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Step One: Identify Your Behavior Patterns
Notice your behavior changes when you spend time with family. For example, do you try to please everyone? Do you spend time criticizing others? Do you:
  • Overeat or drink too much
  • Gang up on certain members of your family
  • Over do and then feel resentful
  • Use all your energy trying to make others happy
  • Isolate and feel sorry for yourself
  • Become a victim or martyr
Step Two: Review the Past for Regrets and Resentments
One way to identify self-defeating patterns of behavior is to review your past and make a list of your regrets and old resentments. For example, did you spend a lot of money, only to realize you're in debt? Did you knock yourself out cooking/preparing/planning, only to feel unappreciated and disappointed?

Step Three: Identify Your Emotions
Look at the common emotions you feel during family get-togethers. Do you feel:
  • Lonely?
  • Worthless?
  • Judged/Criticized?
  • Unloved?
  • Disappointed?
  • Unappreciated?
  • Regretful?
  • Frustrated?
  • Guilty?
  • Ashamed?
  • Jealous?
  • Angry?
Step Four: Uncover the Shadow Belief
Once you identify the feeling, close your eyes and ask yourself: "When have I felt this feeling before?" Make a list of all of the times when you felt this way. As you consider each experience, ask yourself: "What did I make this experience mean about me?"

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