Excerpt from Killing Willis
"You know, Johnnie," I said, "I'm ready to stop. I just need to know how."
"Well, you need to figure out how to do it," he said.
That was the problem. I didn't even know how to start.
I was bailed out of jail a few hours later. I went home, and even though I had the desire to turn my life around, I couldn't. I started getting high again right away, and not only on marijuana either. I was back on meth and crack. Like I had told Johnnie: I didn't know how to stop. I stayed high for the next few months, until I had to go back to court. I probably would have felt bad about letting Johnnie down, and about letting myself down, and about letting my mother and everyone else in my life down. But when I was high, I didn't feel anything. That was the whole point.
Finally, I went to court in Pasadena. My mom was there, sitting next to this old guy I had never seen before. I looked at the judge's bench, and I saw this circle with a triangle in it. I knew it was from AA, and I knew that it meant unity, strength, and hope. I was looking at it as the judge was talking to me and thinking about how I'd never been able to stay sober for longer than a few months at a time.
"I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Mr. Bridges," he said. "Two things can happen. I'll either send you to jail tonight, or you can go to rehab tonight. What do you want to do?"