Ask Deepak: Wanting a Child When Your Spouse Doesn't
By Deepak Chopra
May 12, 2010
Each week, spiritual teacher Deepak Chopra responds to Oprah.com users' questions with enlightening advice to help them live their best lives.
Q: My marriage is going through very hard times now, and I'm not sure I can take this anymore. We have a beautiful girl who just turned 4 years old. I want another child, and my husband does not. In addition to that, we have been fighting a lot, and now my husband is having troubles performing in the bedroom. Seems to be the timing of this problem is just another way to avoid what I want so badly. How can we get through this? It seems impossible to me, and I am so upset that I never stop thinking about what is happening. I don't understand how he could not want to bring another beautiful child into this world. I can't believe he is not feeling what I am to give our daughter a sibling!
— Marlene R., Toronto, Canada
You need to take the pressure off your husband and yourself. The stress is making him limp. May I suggest a modified time out? Sit down and write a letter to him listing all your reasons for wanting a new baby and expressing yourself as fully as you can. Ask him to write you a letter expressing his reasons for not wanting another child, expressing all his doubts.
After you each read the other's letter, in private, put them away for four months. Don't bring up the subject again. Let time do its work. At the end of four months, take out the letters again. Read only yours, and ask yourself if your position has changed. Your husband should do the same. If neither of you has changed, put the letters away again for four months. But if, as I suspect, there is a softening of either position, talk it over. If there is still no agreement, write new letters. I think this will work if you really promise to leave the subject alone in the interim.