Nothing can make your trip through Heartbreak Academy easy or painless. Grieving will always hurt, but it is not mindless torture. It's more like panning for gold. Recurrent floods of sadness and anger gradually wash away the rubble of the defunct relationship, leaving only the bits of treasure: the remembered moments of real communion, a new understanding of your own mistakes, a clear picture of the dysfunctions you will never tolerate again.
Letting these precious things emerge naturally means that you will retain the real love you've received, even as you let go of your former lover. And realizing that you hold the keys to your own healing will keep sadness from becoming despair and help you master the lessons a broken heart can teach. It means the relationships you create after that will be more trustworthy, the unavoidable losses less devastating.
"The world breaks everyone," Hemingway once wrote, "and afterward many are strong at the broken places." A broken heart is simply a heart that has a chance to become stronger. It's a heart that is more self-sufficient, more open to the truth, and more capable of lasting love.
Martha Beck is the author of Finding Your Own North Star (Three Rivers) and Expecting Adam (Berkley)