6 Small Ways to Help a Lonely Friend

Although almost every human being in history has been lonely, most of us aren't so great at helping someone else through it. Once loneliness abates, amnesia sets in. Having forgotten the intensity of your own experience, there's a tendency to cavalierly offer advice that would have sent them over the edge—"Be more outgoing!" or "Chin up!"—to others still struggling. Here are a few reminders...

Keep It Casual
A lonely person's pity meter is a finely tuned instrument. There is no greater kindness than not extending an overly magnanimous invitation that makes her feel like the town charity case. A small gesture—an offhand invitation to lunch—is often a better antidote.

Check In
Send a text. Leave a voicemail. Make sure she knows she hasn't been forgotten.

Try Not to Cancel
Try not to reschedule plans or cancel at the last minute. Lonely people tend to see social engagements as life buoys in a long week; canceling can leave them feeling unmoored.

Don't Expect a Wingwoman
Dragging your friend to a party might seem like a good idea—she'll get out of the house and meet people—but throwing your friend into a throng of revelers while you catch up with other guests is almost guaranteed to leave her feeling worse than before.

Three's Company
If you're part of a couple, don't let that stop you from inviting your single friend to join the two of you for dinner or a weekend outing. One O editor says that in her post-divorce despair, some of her happiest, least fraught times were with her married friends who just asked her to show up, plop down on the sofa, drink a little wine and stay for dinner.

Help Her Find Her Place of Comfort
Remind your friend that doing things alone—going to a movie, eating out—is hard for a lot of people, especially the first time. You might take her to the coffee shop that gives you a sense of community when you're on your own and volunteer to help find a place in her neighborhood.

This story originally appeared in the June 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.

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