The response: "Sarah. I so see where you are coming from. Let's go grab a bite at that new restaurant around the corner and talk about it."
Why? Standing there blushing is only going to allow your friend to humiliate herself further. You're her friend; your job is to protect her. It's time to leave. But whispering something to the lawyer like, "Sarah had a little too much to drink," or "Sarah had a bad breakup," will make you look rude for speaking about her in third person (as Russell Brand so famously noted). A direct "Let's go home" is also tricky. She won't want to go home; she's drunk; time has stopped. Your job is to acknowledge the difficult thing that inspired the misguided monologue ("I see where you're coming from") and to get her out of the room ("Let's go grab a bite"). If you want, tip the coat-check girl a few dollars to hand your card to the lawyer with the phrase, "Men aren't so bad" on it, all the better. He'll probably call. Everyone finds a person who can save everyone's self-esteem—without flattery or obvious falsehoods—attractive.
2. The situation: You work at an online pizza-delivery company. Your boss, the founder, strolls into your office and describes the new plan she's just come up with. From now on, the website will also sell beer, salad, ice cream and—why the heck not, every family wants one on Friday night—puppies. In fact, she wants to kick all this off by the end of the fiscal quarter.
The response: "I wish I had thought of that! But are you worried whether we'll have enough time to make that kind of totally groundbreaking change?"
Your boss is your boss—and even if she's deluded at this moment, she's got a dream. The dream may be in that shiny, new, everything-is-perfect-and-possible phase, but you don't need to be the one that says, "That is a horrible idea," because, sorry my dear, nobody loves a dream killer.
Instead, asking her if she's worried about the time frame puts the responsibility for addressing any problems on her, not you—avoiding the usual "I'm worried that..." or "My only worry is that..." This way, she can fret about the logistics (including the one that seems most problematic to you) and, ultimately, realize that she can feasibly expand into the beer, salad, dessert business by the end of the quarter, but should wait to launch a new, separate puppy website. Why? Because you can't just drop off live, vulnerable baby dogs on strangers' doorsteps! When she comes into the office with her newly revised plan (including a vetting process for new owners), you will have the next perfect response already prepared: "How can I help?"
3. The situation: You dial up a big, multinational hotel corporation to confirm the reservation for your stay at a French-Polynesian resort next week—your only vacation of the year. "Hello," says the customer-service agent. She does not sound French-Polynesian, by the way. She does not even sound 14.
The response: "My name is Leigh Newman. What's yours?"
The idea here is that by exchanging names and civilities, you're establishing a human connection that may lead to a more positive interaction. But let's say—just because it so often happens—that the customer-service rep can't find your records. She puts you on hold for a few minutes, only to come back on the line and say, nicely, "Nope! There's no reservation!" But she is willing to give you a similar room for triple the price. At that point, asking for her name is moot. She is not a ding-dong. She is going to put you back on hold for a manager. Or give you a fake name. Or give you a name without a last name or an extension. Or say that company policy is not to give out names. At that moment, you realize if you'd gotten the name of the very kind, polite woman (Dee-Dee) who had made the reservation six month ago, you could bring it up now. Strike with good manners—and a fat dollop of hope—first.
Next: When you see your most beloved author sitting at the bar