Someday soon, every American will be on trial for something, or working on an appeal to get out of jail or prison, or suing someone in some grievance or another, or being sued themselves. When the lawyers in Congress passed the Patriot Act (which is where you act like you are patriotic), they succeeded in completely remaking the law, so that every American now has the right to be assumed guilty until proven innocent beyond a shadow of a doubt.

What a smart bunch lawyers are! Now they have ensured their own survival for decades to come. Who would have thought that you would one day need a lawyer in order to defend yourself against the very laws that were designed to protect your inalienable rights? Nancy never seems to mention this fact, though. I guess she feels it is not as important a legal point as whether or not Lee Anthony is the father of his sister's murdered baby.

Yes, this is the perfect time for a fifty-two-year-old mother of two-year-old test-tube twins with gargoylelike eyes and pursed lips to rise up on behalf of the aging female demographic that views cable news shows and buys the products sold on cable TV—Snuggies, mood-altering drugs, and Nutrisystem diets.

Excerpted from Roseannearchy: Dispatches from the Nut Farm by Roseanne Barr, Copyright © 2011 by Full Moon & High Tide Productions, Inc. Excerpted by permission of Gallery Books, a division of Simon & Schuster. All rights reserved.


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