Step One: Identify Your Behavior Patterns
Notice your behavior changes when you spend time with family. For example, do you try to please everyone? Do you spend time criticizing others? Do you:

• Overeat or drink too much
• Gang up on certain members of your family
• Over do and then feel resentful
• Use all your energy trying to make others happy
• Isolate and feel sorry for yourself
• Become a victim or martyr

Step Two: Review the Past for Regrets and Resentments
One way to identify self-defeating patterns of behavior is to review your past and make a list of your regrets and old resentments. For example, did you spend a lot of money, only to realize you're in debt? Did you knock yourself out cooking/preparing/planning, only to feel unappreciated and disappointed?

Step Three: Identify Your Emotions
Look at the common emotions you feel during family get-togethers. Do you feel:

• Lonely?
• Worthless?
• Judged/Criticized?
• Unloved?
• Disappointed?
• Unappreciated?
• Regretful?
• Frustrated?
• Guilty?
• Ashamed?
• Jealous?
• Angry?

Step Four: Uncover the Shadow Belief
Once you identify the feeling, close your eyes and ask yourself: "When have I felt this feeling before?" Make a list of all of the times when you felt this way. As you consider each experience, ask yourself: "What did I make this experience mean about me?"