Postcards from the Edge
At sunrise, I asked the old woman to show me the way back to my brother's house. I had nowhere else to go. I made it back to my brother's house and explained to my family what had happened. My sister-in-law said maybe they chose me because I had bad luck. My children were happy to see me.
When my husband learned what had happened to me, he asked that I come back home. I think he must have pitied me more than anything else. He told me that the reason I got raped was because I left the house. If I had not left the house nothing would have happened to me.
Our lives changed. Making love was torturous. He reminded me often that it was my fault I had been raped. But despite the many challenges, I continue my efforts to regain some control of my life.
In June of 2004, I was working in the field with seven other people when we heard shooting. We started running to find refuge. We each ran in different directions. With my luck, I ran in the direction of the rebels. When I saw them, I was so afraid that I lost consciousness and fell on the ground. When they got to me they thought I was pretending. There were four men, thin and tall.
They raped me, and I lost consciousness. When I got up, the only reason I knew I'd been raped is that I was naked and there was sperm around my private areas and on my clothes. I was trembling because the shooting was still going on. I did not know which direction to go, so I stayed there in fear until the shooting stopped. Instead of going back home to my husband, I went to my uncle's house. I simply did not have the courage to go to my husband and hear what he'd have to say to me. Moreover, it was late and my uncle's house was closer. Upon seeing me, my uncle knew what had happened.
When I got home the next day, my husband asked why I did not come home, and I told him it was because I was scared. When he wanted to make love and I did not want to, he demanded an explanation. He asked if I had a lover, because I should not be refusing him. At that point, I had to tell him. His tension went up and he fell on the floor of a heart attack.
When he became cognizant, he started treated me very badly. He was the first man I had ever been with. Despite my lack of desire for sex, I make love to my husband out of obligation. Otherwise, I would not. We have some good days and bad days. I don't know why he is still with me.
I want to be active again. When I am active I tend to forget my woes. When I have nothing to do, I relive my past experiences. Sometimes I get delirious.