Somewhere between sucking up to superiors and talking down to assistants is a way of relating that's on the same level. Martha Beck tells how to stay true to who you are, no matter who you're talking to.

There are those rare individuals who cannot be distracted by the external markers of success—things like social rank, wealth, education level, and professional status. These individuals behave in ways that quietly but effectively elevate the lowly and humble the arrogant. How do they do it? They ignore two common misconceptions and act instead on truths about equality and individual value.

 Misconception #1
Each person's value is determined by rank on the pyramid of social success. Your worth as a person increases or decreases as you accumulate (or fail to accumulate) prizes like wealth, power or fame.

Success-driven behaviors can undermine the very thing we think they will provide: the certainty that we are important, lovable, good enough. If you're waiting for the one achievement that will give you this certainty, prepare to wait forever. The only way to create such inner peace is to replace Misconception #1 with the following truth.

Truth #1  
Each person, including you, is infinitely precious. No success or failure can ever alter that fact.

Deep down, most of us conclude that we're a bit (or a lot) less equal than everybody else. It is this lurking sense of inferiority that makes us lust for success, consider ourselves pond scum, or both. The next time you find yourself in a situation where you feel worthless, think about the most powerful hero you can imagine, and how they would react in your place. Now consider this: your hero isn't the one coming up with this new, self-confident behavior—you are.

Misconception #2
People will value me to the extent that I affirm the superiority of people who rank above me in the social pyramid, and my own superiority over people who rank below me.

Success is a currency that is not accepted by the heart: You can't buy love. Only people who are caught in the same misconception will bond with your accomplishments. Success-based relationships are parasitic, and they vanish when the fame, money and power do. To forge caring connections, you don't need a stronger résumé; you need Truth #2.

Truth #2  
People will value me to the extent that they believe I value them.

Virtually all arrogant, domineering people spent their childhoods being cruelly devalued. As adults, they are starving for validation, and they try to force people to acknowledge their significance by sucking up to the powerful and dominating the weak. This tends to create the very hostility they fear. There are much better ways to get the acceptance we crave.

Often people treat approval as though it were a severely limited resource. They give it stingily, if at all, as though every bit of approval aimed at someone else leaves less for them. But the more we express genuine approval, the more we motivate positive behavior in those around us, the more approval we'll receive from them.