Apply Liquid Eyeliner.
It involves a brush. But it is not painting. There is a very clear right and wrong: Coloring outside the lines doesn't come off as creative or an expression of yourself.
It is always in a bowl. The bowl is always too big for a human being. Though it's painful to compete with another hand rooting around in your precious, buttery puffed kernels, you will be sick if you go solo.
Photo: Courtesy of Fox Searchlight Pictures
See a movie with a trailer featuring a kid with raggedy clothes.
The only kids who wear raggedy clothes are kids whose parents died, can't take care of them or disappeared. These kids often will have a dog or another animal you will also be obsessively worried about, even if it's not addressed in the plot. (Example: Beasts of the Southern Wild)
Do the Fake Office Smile.
Your boss has just talked for three hours about her kid's bowling team. Somewhere at that conference table is a random soul who will meet your eyes and, without saying a word, get you through it by seeing your fake office grin and raising you an even faker one, making it clear that you are not the only one in the room who is dying inside and ensuring that if your boss picks up on the vibe—you'll be fired together.
Wash a cat.
Cats are supposed to wash themselves. With their tongues. Which will not work if they roll around in their litter boxes (no...kitty...no!) or allow your toddler son to pour honey on them. You will need a bathtub, three large adults, oven mitts, ski goggles and a couple of hazmat suits.
Send that poem you wrote late last night to your new boyfriend.
Send that email you wrote late last night to your old boyfriend.
Send that overly honest self-evaluation in to your human resources department.
Or French. Or Swedish. DVDs can help. But languages require one mouth talking to another mouth. Even if you're embarrassed and shy and really, really bad.
Published on Apr 03, 2013