Yes.
Dr. Berman: —and I think what you're talking about is that you already know—
Oprah: Dean's going to remove these.
Dr. Berman: Okay.
Oprah: Thank you, Dean.
Dr. Berman: You already know that you want to use them. You've talked about it. So how do you do so spontaneously? And I think any of the things you're talking about are good. I also recommend just having a little drawer in your night table or a nice little box that you can put under your bed that's—that's your toy box. And so when you want it, you can just sort of pull it out. I have had some couples that make it sex toy night, you know, or play night or experimentation night and I—I even have couples who I've had do a fantasy box so they each write down all the fantasies they would want to act out together and put them in a box and from time to time they pull one out and act it out. So this is sort of the same thing.
Oprah: Well, I think they've already—listen, you guys seem to have already set the mood there.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: You've got the fireplace going. You're holding hands snuggled up in front of the fire.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, you're ready.
Lisa: No, the kids are coming back home.
Oprah: The kids are coming back home. Well, thanks, Lisa and Bill. But she's right. There needs to be a language for—
Dr. Berman: Yes.
Oprah: How do you even integrate this?
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: I like that idea of the night stand.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, you need a big drawer for that one. That might go in your—a lot of women keep that in their bra or underwear drawer—
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: —for special occasions.
Oprah: Skyping in from Orange County, girlfriends Laura, Brooke, Camille and Patience. Camille, what's your question for Dr. Berman?
All: Hi, Oprah.
Oprah: Hi, guys.
All: Hi, Dr. Berman.
Camille: I was actually really interested in the Aphrodite when I saw that on Friday, and my question was, I'm not afraid to use it and I am also fine with my husband and his skills, no problems there, but I wondered to incorporate that on lazy days or whatever if that will sabotage his abilities in the long run. Because I've heard—I didn't know if it was a myth if you're using a vibrator, which is so strong and powerful, then maybe your husband's, you know, manual skills aren't quite as good or strong enough maybe?
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: It's a great question.
Oprah: That's take good question.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. And the bottom line is no human can compete with a vibrator in terms of the direct intensity and frequency of the stimulation. But—but women's sexual response is also so wrapped up in how they're feeling with the—about the person they're having sex with, how into it they are. So there are so many factors that are going to go into your sexual response that a vibrator can't replace. That being said, you know, if you're only using the vibrator, I always encourage women to kind of keep both skill sets alive. So sometimes you use a vibrator and sometimes you don't. And if you kind of keep both going, then you stay used to both.
Oprah: Because if you only used a vibrator and you became accustomed to—
Dr. Berman: Right. You can still relearn how to have an orgasm a different way, but you get kind of used to that and then it's hard the other way. Harder? Harder. Anybody else have a question there?
Brooke: I have a question, Oprah.
Oprah: Okay.
Brooke: I was just wondering—I'm Brooke. I was just wondering what the best position was to achieve a G-spot orgasm?
Dr. Berman: Okay. Well, we talked about the Kegels. That's important. We—so a woman on top is a great way because you can provide more friction that way. Also a male behind. But there's one position called the CAT, the Coital Alignment Technique, but basically it's a variation on the missionary position, the traditional position with the man on top, so if you—yeah, it's in there.
Oprah: It's in there. Okay.
Dr. Berman: It's in Real Sex for Real Women. I don't remember what page. You might have to just look.
Oprah: Oh, my.
Dr. Berman: Basically—basically you—
Oprah: (Indicating.)
Dr. Berman: (Laughter.) You didn't know what you were getting yourself into tonight.
Oprah: I—it's in there. It's in there. It's right in there. It's all in here. (Indicating.)
Dr. Berman: But it's a variation on the missionary position where he kind of lifts up and over and rocks back and forth, and that rocking motion really helps with G-spot stimulation because you kind of need that consistent friction there. Does that make sense?
Brooke: Okay. Okay.
Oprah: I was going to look—I was going to see if I could find the CAT.
Dr. Berman: The CAT.
Oprah: But even if we saw it, I wasn't going to show it.
Dr. Berman: I don't know if—
Oprah: The lawyers won't like that. I don't see it here. The CAT. But it's in here.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, it's in there.
Oprah: Just look at the index. Very stimulating. Thank you, ladies. Thank you very much. David from Georgia is on the phone. They look so good sitting all lined up there in the green.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: On the phone. David?
David: Hi, Oprah.
Oprah: Hi, David. How are you doing?
David: Yes. Hi, Dr. Berman. Hey, listen, I love my wife. We have good sex now. But I'd like for it to be a little bit better. She likes it to be hard, fast and furious, but I climax way before she has a chance to achieve orgasm.
Oprah: Mm-hmm.
David: Are there any kind of ways I can train myself so I have more endurance and staying power?
Oprah: Yeah, Kegels for men.
Dr. Berman: Kegels for men. That's a big part of it. Using to use your muscle control and your breath. So what I recommend is that when you do it on your own through self-stimulation, and if 10 is orgasm, you know, the point of no return, you get yourself to a 7 and then either stop, you know, or squeeze those muscles and use your breath and bring yourself back down to a 4 out of 10. And then get yourself back up to a 7. And then move back to a 4. And do that several times until you really get the hang of it and you really practice it on your own, and then you can start practicing it with your partner as well. And if that doesn't work, there are other techniques. I don't know how graphic you want to get called the squeeze technique and the stop-start technique. The stop-start basically means stopping and starting. The squeeze technique, some men need extra help stopping the stimulation so you can squeeze right below the glands of the penis, so the head of the penis, right below there, and that will tamp down the stimulation a lot as well.
Oprah: Did that help you, David?
David: Well, yes, it does. Also I practice the Kegels on my own.
Dr. Berman: Okay.
David: But I haven't done it for a very long time. How long should I keep doing them before I—
Oprah: I bet it's like any other exercise.
Dr. Berman: Right you've got to keep doing it. Those muscles get weak if you don't. And you want to squeeze those and take really deep breaths to sort of quiet the arousal and hold yourself back a little bit. But you want to do several hundred a day just like the women and on an ongoing basis. And if you don't keep doing them, they will weaken. Especially with age as our testosterone lowers, all of our muscle tone diminishes, including our Kegel muscle tone.
David: Okay. Well, thank you both very much.
Oprah: Thank you, David, from Macon, Georgia. Another group of friends joining us from outside of Austin. Austin, Texas. Hello, Amy, Christi, Casie and Shannon.
All: Hi.
Oprah: Hi. Hi, ladies. Your question for Dr. Berman. A lot of women are watching tonight.
Christi: I have two questions. One is I noticed when I administer oral sex to my husband, his joy juice will taste different every time. A sometimes it's sweet and sometimes it's salty and I was just wondering if that is dietary and if there's some way that I can control it. I have a little bit of a sweet tooth.
Oprah: Lord, this is a new day. Have mercy. (Laughter.) I would have never expected that from Austin, Texas, I swear. I declare I wouldn't expect it from you girls down there. But okay.
Dr. Berman: It's a really common question this I get asked. And, yes, diet does affect it. If—you know, the things that seem to affect it in negative ways are alcohol, smoking, broccoli, spicy foods like curry will negatively affect. Positively affecting would be pineapple juice, pepper mints, celery, cranberry juice. Those have all been studied and seem to improve the—
Oprah: Semen.
Dr. Berman: —the flavor of semen. Or joy juice, which she calls it which I think is hilarious.
Oprah: Did you think long and hard about that question today?
Dr. Berman: She did.
Christi: Of course.
Oprah: Of course you did.
Christi: I have another question.
Oprah: Okay, let's hear it.
Christi: You were talking about the Aphrodite, and I've noticed that some of those vibrators are really, really powerful, and I was wondering if you use them frequently, can you get any nerve damage in that area?
Dr. Berman: Right. You—
Oprah: Because that Aphrodite looks like a lawn mower, doesn't it?You just go right in there. It's like a Roto-Rooter.
Christi: Yeah.
Oprah: Take you out, that thing.
Dr. Berman: Right. Right.
Christi: Like a jack hammer thing.
Oprah: God. The crew's loving this, by the way.
Dr. Berman: I know. And they're loving your discomfort.
Oprah: Hey, fellas. (Laughter.)
Dr. Berman: The best part is seeing you squirm so much.
Oprah: I know. I've never squirmed this much since the Michael Jackson interview in 1992. Okay, go ahead.
Dr. Berman: So there's no evidence to ever have suggested that you can quote-unquote do nerve damage. But—so I wouldn't worry about that. I think along the lines of another question that we got earlier, you can get kind of used to that kind of stimulation so that regular partner stimulation doesn't feel as intense. And many women if they're—if they already have good sensation, you want to get a vibrator that has escalating vibration so it starts off low and gets higher and higher and higher, because you may need a lower sensation—a lower vibration than a woman who might be having less sensation because of perimenopause or because of any medications she's on and she needs a lot of vibration. So you don't want to use more than you need mostly because you start to feel numb after a little bit.
Christi: Okay.
Oprah: Okay. Anybody else in Austin?
Casie: I have one.
Oprah: Go ahead.
Casie: Mine's a little less shocking. We have preteens in our house, and we're finding it increasingly difficult to have alone time in our house because our preteens stay up later than us. Do you have any advice for us who have preteens in the house and are trying to work our way around it?
Dr. Berman: Yeah. Well, I think the first thing is not to be so freaked out about them having a concept of what you're doing. I mean, it doesn't mean that you need to give them details and what you're doing and say, "Okay, honey, good night. We're going to make love now." But—
Oprah: That's too much information for preteens.
Dr. Berman: That's too much information. But the first thing any parent should do is put a lock on their door and have their kids learn from an early age that "sometimes Mommy and Daddy, you know, we love each other and we take private time from time to time." And that should be an ongoing thing their whole lives. You have a monitor in their room when they're young. If they need you, you can go to them. But you lock that door and you give yourself that private time. And them knowing what you're doing is okay. You're giving them the model of what a loving, intimate sexual relationship is, and that's what you eventually want for them. So the intimacy, the romance, the sexual connection, they see the two of you have, is going to be what they're going to look for in their future mate.
Oprah: I think that's really powerful, because I think so many parents feel that "if I leave—if I lock the door then it means I'm not being a good parent. I should be available to my children at all times."
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: Right? Is that what you were thinking or not?
Casie: Yeah. I'm concerned with what they might think and how they're going to feel about it and how much therapy—
Oprah: They may think something's going on in there—what they're going to think is something is going in there that they're not privy too.
Dr. Berman: And they're old enough they're going to think, "Ew, Mom and Dad are doing it." But that's—(laughter)—that's not damaging. That's not—what would be damaging is if you gave them the details afterward, you know, or if you did the reverse and talked to them about how you had no sex. I mean, you don't want to—they shouldn't be privy to what goes on in your sex life. But knowing that you are sexual together is good. It's healthy. It's natural. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You're modeling for them what a loving relationship is.
Oprah: That's right. Because that's how you learn what to do in your own relationships.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. Absolutely.
Oprah: How you see your father treat your mother and vice versa.
Dr. Berman: Absolutely.
Oprah: Okay. Thank you, Austin ladies. Thank you. You shockeroos. Shockeroos. (Laughter.) Okay.
Dr. Berman: Go eat some celery and pineapple juice. Or tell him to.
Oprah: Let's go to Joy from Atlanta on Skype. Joy?
Joy: Hi, Oprah. Hi, Dr. Berman. Nice to see you.
Oprah: Nice to see you.
Joy: This has been a fabulous series. I'm enjoying it immensely.
Oprah: Thank you.
Joy: My question, Dr. Berman, is I just recently turned 60. I've been divorced for about five years and obviously I want to get into a relationship and become sexually active, but I've been hearing some new trends that have been going on and the trend is to shave your vagina or wax it, and that is kind of new to me but evidently that is the new deal and there is—there's new ways of—there's even hairstyles for it. My question is, is this safe?And is it sanitary? And is this a good idea?
Oprah: Well, I didn't know there were hairstyles.
Dr. Berman: Oh, yeah. Dye jobs and shapes you can make it into and all sorts of things. It is quite popular now to do what' called the Brazilian, which is either removing all of the hair off of your vulva or leaving a little strip. And a lot of young women do that. A lot of women don't. But it is becoming increasingly common. I think more so it's about just being well groomed in that area, whatever style you choose.
Oprah: Like if you're going out for wearing a bikini or something.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: But I think women are doing it because for—not to be well groomed but does it help sex in any way.
Dr. Berman: They feel like the—I think part of it is the lack of hair provides for sensation because there's more—it's easier to feel. But also I think it's because what women are seeing in the men's magazines. That's what—you know, that's what they see and that's what's hot and sexy right now. But it's certainly, you know, not required if that's not something you're comfortable with. And if you do choose to do it, you obviously want to take—you want to be very careful when you're shaving your vulva, especially around your labia. You want to use a clean razor. You want to consider waxing and going to some—a place that is very clean and licensed to wax and specializes in that, in waxing the bikini area. And usually the aesthetician or the person doing it will ask you lots of specifics about the style you want if you choose to go that route. But I wouldn't feel pressured or worried about doing it if you're not comfortable with it.
Oprah: Now how did you feel when you first heard that people were doing it, Joy, that it was a—that it's now become a fairly common thing. I don't know how common. But fairly common.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Joy: I was really surprised. I mean, I grew up my whole life and I actually had to have it shaved down at my vagina area for surgery, and I remember getting a rash and it was itchy and running to the corner to have a quick scratch. So now that this is commonplace and obviously pleasurable for the men, I'm just wondering if I really want to go through with all that again.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. Yeah. And shaving will grow in quicker and—and more, you know, so it is itchier when it grows in than waxing. But you certainly, like I said, don't—I would—you know, you definitely want to trim and groom, but other than that, I don't think much is required.
Oprah: Joy, I wouldn't go all the way right now if you were you.
Dr. Berman: Do it in baby steps if you're going to do it.
Oprah: Yeah. You might want to do a hairstyle and then—
Dr. Berman: Yeah—slowly work your way through.
Oprah: —slowly work your way through. Yeah. I had never heard that there were hairstyles.
Dr. Berman: Oh, yeah.
Oprah: Yeah. Mimi's over there I know who does your makeup who also is an aesthetician—
Dr. Berman: Yeah. She'll tell you.
Oprah: —who does them. Don't you do these—don't you do these, Mimi?
Dr. Berman: Mimi does hairstyles.
Oprah: Don't you do a lot of waxing?
Mimi: —a lot of waxing.
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, she does a lot of waxing, and women will gets hearts made or initials.
Oprah: People—Mimi, you're on TV now.
Mimi: No, I'm not.
Oprah: Yeah, you are right now. You're on the Web. And so what is the most poplar requested hairstyle, as Joy was talking about. I didn't know there were hairstyles.
Mimi: No, we don't do hairstyles. We do a Brazilian bikini wax but—
Oprah: Brazilian is everything gone, right?
Mimi: No, actually Brazilian you leave a—a landing strip.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Mimi: And then if you want a full Brazilian, then you take everything off.
Oprah: Okay.
Mimi: Yes. But a Brazilian has a landing strip.
Oprah: But I heard some women get like hearts and things.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. Or flowers or initials.
Oprah: You can get your husband's initials—you can get your husband's initials for Valentine's Day.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: That's nice.
Dr. Berman: Or put a little decal, a little temporary tattoo there.
Oprah: This is clearly one of those things I am telling you to do that I won't be doing. But, no, I think—so the most requested is a Brazilian. A little landing strip, Mimi, or all the way?
Mimi: All the way.
Oprah: All the way. And is that because they're wearing bikinis and going on vacation or just—
Mimi: Not at all. Because the bikinis aren't that small that they're going to see you're coming out of it. It has nothing to do with the bikini.
Oprah: Yeah. How many do you do a day, would you say?
Mimi: Actually, I don't do them. I have two people who work for me.
Oprah: Who do them.
Mimi: So—but they do about six or eight a day.
Oprah: Right. I've been downstairs in the spa getting a pedicure, and I've seen people go in the room with you. What are they doing with in there?
Mimi: No, they do eyebrows with me.
Oprah: Oh, they're doing eyebrows.
Mimi: Yeah.
Oprah: Like I did today. They're doing—
Dr. Berman: They're not doing Brazilians.
Oprah: Oh, I thought they were doing Brazilians. I—to this moment, Mimi, I thought everybody was coming downstairs getting—I thought well this—and I'm getting a pedicure so I'm watching people march in—here at Harpo we have a little spa here and I'm thinking, "God, it's shocking the number of people getting Brazilians." But they're getting eyebrows. Thank you, Joy, for bringing that up.
Dr. Berman: And good luck getting back out there.
Oprah: Good luck getting back out there, yeah.
Joy: Thank you.
Oprah: Yeah. Rusty, Sarah and Valerie are joining us from Indianapolis. Valerie, your question is?
Valerie: Hi, Dr. Berman. My question is, how do I get my husband interested in trying new things without seeming really pushy?
Oprah: Try a Brazilian.
Dr. Berman: Very good. That's a good—that's a good idea.
Oprah: Come home with his initials in your vulva and that will change things.
Dr. Berman: Yes.
Valerie: Maybe I can try a heart.
Dr. Berman: That is—that's a good idea. Also, you know, try—start off small. Dean, do you have the lubricants?
Dean: Yes.
Dr. Berman: You can start off—there's some great fun playful lubricants out there now. Dean's going to bring us some to show you or—so you don't necessarily have to bring out like a whole bag of sex toys necessarily at first. But, like, for instance K-Y in your drugstore makes some great products. This is a two-in-one warming massage oil so you—it can be used as a lubricant and a massage oil, and it kind of heats up so you can give him a massage and then use it as a lubricant as well. And then this is called Yours & Mine, a product they have. So one is for him and one is for yours—you.
Oprah: By K-Y.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, by K-Y, by the K-Y brand and they—and when they—and they sort of create kind of tingling warm sensations, and when they come together during intercourse or during sexual play—
Oprah: Where do you put them?
Dr. Berman: You put them on your genitals.
Oprah: Oh.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, these—this is lubricants just for your genitals. This is a two-in-one massage oil.
Oprah: That goes over your whole body?
Dr. Berman: That can go over your whole body and can be used as a lubricant as well. A lot of massages oils you wouldn't necessarily want to use a lubricant and a lot of lubricants you wouldn't necessarily want to use as a massage oil. So the cool thing about this product is that it's not only warming, kind of creates that tingling sensation, but you can use two-in-one. Use it for both.
Oprah: All right.
Dr. Berman: And then—so that's a good way to start. These are just Liquibeads. This is great for women who have dryness. We were talking about dryness earlier. This you put inside your vagina, and it keeps you lubricated for up to four days so you don't have to keep reapplying it. So this is a nonhormonal option that K-Y also makes.
Oprah: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Berman: Another thing you might do is surprise him, and I find that guys are always interested in this. This is one product that I have in my line called Astraya, but these are wireless remote control vibrating panties so you wear the panties, they have a little vibrating bullet inside the crotch of the panties and then you go, "Honey, I have a present for you," and you give him the wireless remote control and then you tell him what it does and whenever he activates, turns on the control, it's going to stimulate you up to 12 feet away. So you can go to—
Oprah: So you're out to dinner with friends.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, or at a boring cocktail party.
Oprah: A boring cocktail party, yeah.
Dr. Berman: So it's a way to kind of get playful and give him the control and have some fun in kind of nonthreatening ways. And then if you're more adventurous and wanting to spice things up, you can use my Mistress Kit, which has some furry purple handcuffs and a little purple feather duster and a blindfold, so you can sort of take turns tying each other up, give each other massages or tickle each other or kiss each other or play with different food stuffs and have fun. But I wouldn't introduce this first if he's a little bit wary. I would introduce the other stuff.
Oprah: Has anything interested you here?
Valerie: I definitely have to get those panties.
Oprah: Yeah. I don't understand the whole tying up thing.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, well for women especially there's this idea of surrender, especially for women who are so in control all the time and they love the—especially in the relationship.
Oprah: Maybe that's why I don't understand the whole tying up thing. Why would I want to be tied up?
Dr. Berman: Because you would give up the control. You surrender.
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: Your power. And there's something very liberating, releasing and exciting about that and you put yourself completely in your partner's hands.
Oprah: Okay. Okay. You're going to try the panties, though, right?
Valerie: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: Try the panties.
Oprah: That's a good gift.
Valerie: I have another question, though.
Oprah: Yeah, go ahead, guys, Rusty, Sarah and Valerie.
Valerie: I have never tried anal sex. I'm terrified of it. And how do I do this? Or how do I at least get comfortable enough to try it?
Dr. Berman: Right. Well, first of all, you're not—you're certainly not required to try it. But it does seem to be something that's on the wish list of a lot of men to try.
Oprah: Why? Why? Why do men—
Dr. Berman: It's taboo. It's fascinating to them. It's exciting. It's, you know, forbidden, it's—
Oprah: Painful.
Dr. Berman: Well, very tight.
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: For lack of a better word.
Oprah: I'd say—I'd say Kegel yourself.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, Kegel yourself and then it will be tight. But—yes. So the main thing is the relaxation. So if you're anxious about it, first of all, the anus doesn't have natural lubricant so—like the vagina does. So you want to have a lot a lot a lot of lubricant and you also need to have, I believe, a tremendous amount of trust because the second you tense, it's almost impossible to do. So it requires a lot of relaxation, a lot of comfort, a lot of trust and a lot of lubricant. And a—and a lot of care. You want to go very slowly. You may want to start with a finger first and work your way up to his penis. I mean, you—you definitely—some women really—if they want to do it, and that's assuming they want to, you really have to work your way into it. But women who do have anal sex, many of them find it extremely pleasurable.
Oprah: Does anyone else have a question?
Sarah: I do, Oprah.
Oprah: Go ahead.
Sarah: My first question is, my husband and I are working on the blended orgasm, but we're not quite there yet. Dr. Berman, are there positions that we could try to maybe be more successful?
Dr. Berman: So the blended or is the G-spot and clitoral and what you're looking for is that simultaneous stimulation.
Sarah: Yes.
Dr. Berman: So as I mentioned before, that CAT, the Coital Alignment Technique that is in the book, the Real Sex for Real Women, there are lots of positions in there for blended orgasms.
Oprah: (Indicating.) I'm holding up the book so you can see it.
Dr. Berman: She's holding up the book. So there's lots of positions in there. You want to be in a position—you can also use a small vibrator like the Athena I showed earlier or the Aurora that freaked Oprah out. You can use those for clitoral stimulation during intercourse. And then if you use your Kegel muscles, you're squeezing, providing that friction around your G-spot and also getting clitoral stimulation.
Oprah: Got it?
Sarah: Yes.
Oprah: How old are you guys? May I ask you that?
Valerie: I'm 35.
Oprah: Thirty-five.
Sarah: I'm 28.
Oprah: Twenty-eight.
Rusty: Thirty-seven.
Oprah: Thirty-seven. It's clearly an interesting dynamic here. First of all, 10 years ago we would not have been able to have this conversation.
Dr. Berman: No.
Oprah: Anywhere except on some, I don't know, where we could even—
Dr. Berman: No.
Oprah: —have had this conversation. And it clearly is a difference in the 30-year-old generation and my generation, because I'm, you know, going to be 55 in a week or so, and your comfortability with expressing it. Because truly I am very uncomfortable with this conversation.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. Yeah.
Oprah: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Berman: It's certainly not something you're used to talking about.
Oprah: No. Just the word "anus" makes me kind of tense.
Dr. Berman: Well then I wouldn't try recommending anal sex right now.
Oprah: You don't have to worry about me. No. And then she just so freely said "anal sex." I mean, I have to tell you. I have to tell you.
Dr. Berman: Which is a great thing.
Oprah: I thought I was pretty sexually liberated. I really did.
Dr. Berman: You don't have to be liberated about everything.
Oprah: Yes. But I just could not be discussing. I really commend you for being able to be—and this is where we're headed in the world.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: And I really do embrace the fact that it's our bodies and there's nothing wrong with our bodies that we should be able to talk about it. But it just clearly is, as you all can see, I'm a little uncomfortable, and it clearly is very different. Very different.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: Than—you know, it has been. And so do you—do you talk about this amongst yourselves?
Valerie: We do.
Sarah: All the time.
Rusty: Yeah.
Oprah: You do.
Sarah: Yeah, we do.
Dr. Berman: And they want it. They want the answers. They want the information. And what I think is so great is that women—this is the shift is that women are feeling—it's not just about like what they need to do to get by in the relationship or to satisfy him or get him off her back.
Oprah: That's right.
Dr. Berman: "It's time to embrace my own pleasure. What do I want sexually?"
Oprah: That's what I love about it because this generation of 30-year-olds they are certainly not going to go 24 years faking an orgasm.
Dr. Berman: No, no, the majority of them are not.
Oprah: So when you heard earlier, when you heard earlier when we first opened the show and there was Luanne and Gerald and obviously you saw the show last week, what did you thing being when you saw Luanne who had been in a marriage, a loving relationship with Gerald all these years and she had been faking it and had never had an orgasm. What did you guys think?
Valerie: I felt bad for her. I really felt sad because I always thought as a woman it's your responsibility to own your own orgasm. That when you're having sex—
Oprah: That's a t-shirt.
Dr. Berman: Own your orgasm.
Sarah: Yeah.
Oprah: Yeah.
Valerie: That you really should be focused on getting your own orgasm and not letting him give it to you.
Oprah: Uh-huh.
Dr. Berman: Or expecting him to. But I will say that younger women who can't reach orgasm for some reason, they have inhibitions, they haven't figured it out, and they feel so much pressure, they've lost relationships because the guys are so hung up on them reaching orgasm or they feel so much pressure, they will fake it.
Oprah: Fake it, yeah.
Dr. Berman: They will fake it. But most women now in their 30s have at least explored self-stimulation and have kind of figured it out on their own. If they haven't, then they might have gone down the path of faking rather than getting help, which hopefully now they're going to start doing.
Oprah: So the idea of faking is not something that you—it's not a part of your language, correct?
Sarah: Not at all. When I first learned, it was a vibrator. It was, you know, take a vibrator, try it out yourself, figure out what you like. I have a G-spot vibrator that I love. Use it, you know, not often. But every time when I just feel like I need a little boost, I'll do it myself and my husband's all for it.
Valerie: Any time we want to bring a little glow to our faces.
Sarah: Instead of a facial.
Valerie: An orgasm will do the same.
Oprah: I think that's fantastic. Own your own orgasm.
Dr. Berman: There you go.
Oprah: Thank you, ladies. Thank you. Remember if you a specific question for Dr. Berman, call us at 866-Oprah XM. That's 866-677-2496. We have Cathleen on the phone from Manchester, New Hampshire. Go ahead.
Cathleen: Hi, I had a quick question. When I have an orgasm, sometimes I expel copious amounts of fluid. I've heard of female ejaculation before, but is this normal to ejaculate so much?
Dr. Berman: Yes. Here's the thing. You are talking about female ejaculation, and when they've looked at it, they used to think it was urine. When they've looked at it under a microscope and analyzed it, it's not urine. It is they think fluid from the Skene's glands, which is sort of equivalent of the prostate gland in men, and the studies have been really interesting because they've indicated that actually all women ejaculate during orgasm, but the majority of women for whom it doesn't come out it goes—it does what's called retrograde ejaculation. It goes back into the bladder. So they did this study where they looked at a whole bunch of women after orgasm. They looked at women who ejaculate after orgasm and they looked at women who don't ejaculate with orgasm, and there's a property in people ejaculate called PSA, which is also in semen, a prostate stimulating antigen. It's called PSA. And so the women who ejaculated, they looked at their urine after orgasm and there was no PSA in their urine. The women who did not ejaculate, they looked at their urine after orgasm and there was PSA in their urine. So the idea is all women ejaculate, except most of us, it goes back up into our bladder. So all women can learn to ejaculate, and there are people who teach this, I'm not one of them, but the idea is that we tend to clench and squeeze in when we reach orgasm, and if you relax and push out almost as if you're urinating when you orgasm, because it does come from the urethra, that you can learn to ejaculate and you can tell us, Cathleen, women who do ejaculate with orgasm say that they have much more intense orgasms that way than when they don't.
Oprah: I've been thinking just listening to you if you're a woman and you've never done that before, you would think you'll end up urinating.
Dr. Berman: Right. And it's embarrassing and scary, but that's important to know that it's totally normal.
Oprah: Okay, Cathleen, did that help?
Cathleen: Yeah, it does. I mean, it's just—it's inconvenient. It's messy. You have to prepare before sex—
Dr. Berman: Right.
Cathleen: —you have to put something down, because, I mean, it does kind of make a mess of the bed.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, yeah, it can.
Oprah: All right, thank you.
Cathleen: Thank you.
Oprah: Yvette's Skyping from her husband's home office in Tampa, Florida. Hi, Yvette.
Yvette: Hi, Oprah. How are you?
Oprah: I'm good.
Yvette: I actually have two questions for Dr. Berman. My first question is, my husband says that I perform oral sex once a year if he's lucky. Do you have a technique for giving oral sex that's easier and takes less time? And then I'd be doing it a lot more often. Because I really don't have a problem. I just—it just takes so much time.
Dr. Berman: How much are we talking?
Yvette: Well, I mean, I—15, 10 minutes?
Dr. Berman: Well, that's not so much time. But it does feel like a long time when you're doing something that you're not enjoying.
Yvette: It's a lot of work.
Dr. Berman: It's a lot of work. All right. So one thing you can do is do other kinds of stimulation first until he's gotten much closer or do oral sex for a while first. Then go on to do manual stimulation or something else, and then go back to oral sex so that you're not doing only oral for the entire 15 minutes. And then you can also ask him what turns him on. For a lot of men it's visual so, you know, watching porn or watching you while you perform oral sex is stimulating to them. Or talking dirty to them is stimulating to them. So there are things that can move the process and make the arousal more intense, you know. But 10 to 15 minutes is, you know, it's not—it's not the average. The average is seven minutes. But it's not extremely long. Does that make sense?
Yvette: Yes. Yes, that makes sense. My second—it's funny when you said that about talking. My second question is that my husband feels like he's in a silent movie when we're in bed, and he wants me to talk dirty. How can I become more comfortable in talking dirty and get over the embarrassment?
Dr. Berman: Yeah, and it's something that a lot of women feel around this and a lot of men enjoy. You can start by just using nonverbal feedback. Moaning. Saying, "That feels good" when he's doing something that you enjoy. A lot of women find it easy to just give a running commentary, you know, you're doing this to me now you're—you know, they just sort of say what's happening. Or they say, "That feels really good." Those are easy ways to start. The other thing you may want to do is read some erotica out loud and practice using those words and maybe even read it to him and practice that because it's more about the practice and the fear that you're going to seem foolish or the inhibitions—
Oprah: I thought you were going to say "the wrong thing."
Dr. Berman: Or, "I said the wrong."
Oprah: "Oh my God, I said the wrong thing." Yeah.
Dr. Berman: I don't think it's easy to say the wrong thing unless you bring up another guy's name or something. As long as it's positive—
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: —you know, they're happy. But I think also it's that sort of nice girl thing. It comes from those earlier messages, you know, that—
Oprah: Yeah.
Dr. Berman: —that it's sort of—
Oprah: I love that her husband says, "I'm in a silent movie."
Yvette: Yeah, he does say that.
Dr. Berman: So start off just like moaning—
Yvette: (Inaudible)—in a silent movie. But we do the moaning, we do the—the things that you said. I think he wants to take it to another level.
Dr. Berman: Right. So have you ever watched porn with him?
Yvette: Oh, yeah, we've been together for over 20 years. We've—
Dr. Berman: So you've seen what the women say on those movies?
Yvette: Yes.
Dr. Berman: That's what he—that's probably what he's wanting you to say.
Yvette: Yeah.
Oprah: That's what she's saying. She's saying, "I feel ridiculous saying that."
Dr. Berman: Is that what it is?
Yvette: Yes. Yes, I do. That's—you know, we—I think—I mean, I really feel like our sex life is great. We have a great sex life, the moaning and the—it feels great. But I know he's looking to take it to another level, and I am having a really, really hard time with that. I just—you know, saying some of those really expressive crazy stuff—
Dr. Berman: What does it make you feel? What's the story you have about what it would be saying about you?
Yvette: Maybe—I don't know. I just—
Oprah: Yeah, you do.
Yvette: I feel like he's going to judge me. Maybe that he's going to judge me.
Dr. Berman: And what you're really afraid of is that you're judging yourself and what's really going on is that somebody from earlier in your life is judging you and you've taken that on yourself. So—about your sexuality. So there's some key people or person in your life that played a fundamental role in your sexual development that taught you that, you know, that judged you around it. Around being too free, around being too natural, around being too expressive, around owning your sexuality too wholeheartedly and aggressively, and that's the voice that's playing in your head, that you're projecting onto him because he's sitting there saying, "Let's go for it." He's not going to judge you at all.
Yvette: No. No.
Dr. Berman: It's you who's judging yourself. And really what's happening is that you're allowing that little girl to judge yourself. You know what I mean?
Yvette: I got you. Yeah.
Dr. Berman: So think about—we don't have to get into that right now, but think about who that person was and who those messages were and write them down and really own them and decide whether you want to keep owning those messages as yours.
Yvette: I'm going to do that. I really am. I'm going to do that.
Oprah: Well, Yvette, thank you.
Yvette: You're welcome. Thank you for having me.
Oprah: Thank you for Skyping in. So Lara from Vermont called in with a question. Lara?
Lara: Hey, Oprah. Thanks for taking my call.
Oprah: Glad you're here.
Lara: Dr. Berman, I am a single woman. And to Oprah's point, a sexually vibrant single woman, so I fully enjoy pornography.
Oprah: Okay.
Lara: And recently I happened to mention this in front of a friend of mine who's very passionate about women's rights, and so we got to talking about perpetuating the image of women as sexual object,s and I suddenly felt really guilty and, you know, a little bit dirty.
Oprah: And judged.
Lara: And so my question is whether or not porn is a healthy outlet for a woman's sexuality that we can enjoy sort of guilt-free?
Dr. Berman: I—I truly believe yes. I think that there is a very healthy role for erotica and pornography in a single person's life, in a couple's life, in a relationship's life. And that there is nothing wrong with it. And—and, you know, yes, sort of traditional feminism has shunned pornography as something that objectifies women. My take on it, and I consider myself a feminist, is that when you own your sexuality, and when you embrace your sexuality, that's the most feminist thing there is. And so whatever turns you on embracing that should be celebrated.
Oprah: Yeah. It's the difference between owning it and abusing it.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: Owning it and then exploiting it.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Oprah: Yes. Yeah.
Dr. Berman: Does that make sense?
Lara: Yeah, I used to wear it as a badge, you know? Like something to be proud of and sort of flaunt it as being this sexually liberated—I don't know if people say that anymore—woman in my 30s.
Dr. Berman: Good.
Lara: And it was just recently that I've started to feel like I shouldn't be doing it or I should feel bad about, you know, enjoying myself that way.
Dr. Berman: I think you're giving that person too much power.
Oprah: Is that person older?
Lara: No.
Oprah: No. Interesting.
Lara: They're not.
Oprah: Yeah. Because I'm wondering, is it a generational thing? Because obviously there are a lot of, as I was saying earlier, a lot of women in their 30s, and obviously their 20s, who own their sexuality in a different way than, you know, my generation did.
Dr. Berman: Right. Well, there's feminist—
Oprah: That's a generality.
Dr. Berman: I think there can be a generational thing, and I think there can be an ingenerational thing where it has to do with your attitude toward men, I think, more than anything else. And if to you feminism means that men are bad and that men are objectifiers and that men are seeking to put you down, and we have to push against that and live our lives at the effect of that, then you're going to see porn as something bad. If you are the kind of feminist who celebrates men as being different but equal and having their own strengths and you having your own strengths and you own your own sexuality and aren't at the effect of men in terms of your sex life, then porn can be a great thing.
Oprah: Okay.
Dr. Berman: Does that make sense?
Oprah: Yeah, it does make sense.
Dr. Berman: Okay.
Oprah: Thanks, Lara.
Lara: Thank you so much. That's very helpful.
Oprah: Good. Thirty-two-year-old Heather is Skyping from her bedroom near Los Angeles, California. Hey, Heather. Welcome.
Heather: Hey, Oprah.
Oprah: Hey.
Heather: Dr. Berman, I was actually watching the show last Friday with women not being able to achieve orgasm or having a decrease in their libido and not having the same level as their husbands? And my issue is actually the opposite. My husband and I have a great relationship. We've been together for quite some time, and I would say in the last year we've noticed a decrease in his libido, and I want more sex than he does and our roles have almost reversed, or I feel that maybe if he does do it, he's just taking one for the team and it isn't something he necessarily is excited about doing.
Oprah: Wow.
Heather: Or it takes longer to stimulate him.
Oprah: A lot of women are saying this these days. It's all a part of women owning their own sexuality.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. And I think—and we're hearing that a lot more. I don't know if it's because women are owning it more or because more men are reporting it and there's—you know, because it's the men—it's the women who are supposed to have the headache.
Oprah: Right.
Dr. Berman: You know, men are supposed to always want it. And so when the man doesn't want it, there's so much shame for him and for her. "What's wrong with me?" And they—the woman owns it so much more than the guy might—
Oprah: Right.
Dr. Berman: —in a similar situation. And, you know, I think you definitely need to look at the relationship and what's going on there. But what we find is that men are susceptible to hormonal changes as well, to changes in medications as well that can affect their sexual response and their interest, and we also have found that while all stress pretty much will negatively affect a woman's libido, financial and work-related stress will really affect a man's libido. So if he's feeling bad about—
Oprah: It affects his—
Dr. Berman: His sense of masculinity—
Oprah: And his identity.
Dr. Berman: —and his identity. And so I don't know if that's been going on for him. But if he's having any work-related—related stress or money-related stress, you'll often see a big drop. Or if he's depressed.
Heather: Okay, thank you.
Oprah: Okay. But does that apply to you, Heather?
Heather: We have a 2-and-a half-year-old daughter, and I know his work in the last I would say year has definitely taken—with the economy being what it is, the ups and downs, so he's in the entertainment industry and it's difficult to know if you're going to have a job tomorrow. So I would say yes to that.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. Yeah. And some men actually—I mean, this is an aside. It's probably the financial in your case. But some men also once their wives have children and if they watched the childbirth will have a plummet in their—in their desire as well.
Oprah: Yeah, we did that on the show.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: With the guy who said, "Once I saw that, it was just really hard to see it any other way."
Heather: That's interesting because he did—he held my left thigh while we were delivering my baby. So that would be a good question.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, ask him.
Oprah: Yeah. Ask him. Yeah. Because did you see that show we had? I can't remember the guy's name who said he was—
Dr. Berman: It was Shawn and Kerrie.
Oprah: He was never the same.
Dr. Berman: He had watched the childbirth, and he could never look at her genitals the same. Yeah.
Oprah: Yeah. So that's why it's good for a lot of men who may feel that way to stay up top.
Dr. Berman: Stay by the shoulder and look over the shoulder.
Oprah: Stay by the shoulder and look over the shoulder.
Dr. Berman: Not down at the thigh.
Heather: Dr. Berman, you had also mentioned that if the testosterone levels are different, could that be something that could happen to someone?
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Heather: Like in their 30s?
Dr. Berman: Usually not in your 30s. It's usually in your late 40s into your 50s. But if he's on any medications, if he has any medical conditions, if he's on antidepressants.
Oprah: Blood pressure does it for a lot of guys. Blood pressure.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. So—and if he's having any sexual response problems, the first thing that will happen to a guy if he loses his erection one time, you know, or if he thinks there's even a chance he's going to have problems with function, he'll shut down from sex completely rather than take a chance at failure. So sometimes there's something else going on function-wise that's then impacting on their sexual interests. So I would definitely get him to see a urologist who specializes in sexual medicine, and there are lots of those around. Lots of urologists do that. And get him, you know, a full workup to make sure everything's working well. But look at those other factors too.
Heather: Okay, thank you.
Oprah: Heather, thank you. So now Janet from Reno is on the phone. Janet, go for it.
Janet: Hi, Oprah. Hi, Dr. Berman.
Oprah: Hi.
Dr. Berman: Hi.
Janet: How are you?
Oprah: We're good. We're good.
Janet: Happy birthday, Oprah.
Oprah: Almost. Almost.
Janet: What a privilege to be on the show.
Oprah: Thank you.
Janet: I'm a happily married and straight 53-year-old woman, and I get sexually aroused just by thinking about men having sex with other men.
Oprah: Well now.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Janet: I was just wondering if this was kind of abnormal.
Dr. Berman: No.
Oprah: Nothing's abnormal.
Dr. Berman: Nothing's abnormal, and it's a common fantasy. Certainly we know that the most common fantasy for men is two women together.
Oprah: Is it?
Dr. Berman: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. A threesome or watching two women together. Yes. And for women, a big one is watching two men.
Oprah: Look at Dean.
Dr. Berman: Are we right, Dean?
Dean: (Laughter.)
Dr. Berman: Watching two men—
Oprah: Dean goes, "You have five more minutes. I have nothing to say."
Janet: I knew I think it would be a little bit kinky.
Oprah: No.
Dr. Berman: No, she's teasing Dean saying he's fantasizing about two women. You know what, it's not—it's not particularly kinky, and there's certainly a lot of pornography out there of men together geared at the gay community, but also many women find that arousing because they find men arousing and to see the two of them together and those two male bodies together is exciting. And the thing to remember about fantasy, and pornography falls into the realm of fantasy, is that it's just that. You're going to be turned on by things in your fantasy life that in your wildest imaginings would you ever want to do in real life. That's the joy of fantasy. So it doesn't mean if you—if you fantasize as a woman about having sex with another woman, it doesn't mean that you're a lesbian, you know, an if you fantasize about watching two men having sex and you find that arousing, it doesn't say anything necessarily about who you are or about what your real-life sexuality is about and how you want to express that.
Janet: Okay. My husband's totally okay with it by the way too. He kind of laughed it off.
Dr. Berman: That's great.
Oprah: He kind of laughs it off. So do you share your fantasies with your husband? You do?
Janet::I will. And happy birthday to you again.
Oprah: Well, thank you. Thank you, Janet.
Janet::Thank you.
Oprah: Aida is on the phone from Newark. Aida, I think you're going to be our last caller. Go ahead.
Aida: Yes, hi. Hi, Oprah. Dr. Berman, thank you for taking my call.
Oprah: All right.
Aida: Here's my situation. I am 53, I am divorced, but I find that I am—I get horny a lot and I get wet easily. So my question is, is that normal? Is it healthy?
Dr. Berman: Yeah. It's great that you're 53 and that you still, you know, experience lubrication.
Aida: Thank you. Thank you.
Dr. Berman: That's—that's a good sign about your hormone levels and about your sexual function. I don't think there's anything wrong.
Oprah: Where does the word "horny" come from?
Dr. Berman: You know, I think it has to do with an erection and the idea of it being like a goat's horn or a horn on an animal, and so when he had a horn, that he was aroused and had an erection, and then the word "horny" came from that.
Oprah: Oh, okay. I just wanted to know.
Dr. Berman: Yeah. And women have owned it as well even though they don't have a horn, per se, when they—
Aida: Oh.
Oprah: So were you worried about being 53 and horny?
Aida: What was that?
Oprah: Were you worried about it?
Aida: No, no, no. You know, I—I see a friend and we talk about it, and I'm surprised I'm the only one who feels this way.
Dr. Berman: Yeah, that's probably just—
Aida: No one seems to be doing it, and I talk to male friends and—and I tell the, "I'm so in touch with my sexual part of me now. I feel so sexually liberated." And he says, "Wow, that's great."
Oprah: Yeah. Because—
Aida: And the problem is I get wet at the thought.
Oprah: Finally you don't have to worry about getting pregnant.
Dr. Berman: Right.
Aida: That's a good thing.
Dr. Berman: And you've come into your own and you are probably feeling good about your body—
Aida: I do.
Dr. Berman: —and where you are in your life. Embrace it, baby. Have fun.
Aida: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Oprah: Thanks, Aida. So we're almost out of time, and this has been very interesting.
Dr. Berman: You hung in there really well.
Oprah: I really did. And I've done this, you know, every night—this has been a—I have to tell you all. I started on Monday. I'd just come back from Africa. I've said that at the beginning. So I've done—working live shows during the day and then doing this at night and then so—going to leave here, you know, and move on into the inauguration week. So it's been pretty fascinating.
Dr. Berman: Pretty intense.
Oprah: Pretty intense, yeah. Trying to take a nap during the day, and today I didn't take a nap, so—
Dr. Berman: And you got to talk about sex toys tonight.
Oprah: And I got to talk about sex toys. This is the day where I needed a nap, okay? It's literally burning the candle at both ends. So if you saw me in the morning, I've been here all day this week. So Dr. Berman's New York Times best-selling book is called Real Sex for Real Women, and I—really thanks to all of our callers and Skypers, not just for tonight but all of you sexually liberated vibrant women and men calling in tonight, I thank you. But for all week, beginning on Monday with Bob and then Tuesday, Dr. Oz, and then our spiritual counselors on Wednesday and Suze Orman last night, it's just really been great. It's one of my favorite things to do in the world, to be able to reach out to this community of people and offer information that hopefully will lead you to having a better life. So if you want to experience this class again or tell a friend who missed it, this is one to tell a friend about. Our webcast will—yeah, it's called "Watch Oprah squirm"—will be available on demand tomorrow for free here at Oprah.com. You can also download the podcast tomorrow at Oprah.com and iTunes. The difference between this, though, being on the Web, if we were on TV, the lawyers would have been back there screaming the whole time.
Dr. Berman: No, there's no way we would have been able to talk about—
Oprah: You would have been stopped at the Aphrodite, baby.
Dr. Berman: And the love juice.
Oprah: And the love juice wouldn't have made it. And God knows the panties. The whole thing. Okay. The conversation continues right after this webcast. If you are an Oprah Radio subscriber, tune in on XM 156 and Sirius 195. Dr. Berman will be taking more of your calls. She's there, and she will be alone because I'm going to go pack for the inauguration. Thanks, everybody.
Dr. Berman: Yeah.
Oprah: Good night.
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