How to Tell a Joke

"Only tell a joke to people who have expressed interest in hearing a joke. If people laugh at the joke, leave the room immediately. That way you look cool."
— Tina Fey, creator and star of NBC's 30 Rock

"First of all, never say up front, 'This is really funny.' Second, keep it short. Third, make sure you remember the entire joke."
— Joy Behar, comedian and talk show host (ABC's The View)

"I'm not that good at telling jokes. It requires patience, and I am not a very patient guy. I believe in telling a funny story. If you lack confidence in your joke-telling expertise, just tell something funny that happened to you. And keep in mind that comedy, in the end, is the building of tension followed by its release. In many ways it's like…sex…except I'm much better at sex than telling jokes. At least I hope so."
— Lewis Black, comedian and actor (Man of the Year)

"Now that I've been forced to think about it, telling a joke is very challenging and pretty impressive when you can pull it off. Damn, I'm good! The safest approach is to make the joke about something your audience can relate to. At least if they don't laugh, they won't think you're crazy."
— Wanda Sykes, actress and comedian (HBO's Sick and Tired)

"Stand with feet hip-distance apart, knees slightly bent. Cast off all the insecurities you have developed over a lifetime of feeling like you've never really fit in. Affect a funny foreign accent (optional). Speak quickly and at full volume, pausing arbitrarily. When the joke is done, repeat the phrase 'Get it?' until everyone laughs. If someone doesn't laugh, give a detailed explanation in which you clearly point out the funny aspects of the joke. Harbor resentments no matter what."
— Stacy Grenrock Woods, comedian, Esquire sex columnist, and author of the book I, California

How to Tell a Joke (or Be Sexy)

"As a rule, it is better not to laugh at your own jokes. I mean, you already know what happened, and part of what makes us laugh is the element of surprise. So don't laugh, unless you know that the story is not funny—then you probably should laugh, because if you don't, no one else will know to, either. But if you find you have to do this a lot, then I'd consider cultivating a very serious and serene persona, which can be sexy and doesn't mess around with any of this funny business. You might want to get some smart-looking, squarish-framed glasses and put your hair up, too."
— Margaret Cho, actress and comedian (The Sensuous Woman, her burlesque stage show)

How to Be Sexy

"Sexiness is knowing that you belong simply because you are alive. It's owning the space you're in wherever you are. And it's opening your heart to the beauty of the moment and letting it thrill you."
— Sanaa Lathan, actress (FX's Nip Tuck)

"To me sexy is all about feeling happy in your natural state. If someone is just being herself, it doesn't get much sexier than that."
— Emily Procter, actress (CBS's CSI: Miami)

"Real sexiness comes from within. If you punish yourself for all your flaws, you will never feel or seem sexy at all. Love yourself and celebrate your body. That's how it's done!"
— Virginia Madsen, actress (Ripple Effect)

"Say 'yes' to life."
— Susan Sarandon, actress (Bernard and Doris)