Once you've discovered how to please yourself, it's time to start thinking about how others can please you, in particular, your soul mate. Remember, don't think of him as the prize for which you're competing against hundreds of other women. YOU are the prize, and HE needs to please you just as much as you need to please him. So what type of man will it take to win your affection and devotion? What is your type? What do you value in a partner? I have a method of discovering this that is really fun and happens to involve the only date you get to have during Dating Detox—a date with yourself.

Don't be disappointed—no one knows you better, is more supportive, or wants you to succeed more than your own sweet self. And besides, this is the part where you get to really treat yourself. Go to your favorite market or restaurant and order the food you love most. (Incidentally, the food you love most will not be bad for you or make you fat, right?) Me? I'd go to the Whole Foods food bar, rush past the cr??me br??l??e French toast (even though I love it), and load up on all my organic, free-range favorites—chicken, salad, etc. If you're a wine drinker, get a bottle of your favorite, and promise yourself that you'll drink just one glass with dinner and maybe half a glass during this next exercise.

After you've treated yourself to that delicious meal, get comfortable and relax. Tonight you'll begin to get your mind in sync with what you truly desire. You are going to create a picture of your perfect mate in your mind. After all, how will you ever recognize him if you don't know what he's like?

A fun and provocative way to get started with this is to take fifteen minutes to make a list of your most recent boyfriends, not listing more than five. Write down their top five assets—the things that really attracted you to them in the first place and made you stay with them as long as you did. Then list their five worst traits—the things that drove you crazy, that made you break up with them, or want to punch them, or kill them, or both. Don't get bogged down on this, though—remember, we're not dwelling on the past, and we're not dwelling on the negative. Fifteen minutes should be plenty for this part of the exercise.

Now, I don't care if you're eighteen or eighty, there must be someone you've met along the way with whom you really would have liked to have had a relationship, if the circumstances had been right. Do you admire a friend's husband or boyfriend? List five reasons you'd like to be with a guy like that, and five reasons why you wouldn't. Or if the men around you are particularly uninspiring, tap Hollywood. God knows I go there in my mind every now and then for inspiration. My apologies to my wonderful boyfriend, but I've used Viggo Mortensen more than once for a number of different types of inspiration.

Become Your Own Matchmaker by Patti Stanger. Published by Atria Books. ?? 2009


Next Story