Greg Behrendt freely admits that he was a jerk to women in his former life. But when he met his wife he stepped up to the plate, because she raised the bar and demanded that he become a better man. As a brother, a friend and a reformed jerk, Greg has had plenty of experience shedding light onto guys' behavior for women, but a lunchtime conversation while he was writing for HBO's Sex and the City sparked the idea behind He's Just Not That Into You.
A female co-worker asked Greg why he thought a guy who didn't want to come up to her place after a date would e-mail her two days later. "I just said, 'I don't want to do this. I feel odd about it. But he's just not that into you,'" Greg recalls. "And then sparks flew! All of a sudden the stories were flying. Everybody had a story. Everybody wanted to know."
So, we asked Greg to tell women the absolute "in your face" truth about their dating dilemmas and everyone agreed to hear it.
Joy tells Greg her story: "I've been dating this guy almost a year. We have these amazing nights together. We have great conversation. Oh, my God, and like the best sex I've ever had. Then I get these times when I don't hear from him for three weeks and then I get a little text message: 'Hey, miss you.' I mean, a text message? He's got a really important job in the music industry, so I understand he's always working. When we're together, he makes me feel so beautiful. There's no faking this. It's so real. So, Greg, if we're so amazing together when we are together, why doesn't he want that all the time?"
Greg says, "You're a beautiful person that deserves to be with somebody every day. My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day. You know what I mean? You can spend time with somebody. You can dig them. But if you're not spending time with them all the time—they're not into you."
Jennifer says she's ready to marry her boyfriend of four years, but he says he's not ready for that level of commitment, because there are things he wants to do before he walks down the aisle. "He wants to buy a house, he wants to do good at work—he's even talked about climbing Mount Everest!" says Jennifer. "During the week, we're both busy working and during the weekends our time is just limited. When we are together I just feel like I'm on the clock. I sometimes don't feel like a priority, because I want to spend more time and he says he's just too busy. I ask him, 'Are we going to get married? When are you going to know? When are you going to be ready?' And he just doesn't give me answers. He says I ask too many questions. So, Greg, what should I do? Do you think he's going to come around after four years of dating me? Or am I just wasting my time? Am I the one not being patient?"
According to Greg, "too busy to commit" means: "'I'm not committing now.' It means 'I'm not ready.' It just means, 'I'm not into you.' Here's the thing: He has big plans, clearly, he wants to climb Mount Everest—the big plans just aren't with you. They're all about a mountain. You want to get married. That's what you want to do. He should be psyched about that. There's nothing wrong with him not wanting to be married, but you have to be cool with that. But if [marriage is] what you want, then you have to cut the chase. He'll come find you. You need to be priority one. You've got to be priority one."
Kimber's not sure if her running buddy wants to be more than friends or not.
Kimber: I meet this guy. Now we've become running buddies. We run every Sunday at the lake. I even go to church with him. I feel like he gives me hints that he's interested. He calls me…he e-mails me. He even goes far enough to say, 'What are you doing this weekend?' But if I reply, he just says, 'Cool.' But he never asks me out. So, here's my question: Is he into me or not?
Greg: This may sound complicated, but if a guy isn't asking you out, he's not that into you. What you have, I think in this situation, is a friend. It's odd that he calls up and asks you what you're doing and says cool. He's making sure you're going to have a good weekend without him. And, clearly, you're a person who should be asked out. You're pretty. You're smart. You're an athlete. You're all kinds of great things. One of the things that happens, I think, when you're in a headspace about somebody else, you're literally not available.
Kimber: He calls a lot and e-mails a lot during the week so I…
Greg: You know what? My friend Mark calls me a lot and asks me how I am. And when I tell him I'm good, he says, 'Cool." And we're friends.
Denise and Chris met two and a half years ago and seemed to have the same perfect vision of their future together. They moved in together and talked about marriage and having kids. But after six months, Chris told Denise, "I love you, but I have to break up with you." Three days later, he said he wanted to get back together. Then, two weeks after that he said, "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm in love with you." Chris isn't sure there's enough "fireworks" in their relationship and Denise doesn't know how to read his mixed messages.
Greg says a guy's not into you if you're waiting for him to commit. "If he's unsure, then he's unsure, and that's an answer—unsure is 'no,'" says Greg. "The phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' really is this. The first 'I love you' means, 'I don't want to hurt you.' The second one means, 'I'm not in love with you.' That's bad news. 'I'm not in love with you' is 'I'm not in love with you.' Like, you have to sort of take people at their word, especially when they're telling you. [Chris] is doing his thing. He's telling you who he is. You have to decide if you're okay with that. If you are, awesome. If not, you have to do what's best for Denise."
We asked a group of young men to give us their version of the absolute, honest dating truth.
Derrick: There are some women in Chicago that think I actually have a twin. I'm not proud of it, but that's the situation, where I just wouldn't have the guts enough to tell her up front that I didn't want to see her anymore, so I pretended I left town.
Justin: The lamest excuse I ever had was, I ran into a girl in a bar and she goes, "Oh, my God, Justin. Why didn't you ever call me?" I said, "Oh, I dropped my phone in the toilet and I lost all my phone numbers for the past month. It's been driving me crazy!" But she totally believed it because it's just so elaborate.
Lenny: The job is an excellent vehicle for excuses. "I'm working late. I'm working on an intense project. The boss is really on me this week and I know I'm going to be out of town," when you're really sitting at home watching cartoons.
Jason: If I'm making excuses not to have sex with you, I'm not into you.
Oprah: I would just like to know, though, why is the truth so hard?
Justin: I think the bottom line is, you know, we fear hurting a girl's feelings so we'll do anything except say the truth.
A former writer for Sex and the City, Liz Tuccillo co-wrote He's Just Not That Into You. At 41 years old, she admits that for years she's been making excuses for men. After she took Greg's phrase to heart, Liz says she broke years of bad dating habits.
"I no longer wait by the phone," she says. "I no longer call my friends and say, 'Well, what do you think he meant?'…it's all gone. There's none of that anymore."
Liz says there's no pain equal to the pain of longing for somebody that's not into you.
"You can talk about how sad it is for you to like somebody that doesn't like you and that's sad," she says. "But there's nothing like the torture of waiting and hoping and longing and making excuses and dragging it out. I mean, that's the suffering of dating. If you take [out] all of the waiting and hoping and longing, all you're left with—at worst—is, 'I like him. He doesn't like me. Oh, that's sad.' And then it's over. But the other stuff will drive you crazy."
Rashaun reveals his secret male dating practices, saying guys actually put a lot of thought into planning their weekends.
"I mean, we want to spend our time preferably with our 'Tier 1' group of women," he says. "So I'm going to call 'Tier 1' women on a Monday or Tuesday to try to setup plans. 'Tier 2' will get called on Thursday. 'Tier 3' will get called Friday, before I'm going to the club, as I'm getting dressed, just to see what they're doing. And 'Tier 4' women will get called as I'm leaving the club, already had drinks, ready to go home. You know, a 'Tier 4' woman is a booty call."
Rashaun even has categories set up on his cell phone! The "dream team" consists of the women that he wants to be with. "Whenever they call, I'm taking their call," he says. After the dream team, he has the "associates" category. "And if you call from the "unfiled" category, I might not answer, and the reason is because I'm probably just not that into you."
"Hopefully my innermost confessions will help the ladies everywhere find the guy who really is that into them," Rashaun says.
Lauren explains to Greg that she went on the greatest date of her life, but this great date was eight months ago. "Since then I've only heard from him via e-mail and text messages," she explains. "Why would he take the time to text and not just call? The thing is when he does e-mail me or text message me, he always compliments me…Why does he say these wonderful things to me if he just wants to be my friend? Is he into me or not?"
"He's not even calling you," Greg explains. "He doesn't even want to hear your pretty voice. Listen, this is really harsh: He's just sort of keeping you at bay. He's not giving you full-blown attention. You're going for crumbs—he's not even giving you crumbs! Why would you waste your time, you know what I mean? It was
eight months ago . That's a long time. Here's all that time that you're tied up in this thing and you're not available for the dude that is out there and is going to find you and just want to rock to you all the time."
See what happens when Lauren and her great date reconnect face-to-face!
For the last seven years, Lauri's best friend has always wanted to take their relationship to the next level. She's always rejected him but one night sparks flew and Lauri had the most passionate night of her life.
"So I'm thinking this is the one," says Lauri. "And you know what he says? 'If I lived in the same state as you, there's not a doubt in my mind we would be dating. I know you're the perfect girl. I want to marry you one day but I don't think we should date. But will you come visit me and help me decorate my house?'"
Lauri says she's confused. In the past, he's wooed her with roses and complimented her all the time. She wants to know, Is he into her or not?
According to Greg, "I see myself marrying you" and "I'm going to marry you" are two different things. "That's him buying some time because he doesn't know what his feelings are," Greg says. "You need to be clear about what you want and what you need and then say, 'Seeing me married to you in the future is great. If you want to make that happen, make it happen.'"
The Apprentice winner and bachelor Bill Rancic has some examples of how a woman can tell when a guy really is into her.
"It's a good sign when a guy is willing to kiss you in public and show affection to you in public," Bill says. "Or, he'll take you to high profile places. If he's taking you to the busiest steak house, you know, in the city, that's a pretty good sign."
Bill says the oldest excuse in the book is: "I'm too busy."
"Let me tell you, Oprah, no one is busier than I am," Bill says. "I go between Chicago and New York each week. And when I'm really into a girl, I'm willing to put 'The Donald' on hold to take her call."
Bill Rancic's new book is called You're Hired.
