O, The Oprah Magazine
For men, what's the difference between okay sex and great sex?

Well, it is about how the woman looks to the man. It's who he's with that makes the difference...Men do a very, very careful evaluation of physicality...Men look at beauty in terms of genetic loading for fertility and health, although we're not doing it consciously—because men almost never consciously want to have children. So it's things like facial symmetry and glowing skin, signs of good health and the ability to carry a child, that translate to attractiveness for a male. Very primitive stuff.

What about men in their 40s and over, for whom having children is less of an issue?

We still maintain that physical bias throughout life. But when the testosterone levels go down in the 40s, men become more interested in intimacy.

But women shouldn't worry about the actual mechanics. To men, the whole idea of good or better sex is laughable. Sex for us is like pizza, okay? You put anchovies on it, you put pineapple on it—all of it's good. Ultimately, what matters for him is that you're there, and that you'll do whatever particular things he's interested in. Also it matters that you're excited. Women are sometimes so busy worrying about what they can do to make sex great, they forget that what makes it great for the guy is to rock you. Admittedly, part of that great feeling for him is thinking that he's doing something to make you want to have sex with him again.

What about oral sex?

Guys say there's no such thing as a good blow job—just the fact that it's a blow job is good. But they want you to show love to the phallus because it's a reflection of them.

Do some men prefer receiving oral sex to having intercourse?

Yes. There is absolutely no science on this, but my sense from talking to callers on Loveline is that those guys tend to be a little more narcissistic and tend to have been more neglected in childhood. True intimacy requires reciprocity, and these guys are not so into that.

Let's talk about porn, and men with wandering eyes. Should we just get over it?

These male habits are natural, unstoppable instincts. But we're not saying that's the way a man has to—or should—behave. And sometimes the only way he'll change his behavior is if the woman requires it.

Keep Reading: Is it hard for a man to be monogamous?
How hard is it for a man to be monogamous?

Not that difficult. Listen, cheating harms your marriage, your wife, your children, and your family. Does a man need more motivation than that?

When a man is having sex with a woman, what is he likely to be thinking about?

He's like a pilot landing a plane, absolutely completely zeroed in. And what's going through his head is: Oh my God, she's having sex with me.

What are guys insecure about?

Am I good enough? Am I big enough? Am I doing this right? Is she really into it? Men are also confused because women's sexual responses are so extremely varied.

Do guys exchange notes in the locker room?

They talk a little among themselves, but typically a guy will work things out on his own with one relationship and then apply what he learns to everybody else. Then he's bewildered when his technique doesn't work.

Are men threatened by female sexuality?

If a woman comes on to a guy, he could not be happier. Period, end of story. Now, when it's over, he's going to go, "I wonder if she does that with other guys." And that's where he gets threatened.

What's the one thing men don't want women to find out about them, ever?

Most men could not admit this, but it's how much they need women. They don't want you to know that having the power of "yes" or "no" means you hold all the cards.

Okay, switching gears: I'm going to say a word or phrase, and you tell me how much of a turn-on it is for men, from 1 to 10. The first is making a woman orgasm.

That's an absolute 10 for some men and a 3 for others. But on average it's about an 8 or 9. It's important.

A woman talking dirty?

For some guys that's a 10, but the overall rating: about a 4.

A fit body? A woman who works out?

That's an 8.

Next, let's do the same thing with turnoffs: 1 to 10, 10 being the biggest turnoff. A woman who doesn't feel good about her body?

That's up there in the turnoff category: 7 or 8.

Breast implants?

For most guys about a 7, though there are some who are into them.

Request for more intimacy in the relationship?

Say that again?

How can a woman—

Intimacy, sex, huh? I'm responding like a typical male.

Yeah, right. And you're not exactly in your 20s. I just have one more question. How do you like your pizza?

A good thick sauce, occasionally some mushrooms, and regular crust—emphasis on the regular.

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