Nice Thing #3: "I love you even if I can't do anything about it right now."
Say this after flopping into bed, which comes after putting the kids to bed, which comes after doing the dishes, which comes after making dinner, which comes after reading everybody's homework, which comes after working all day, which comes after the long morning drive into the city, which comes after making breakfast, which comes after waking up at 5 a.m. to do the exercise bike. Say it before you sprint to your separate cars to go to different events at night. Say it during exceptionally long dinners where you're seated very far away from each other.

Why? In all those instances when, due to time or space or exhaustion, the two of you fail to connect, this little sentence prevents all the horrid, typical questions from flitting through either of your minds, like "Has our marriage become just a friendship?" or "What if he is seeing somebody else?" Instead, your partner is left with the thing that he's not always able to see as you blur by or pass out: your feelings.

Nice Thing #4: "Thank you."
If a leprechaun showed up at your door with a bag filled with fresh bread, whole milk and a bunch of bananas, and then proceeded to unpack it all and put it away in your kitchen cupboards, would you really say, "Oh Mr. Leprechaun, how many times have I told you whole wheat, not white"? Or would you really say nothing and keep typing away at your email because you buy groceries all the time? (Why should you turn backflips for a leprechaun just because he decided to restock the pantry this once?)

I suspect neither. In fact, I would guess that you would thank the little guy politely, if not add a hug because he chose the bananas that were on the yellow side, the way you like them, even though he so clearly prefers them—duh—green. The uncomfortable truth is that sometimes we're more gracious with creatures from Irish folklore than with our partners. Which is why when you demonstrate courtesy to yours, you're doing more than thanking him for buying the groceries or for handing you the glass of water, you're recognizing him as a human being.

Nice Thing #5: "I heard what you said about tax rebates, and here is what I did about it."
Feel free to replace tax rebates with sexy lingerie or Giants tickets or the weird sound the AC is making. In any of these cases, the content of your partner's original comment is not important. What's going to make him very pleased is that you listened to what he said. Listening, as we know, is a wonderful thing. It makes people feel seen and understood. But on those rare occasions when you can announce to your partner that you not only heard him but also went ahead and took action about what he said, your partner will be over the moon. Doing is a tangible, irrefutable sign that, regardless of whether you agreed with your partner, you cared about him enough to put some effort into his happiness—even if that action was taking a hammer and breaking the AC into little, silent plastic pieces.

Next: The one thing you can say to make your partner feel accepted


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