Now that the children are leaving and I'm halfway to dead, I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if it's just a midlife crisis or if I really am not being true to myself by staying safe in the marriage that never was a love match. Many cultures don't consider love with marriage, and I've tried to rationalize that over the years, but it really feels as though this frustration has taken on a life of its own now, and I don't know how to get back to being complacent or even if I should!
Help me to know if this is just a menopausal phase or an out crying of my soul. I feel the pulls of menopause (hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings) and also the fear of being an older woman—alone! I just feel so incredibly lost—like I never have before in my life. Please help me! Thank you.
— Vicky C., Vacaville, California
When people bring up a problem, one sort stands out. Whatever the issue, whatever the conflict, the person in trouble already knows what to do. They are merely asking for permission to do it. You fall into that category.
How do I know? Nobody asks loaded questions like "Should I go back to being complacent?" unless they already know the answer. In your view, what would make a marriage bad enough to leave it—having your husband set you on fire?
There's a touching aspect to your situation, which is that you value duty—doing the right thing—over happiness. That's very old-fashioned, and in its way noble. But you've wound up with a devil's bargain in this marriage, and one has to wonder why your husband wanted a wife who didn't love him. I think it's obvious that the two of you don't communicate on any level of intimacy or emotional honesty. So getting out of the marriage may be the most honest thing you've done in many years. I applaud you for waking up and smelling the coffee.
Next question: How can all beings be blessed at the same time?
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Deepak Chopra is the author of more than 50 books on health, success, relationships and spirituality, including his current best-seller, Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul, and The Ultimate Happiness Prescription, which are available now. You can listen to his show on Saturdays every week on SiriusXM Channels 102 and 155.
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