What Now, My Love? Six Relationship Decisions We've Made for You
4. He's married, but he says he's not happy and it's ending. I should stay away, right?
Run as though you're fleeing a burning house. Which, in fact, you are. "He's already showing you he hasn't put enough distance between himself and his problematic relationship," says Young. "If you get involved, he's going to subject you to all his issues, and you're going to be a wonderful dumping ground."
5. When, if ever, is it a good idea to try again with a guy whose heart you've already broken?
About as often as pigs fly. "Usually, you can't go backward," says Manhattan-based matchmaker Janis Spindel. "It's a case-by-case scenario, but statistics show that it doesn't usually work." The case where it might work: when the failure was unrelated to your attraction or personalities but caused by outside circumstances—say, one of you was going through a family tragedy, or you were transferred to another city. Absent such extenuating circumstances, analyze what went wrong the first time, assume a similar dynamic will arise again, and then determine whether that dynamic is feasible in your current life.
6. I love my partner, but the sex is underwhelming. Stay the course or go?
Neither. Instead, you're going to do the hardest thing you've ever done. "Think about the things that turn you on in the deepest ways, the things that make you feel most loved and cared for," says Page. "What kind of touch? What words? What kind of pacing makes you feel the most affection for your partner? Tell each other, no matter how wild or tame your desires might seem. When the two of you are unafraid to be naughty and vulnerable together, the experience can be amazing." Sex thrives on risk and surrender, and you're probably missing one or both.
Arianne Cohen is a Manhattan-based writer. Her exploration of the world of tall people, The Tall Book (Bloomsbury), will be published in January 2009.
Additional reporting by Brooke Kosofsky Glassberg and Kate Sandoval.
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