The Rules
They are very, very complicated. And it will take a very very long time to explain them. And the time to explain them is not during the most important game of the year. So let me break it down to the absolute most basic of all basics for you: Our team is good. The other team is evil. The point of the game is for our team to beat the living daylights out of the other team. Anything our team does—kicking, biting, punching, stomping—should be legal. Everything the other team does should be totally against the law. That’s really all you need to know.

We love Oprah as much as you do. We really do. She keeps you busy. She makes you read really large and long and involved books about self-help and self-discovery and Jesus and the civil rights movement—which lets US read really short and stupid ones about Joe Namath and Vince Lombardi and golf and the history of helmets. But please let’s not talk about Oprah today. Please? Just for like—four hours? Please? We promise to take out the trash and move furniture and even learn what a sconce is. Please?

To find out more about Denis Leary's books, buy the complete series of Rescue Me, or contribute to, visit You can also follow him on Twitter @denisleary.


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