Read an Excerpt of Become Your Own Matchmaker
If you think you're beyond that, let me ask you this: how would you feel about sleeping with a three-hundred-fifty pound mound of masculine flubber? One of the girls in my club tried it once. She'd spoken to a particular guy numerous times on the phone and thought he was terrific. He showed up at her door wearing an impeccably tailored suit (and probably a man girdle), and although he did look quite large, she thought she could overlook it—he was just so damn nice and funny. He fell head over heels in love with her in the first five minutes; after all, she was hot—about an 8 on a scale of 1–10. He proposed to her on the fifth date, ring and all. While she gently told him she thought it was a little too soon for an engagement, she decided the time was right to sleep with him and test out their physical chemistry. She knew it was going to be dicey, so while he was in the bathroom, she conjured up visions of Colin Farrell from that excruciatingly sexy video that was circulating on the internet a few years back.
Once she opened her eyes and beheld her date naked, however, that vision popped like an overinflated balloon, and so did their relationship. It was obvious the poor guy had once weighed as much as five hundred pounds, and while he was still making an effort to lose more, he had pouches of baggy skin hanging all over him like big rubber curtains. She said it was bad—I mean on-the-verge-of-vomiting bad. She was able to control her urge to puke and bolt, and instead told him she'd had a little too much champagne and asked him if they could cuddle for a while. After feigning sleep she "woke up" later and went home. So much for mind and heart over matter. She still thought the world of him as a human being, but she simply could not go there physically.
My advice is to pick the two physical traits that are the most important to you and focus on those. Anything else is icing on the cake. For me, it's hair and height. He doesn't have to be muscle bound, athletic, or have perfect teeth and long eyelashes, just as long as he has a full head of hair and tops six feet. Yes, my current boyfriend qualifies. Again, it might be helpful to conjure up a vision of a movie star you're completely attracted to, and think about the two physical traits that turn you on most. Subtract the rest. For example, wanting a perfect masculine life form like George Clooney is greedy and ridiculous. But how about a George Clooney type with a little pot belly? Surely he would do? Or a Brad Pitt with a receding hairline? You know what I mean. You're not perfect, so you really can't expect perfection in return. I cringe every time I see a woman in my club turn down a wonderful man just because "he has red hair" or "he's not hot enough for me." They obviously don't understand that men who are too handsome are usually vain, spend too much time in the bathroom and gym, depend on their looks at the exclusion of everything else, and have too many other gorgeous women after them. Besides, even if he looks perfect, when he opens his mouth he probably sounds like Pee-wee Herman, or he doesn't have a job, or a car, or ... well, you get the point.
Still not convinced that that outrageously beautiful man is not for you? Let's get realistic here—if you wait until you find Adonis, you'll still be waiting in the nursing home. As my aunt says, in the beginning what's really important is that "when he kisses you, your toes curl." Of course that palpable lust that makes your pulse rush and your VJ get all warm and mushy will die down eventually. Although it should be there in the beginning, no one can sustain that. Sex with him can't be a Broadway opening every night, so you have to find yourself a good spooner. The überhandsome guy is not a good spooner. He thinks that just being with him should be enough of a thrill for you, so after he's gotten his rocks off, he'll turn over and hug himself. I know this man. So just take my advice and pick your two most important physical traits. If he has beautiful eyes and is in good shape, who cares if he waxes his chest? (Yes, I've had girls complain about that.) If you're five feet two and he's five feet eleven, who cares if he's not over six feet?