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The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls
Rachel Simmons, author of
Odd Girl Out, discovered that girls are just as aggressive as boys, but they act out
in much more subtle ways. The effect of this "hidden aggression" is devastating to millions of
girls, but is often invisible to parents.
What You Don't See Many girls intentionally perpetrate acts of aggression that go unseen by parents and teachers. Because they are so skilled at being subtle, girls can communicate a thousand words without saying anything. By rolling their eyes or turning their back on another girl, they can shut that other person out without being noticed by anyone else—even a concerned parent or teacher. The Need to Please According to Rachel, one of the reasons for this hidden aggression is that girls don't express their anger to each other directly. In our culture, girls are taught to be nice, which means not being in conflict, and being everyone's friend. This need to please leads to the more under-handed forms of aggression, because girls know they don't have to take responsibility for their actions. If they were visibly mean, they would be punished not only by their parents or teachers, but also by their peers. The Popularity Contest Popularity is a "cutthroat contest that causes girls to lie to be accepted, to cheat their friends by using them, and to steal people's secrets to re-sell at a higher price," says Rachel. What makes girls popular is having lots of friends, and having trouble-free relationships with them. But the more friends girls have, and the more they try to keep those friendships trouble-free, the more aggression builds up under the surface. Kicked Out and Isolated Girls would rather be picked on than kicked out of their social group. The idea of being ostracized from their group of friends is devastating. The social isolation of losing their friends could make them feel uncomfortable about relationships in general. The burden of shame is heavy for girls, because they feel if they've been isolated from the group, they must have done something very wrong. For girls, their relationships with their peers are more important than school, their relationships with their parents or anything else.
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