In His Own Words - Male Survivors Speak Out
Men who say they were sexually abused as children reveal why they're coming forward.
John
Age: 45
Age when first abused: 11
"I just want to let the kids who are out there who are suffering [know] there is help out there. Don't do what I did—don't tell anybody. You're going to live with that for the rest of your life. That's the biggest thing that I regret, not saying a word to anyone. If there's anybody out there, I don't care if it's a male, I don't care if it's a female. If you are being sexually abused, please tell somebody—a counselor, teacher, parents, police. There are people out there who will help you. For me, I didn't do that, and I don't know how many more people my abuser took advantage of, but that is a guilt that I live with every day."
Age: 45
Age when first abused: 11
"I just want to let the kids who are out there who are suffering [know] there is help out there. Don't do what I did—don't tell anybody. You're going to live with that for the rest of your life. That's the biggest thing that I regret, not saying a word to anyone. If there's anybody out there, I don't care if it's a male, I don't care if it's a female. If you are being sexually abused, please tell somebody—a counselor, teacher, parents, police. There are people out there who will help you. For me, I didn't do that, and I don't know how many more people my abuser took advantage of, but that is a guilt that I live with every day."
Loren
Age: 46
Age when first abused: 7
"The reason I came forth is because I have daughters. It would hurt me to know that they would be involved with a man who was carrying a secret like I was. I know that it has nothing to do with their hurt. It's a generational curse. Unless they have the courage, like hopefully I have now, unless they have the courage to say: 'Hey, listen. I've been hurt. I've been taken advantage of.' There's no way they can be whole. Once they're able to do that, they can save a bloodline.
I'm hoping that, by doing this, I can save somebody's daughter from having a lot of pain with dealing with a man, and [for] me, saving my own daughters dealing with their pain and their angst about it."
Age: 46
Age when first abused: 7
"The reason I came forth is because I have daughters. It would hurt me to know that they would be involved with a man who was carrying a secret like I was. I know that it has nothing to do with their hurt. It's a generational curse. Unless they have the courage, like hopefully I have now, unless they have the courage to say: 'Hey, listen. I've been hurt. I've been taken advantage of.' There's no way they can be whole. Once they're able to do that, they can save a bloodline.
I'm hoping that, by doing this, I can save somebody's daughter from having a lot of pain with dealing with a man, and [for] me, saving my own daughters dealing with their pain and their angst about it."
Darwin
Age: 41
Age when first abused: 11
"I hope to just communicate to people to ask the hard questions of their children. Because, many times, we're looking east and the perpetrator is west. Or we're looking north and the perpetrator is south. I think 90 percent of the kids that this happens to personally know the perpetrator. We're looking on America's Most Wanted, and we're looking for some derelict to walk up to our kids and offer them candy. But just such a great deal of people are experiencing this—a great deal of children are experiencing this—under their own roof. The perpetrators live with you, many times—brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, uncles and aunts.
I just hope that this show can open the eyes and just break the silence in so many communities where it's not talked about."
Age: 41
Age when first abused: 11
"I hope to just communicate to people to ask the hard questions of their children. Because, many times, we're looking east and the perpetrator is west. Or we're looking north and the perpetrator is south. I think 90 percent of the kids that this happens to personally know the perpetrator. We're looking on America's Most Wanted, and we're looking for some derelict to walk up to our kids and offer them candy. But just such a great deal of people are experiencing this—a great deal of children are experiencing this—under their own roof. The perpetrators live with you, many times—brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, uncles and aunts.
I just hope that this show can open the eyes and just break the silence in so many communities where it's not talked about."
Rhett
Age: 42
Age when first abused: 12
"The purpose of me telling my story is that I believe that we teach what we accept. As long as nobody is talking about child sexual abuse, particularly as it relates to men, then we are sending out a message that it's okay or that it shouldn't be spoken of.
I know that because of the statistics: Roughly one in six boys are abused, and that's based upon reported [cases]. ... The thought of another man that's suffering not knowing what direction, not knowing what to do or where to go, it yanks at my heart. I explain to people all the time: I grew up pretty much on the set of Leave It to Beaver. My mom and dad were there. I had an active father who was a role model. It still happened to me. If somebody thinks that it can't happen to their child because they're doing this or they're doing that, it can happen."
Age: 42
Age when first abused: 12
"The purpose of me telling my story is that I believe that we teach what we accept. As long as nobody is talking about child sexual abuse, particularly as it relates to men, then we are sending out a message that it's okay or that it shouldn't be spoken of.
I know that because of the statistics: Roughly one in six boys are abused, and that's based upon reported [cases]. ... The thought of another man that's suffering not knowing what direction, not knowing what to do or where to go, it yanks at my heart. I explain to people all the time: I grew up pretty much on the set of Leave It to Beaver. My mom and dad were there. I had an active father who was a role model. It still happened to me. If somebody thinks that it can't happen to their child because they're doing this or they're doing that, it can happen."
Rich
Age: 48
Age when first abused: 10
"I want the men to know—and even women—that sexual abuse is nothing to be ashamed of. There's no shame in it. The shame is on society that it continues to go on.
"I want men to know, or people in general to know, that you can heal from this. It is possible to get your life back. It is possible to get your soul back. You know, it's possible. There are a lot of guys that are doing well. When I first went to therapy, I thought I was the only one that was ever sexually abused. I couldn't believe when my therapist told me, 'No, Rich, this has happened to other boys and men are struggling with this.' I couldn't believe it—I thought I was the only one. I said, 'How could this happen to another human being?'
"Knowing that there are others out there; it's bittersweet. It helps a little bit. But there's more of a network, and I think this country is going to be able to one day resolve this matter with speaking out and breaking the silence.
"I'm here today to break the silence. I was thinking: 'What can I say? What can I do?' One of the reasons why I think I'm actually here is because I didn't turn that guy in. He was there another 16 years doing it. I wasn't strong enough to stop him.
"But now, I'm going be strong enough to try and end this. That's my role here today: to try and stop childhood sexual abuse. To end it and not worry about those babies who are going to be born two days from now that that's going to happen to them. Or when I'm 70 years old and I'm bouncing my grandchild on my leg that we don't have to watch a program like this. That's what I'm doing now."
Age: 48
Age when first abused: 10
"I want the men to know—and even women—that sexual abuse is nothing to be ashamed of. There's no shame in it. The shame is on society that it continues to go on.
"I want men to know, or people in general to know, that you can heal from this. It is possible to get your life back. It is possible to get your soul back. You know, it's possible. There are a lot of guys that are doing well. When I first went to therapy, I thought I was the only one that was ever sexually abused. I couldn't believe when my therapist told me, 'No, Rich, this has happened to other boys and men are struggling with this.' I couldn't believe it—I thought I was the only one. I said, 'How could this happen to another human being?'
"Knowing that there are others out there; it's bittersweet. It helps a little bit. But there's more of a network, and I think this country is going to be able to one day resolve this matter with speaking out and breaking the silence.
"I'm here today to break the silence. I was thinking: 'What can I say? What can I do?' One of the reasons why I think I'm actually here is because I didn't turn that guy in. He was there another 16 years doing it. I wasn't strong enough to stop him.
"But now, I'm going be strong enough to try and end this. That's my role here today: to try and stop childhood sexual abuse. To end it and not worry about those babies who are going to be born two days from now that that's going to happen to them. Or when I'm 70 years old and I'm bouncing my grandchild on my leg that we don't have to watch a program like this. That's what I'm doing now."
Brian
Age: 44
Age when first abused: 7
"I want to raise awareness. I don't think we do enough. We need to get past stereotypes and stigmas because that's what's killing our kids. That's what's hurting our kids. ... If we don't raise awareness and if we're always thinking it's about your daughters—I'm sorry, it's about your sons, as well. It's not just the piano teacher or the teacher at school. It could be the football coach. It could be the soccer coach."
Age: 44
Age when first abused: 7
"I want to raise awareness. I don't think we do enough. We need to get past stereotypes and stigmas because that's what's killing our kids. That's what's hurting our kids. ... If we don't raise awareness and if we're always thinking it's about your daughters—I'm sorry, it's about your sons, as well. It's not just the piano teacher or the teacher at school. It could be the football coach. It could be the soccer coach."
John
Age: 50
Age when first abused: 6
"I want you to know that abuse is not a life sentence. You can heal from it. You can move on from it."
Age: 50
Age when first abused: 6
"I want you to know that abuse is not a life sentence. You can heal from it. You can move on from it."
Ray
Age: 39
Age when first abused: 7
"I hope from this show that the world will understand the long-standing effects of sexual abuse. I want those who have been abused and who are living in darkness and sadness and shame to find a way out, to no longer have to live in that space. I want us all to be free."
Age: 39
Age when first abused: 7
"I hope from this show that the world will understand the long-standing effects of sexual abuse. I want those who have been abused and who are living in darkness and sadness and shame to find a way out, to no longer have to live in that space. I want us all to be free."
Allan
Age: 51
Age when first abused: 9
"People absolutely don't get how you can not 'just get over it' or 'just move on.' It has to do with psychological trauma and the brain. It's well-understood professionally, it can be explained, but that's hard for people to accept."
Age: 51
Age when first abused: 9
"People absolutely don't get how you can not 'just get over it' or 'just move on.' It has to do with psychological trauma and the brain. It's well-understood professionally, it can be explained, but that's hard for people to accept."
Art
Age: 51
Age when first abused: 6
"Your life can change forever if you find the resources to let you know you're not alone. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is present in so many abuse victims. They see the symptoms—alcoholism, sex addiction, drug addiction, obesity, gambling, pornography—those numb the psychic pain. When you look beneath those addictions is PTSD, and it requires therapy to get over all of these issues.
"I want to bring hope and therapies to the world. Anyone—even a homeless person—can get to a library or a computer. I just think not everything has to be at an expensive detox center or a wealthy therapist office. I learned how to network, find resources and share those with others. That's the greatest gift we can give is to share resources. Most men are shut off from their emotions, and they need to find a way to deal with it to move on."
Age: 51
Age when first abused: 6
"Your life can change forever if you find the resources to let you know you're not alone. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is present in so many abuse victims. They see the symptoms—alcoholism, sex addiction, drug addiction, obesity, gambling, pornography—those numb the psychic pain. When you look beneath those addictions is PTSD, and it requires therapy to get over all of these issues.
"I want to bring hope and therapies to the world. Anyone—even a homeless person—can get to a library or a computer. I just think not everything has to be at an expensive detox center or a wealthy therapist office. I learned how to network, find resources and share those with others. That's the greatest gift we can give is to share resources. Most men are shut off from their emotions, and they need to find a way to deal with it to move on."
Chris
Age: 58
Age when first abused: 15
"Last October [2009], I did a recovery weekend that helped me understand I was not alone and there were people I could turn to, to share my story and the trauma, and they would understand. That experience helped me come to terms with the shame and hurt I had been dealing with for most of my life.
"I recently had an advanced weekend of recovery with them, and it was an extraordinary three days. This show is an opportunity for me to share my story and also to let others know they don't have to be alone in a bubble of shame. There are people they can talk with and be understood."
Age: 58
Age when first abused: 15
"Last October [2009], I did a recovery weekend that helped me understand I was not alone and there were people I could turn to, to share my story and the trauma, and they would understand. That experience helped me come to terms with the shame and hurt I had been dealing with for most of my life.
"I recently had an advanced weekend of recovery with them, and it was an extraordinary three days. This show is an opportunity for me to share my story and also to let others know they don't have to be alone in a bubble of shame. There are people they can talk with and be understood."
Curtis
Age: 42
Age when first abused: 10
"Boys abused by females suffer the same issues those abused by males do; however, the media calls them 'lucky.' You wouldn't see a girl raped by a man called lucky."
Age: 42
Age when first abused: 10
"Boys abused by females suffer the same issues those abused by males do; however, the media calls them 'lucky.' You wouldn't see a girl raped by a man called lucky."
Gabe
Age: 56
Age when first abused: 4
"I think boys and men all over the world need to know that they are not alone when it comes to this issue. I came out about it because I wanted to have meaningful and loving relationships, and it can be done, one day at a time. It is a sensitive subject to talk about. In fact, my stomach is a little queasy at the moment. I still get emotional when I talk about it, but I believe it's part of the healing process."
Age: 56
Age when first abused: 4
"I think boys and men all over the world need to know that they are not alone when it comes to this issue. I came out about it because I wanted to have meaningful and loving relationships, and it can be done, one day at a time. It is a sensitive subject to talk about. In fact, my stomach is a little queasy at the moment. I still get emotional when I talk about it, but I believe it's part of the healing process."
Ray
Age: 26
Age when first abused: 7
"I would like to get the dialogue started [so] men can reach out for help before it is too late. The abuse and the violence has to stop, and we can't begin the process of fighting against it unless we stop hiding behind the fact that men can also be affected."
Age: 26
Age when first abused: 7
"I would like to get the dialogue started [so] men can reach out for help before it is too late. The abuse and the violence has to stop, and we can't begin the process of fighting against it unless we stop hiding behind the fact that men can also be affected."
Terrence
Age: 53
Age when first abused: Infancy
"My hope is this show will bring to light the frequency of this type of abuse. I also hope it illuminates the struggles men have with recovery, both their internal struggles and the external ones, which include a lack of resources and a public that is—to some extent—still in denial regarding this topic."
Age: 53
Age when first abused: Infancy
"My hope is this show will bring to light the frequency of this type of abuse. I also hope it illuminates the struggles men have with recovery, both their internal struggles and the external ones, which include a lack of resources and a public that is—to some extent—still in denial regarding this topic."
Tom
Age: 49
Age when first abused: 13
"A lot of media related to male childhood sexual abuse is tragic. Thus, survivors seem to be associated with this 'shadow' audience. This show presents a sort of alchemy; instead of being audience TV members, your viewers will bear witness to a very good thing that sends light to chase off the shadows. The men involved will always know they helped make it so."
Age: 49
Age when first abused: 13
"A lot of media related to male childhood sexual abuse is tragic. Thus, survivors seem to be associated with this 'shadow' audience. This show presents a sort of alchemy; instead of being audience TV members, your viewers will bear witness to a very good thing that sends light to chase off the shadows. The men involved will always know they helped make it so."
David
Age: 64
Age when first abused: 15
"We are not a bunch of misfits. We were normal people that happened to be taken advantage of in the worse sort of way. We did nothing wrong. To let other victims know they are not alone. When they are ready, there is help for them. This is a crime that thrives in secrecy. The more we shed light on it, the more we win and defeat them."
Age: 64
Age when first abused: 15
"We are not a bunch of misfits. We were normal people that happened to be taken advantage of in the worse sort of way. We did nothing wrong. To let other victims know they are not alone. When they are ready, there is help for them. This is a crime that thrives in secrecy. The more we shed light on it, the more we win and defeat them."
Jason
Age: 29
Age when first abused: 3 years old
"Your body belongs to you. It is not to be owned or used by anyone without your consent. You do have a right to tell an abuser no, and in seeking help, it doesn't make you a weaker person, but a stronger one for standing up for yourself. I feel that the one thing that is taken from an abused child is their sense of self-worth/self-esteem, and that is something that is hard to regain when it's taken at such a young age. To prevent it from happening in the first place is the biggest obstacle but one worth speaking out about."
Age: 29
Age when first abused: 3 years old
"Your body belongs to you. It is not to be owned or used by anyone without your consent. You do have a right to tell an abuser no, and in seeking help, it doesn't make you a weaker person, but a stronger one for standing up for yourself. I feel that the one thing that is taken from an abused child is their sense of self-worth/self-esteem, and that is something that is hard to regain when it's taken at such a young age. To prevent it from happening in the first place is the biggest obstacle but one worth speaking out about."
Dave
Age: 48 years old
Age when first abused: 12 years old
"It is okay to talk about it and, at the same time, there are lots of resources and places you can go to talk about it. But in another sense, I want people to know it is okay to be broken, and they don't have to be completely fixed. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars to try and fix this, but it is still there, so I have learned that acceptance is the answer to my problems. This PTSD is part of my makeup, and there is no way of unraveling it—it just is. My brain got rewired that day, and I have learned that it is okay to be broken. I am an adult, and I can make choices and I can choose happiness."
Age: 48 years old
Age when first abused: 12 years old
"It is okay to talk about it and, at the same time, there are lots of resources and places you can go to talk about it. But in another sense, I want people to know it is okay to be broken, and they don't have to be completely fixed. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars to try and fix this, but it is still there, so I have learned that acceptance is the answer to my problems. This PTSD is part of my makeup, and there is no way of unraveling it—it just is. My brain got rewired that day, and I have learned that it is okay to be broken. I am an adult, and I can make choices and I can choose happiness."
Alexander
Age: 41
Age when first abused: 3
"African-American men in our society who have been molested don't talk about it, nor do they seek help. I want them to know that 'brothas' can heal from this issue. It seems, in the black community, talking about a black man that has been molested or raped by another black man is taboo. It is a threat to their manhood and masculinity. I know a ton of brothers that come to me to discuss their story because their own molestation still affects them to this day. I want the brothas to know that their story is worthy of telling.
"Get help regardless of race, creed or orientation. If you have been through any traumatic experience, seek professional help. Go to a counselor, seek spiritual guidance, but don't live in silence and suffer as I have. I had nobody to help me find help. I just did it willy-nilly and took upon myself to find help. Don't allow all of your power to be taken away from you because of fear. Don't live alone and lonely all your life because of mental and emotional trauma. Take back your life by stepping up, standing strong and saying to the world, 'I will not allow this to defeat me.' I think Maya Angelou put it best: 'And still I rise.'"
Age: 41
Age when first abused: 3
"African-American men in our society who have been molested don't talk about it, nor do they seek help. I want them to know that 'brothas' can heal from this issue. It seems, in the black community, talking about a black man that has been molested or raped by another black man is taboo. It is a threat to their manhood and masculinity. I know a ton of brothers that come to me to discuss their story because their own molestation still affects them to this day. I want the brothas to know that their story is worthy of telling.
"Get help regardless of race, creed or orientation. If you have been through any traumatic experience, seek professional help. Go to a counselor, seek spiritual guidance, but don't live in silence and suffer as I have. I had nobody to help me find help. I just did it willy-nilly and took upon myself to find help. Don't allow all of your power to be taken away from you because of fear. Don't live alone and lonely all your life because of mental and emotional trauma. Take back your life by stepping up, standing strong and saying to the world, 'I will not allow this to defeat me.' I think Maya Angelou put it best: 'And still I rise.'"
Brian
Age: 53
Age when first abused: 12
"The wounds, the scars and the trauma are not visible to the human eye but are life-changing, and everlasting, life-molding and are something we are forced to deal with every day of our lives. We did not ask for this to happen to us, and we didn't wait in line. We long and would love to be the person we dreamed we could have become for ourselves, our families and the world.
"We ask for your understanding of what we went through, as it has molded us to what we may have become. We have to deal with the repercussions of low self-esteem, we are vulnerable, we are wounded and we may be slow to trust.
"But, at the same time, there are hundreds of men in the audience that represent thousands of men across borders that want to love, we want to be loved, we want to be understood and we want to belong. We may not be the quickest to trust, but if and when we are embraced, we can be the strongest of friends and some of the most caring individuals you will find on earth."
Age: 53
Age when first abused: 12
"The wounds, the scars and the trauma are not visible to the human eye but are life-changing, and everlasting, life-molding and are something we are forced to deal with every day of our lives. We did not ask for this to happen to us, and we didn't wait in line. We long and would love to be the person we dreamed we could have become for ourselves, our families and the world.
"We ask for your understanding of what we went through, as it has molded us to what we may have become. We have to deal with the repercussions of low self-esteem, we are vulnerable, we are wounded and we may be slow to trust.
"But, at the same time, there are hundreds of men in the audience that represent thousands of men across borders that want to love, we want to be loved, we want to be understood and we want to belong. We may not be the quickest to trust, but if and when we are embraced, we can be the strongest of friends and some of the most caring individuals you will find on earth."
Hank
Age: 54
Age when first abused: 4
"My hope for the show is that each and every survivor of sexual abuse breaks their silence regarding their terrible secret. Not doing so simply empowers his perpetrator to continue assaulting new victims. The 200 male survivors at the show have each confronted and overcome our fears and shame of concealing our most intimate wounds. For each of us with personal conviction to stand up, to speak out and, most importantly, to identify who molested us remains a critical first step to stopping further abuses.
"Survivors need to recognize that we were not our perpetrators first or last victim—there were, more than likely, others. Now, with conviction, we have to be courageous in alerting and assisting those who may be in danger of further assaults by our molesters."
More from the show
Watch 200 men come forward to say they were all molested
Age: 54
Age when first abused: 4
"My hope for the show is that each and every survivor of sexual abuse breaks their silence regarding their terrible secret. Not doing so simply empowers his perpetrator to continue assaulting new victims. The 200 male survivors at the show have each confronted and overcome our fears and shame of concealing our most intimate wounds. For each of us with personal conviction to stand up, to speak out and, most importantly, to identify who molested us remains a critical first step to stopping further abuses.
"Survivors need to recognize that we were not our perpetrators first or last victim—there were, more than likely, others. Now, with conviction, we have to be courageous in alerting and assisting those who may be in danger of further assaults by our molesters."
More from the show
Watch 200 men come forward to say they were all molested
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