Oprah Talks to Christine McFadden
Oprah: It's interesting that you use the word erase. I understand what you're saying, because when I look at Nicole and Claire's new bedroom, there's no trace of Stu and Michelle. But obviously they can never really be erased from your memory.
Christine: No. But I stopped seeing the trauma therapist because every week, all I did was cry as I revisited the whole thing. To move on, I had to put it to the back of my mind. I'm working hard to concentrate on other parts of life. That's the only way I can keep going. That's why I needed to have these girls. I was becoming an old person. You know why some older people sit around and talk only about what happened 20 years ago? Because that's when they were still doing things. That's what I was doing—telling the same old stories about my kids. When someone mentioned that it had been five years since they died, I was like, "Five years? That's impossible!"
Oprah: You were living in the past.
Christine: Intellectually, I knew my kids were dead. But the first time I was on your show, it was still so unreal. If you'd said, "Look who we have behind door number two!" I would have believed that my kids were there. That's how bad it was.
Oprah: Did you cremate them all?
Oprah: What did you do with their ashes?
Christine: I still have them. [Long pause and tears] I just can't let them go. In the crematorium, they ask you stuff like "Who do you want to go first?" What mom can answer that? I told them to send the boys first so they could protect their sisters.
Oprah: Did you want to kill yourself after they were murdered?
Christine: I've never been suicidal. And when I married Jerry, I took on the responsibility of not committing suicide. But I wished I'd died with my kids. I wanted to be with them. We used to joke before we got on an airplane that if the plane crashed, we'd be fine because we'd all die together. There's probably some part of me that still feels that I won't be whole or happy again until I am with them.
Christine: I can't answer that fairly because of these two babies. I feel an obligation to be around for them—although if anything had gone wrong with them, that could have pushed me over the edge. But I would not do anything that would hurt them. I don't mean that I'm going to live my life for them, but bringing these girls into the world was a conscious thing. I have a responsibility to be a normal mother.