Rule #5: Be an active listener
Most
people are passive listeners. If you intend to become an active listener, you'll
need to master two important tools. A famous psychologist named Carl Rogers
called them Reflection of Content and Reflection of Feeling. I don't agree with
a lot of what Rogers taught, but he hit the nail on the head with this one.
Reflecting a speaker's content means that you listen to the person; then
you give him or her feedback that makes it clear you're receiving the factual
message—but as you'll see, it ain't all about the facts. Here's an example of
someone's getting the information but missing the message:
A: "Sorry I'm late. As I was leaving the house, my dog ran into the
street and was hit by a car."
B (reflecting the
content): "So your dog got hit by a car?"
A:
"Right."
B: "Is he dead?"
A: "Uh-huh."
B: "So what did you do with
the dog's body?"
In that example, Person B establishes that
Person A has been heard, which addresses a fundamental need for A. But B has
clearly missed the point.
To be an active listener in an emotionally
relevant situation, B has to do more than just reflect the factual information
that A has conveyed. Reflection of feeling tells your partner not just that he's
been heard but that you have "plugged into" his life and experienced it in some
way, which is essential to his satisfaction. Reflection of feeling sounds like
this:
A: "Sorry I'm late. As I was leaving the house, my dog ran into
the street and got hit by a car."
B (reflecting the feeling): "Oh, my
gosh—you must feel terrible."
A: "Well, I do. We'd had the dog for 12 years,
and my kids really loved him."
B: "I'm sure they must be so upset; I'm sorry
you're going through this."
Being able to reflect the feeling, not just
the content, is essential to the success of your communication.
