Remind Me of What I Loved - Caroline Myss

Remind Me of What I Loved

By Caroline Myss
Oprah.com | January 05, 2010

Caroline Myss explains why it's better to focus on what you really love than to look back on your pain if you hope to experience the true power of healing.

Many insights and experiences ultimately inspire a person to write a book. Defy Gravity , my new book, grew out of my desire to share my observations about the nature of healing. In particular, I wanted to introduce something I have come to believe is absolutely true: Healing is ultimately a mystical experience and not one that is generated by the force or determination of the power of the mind. By "mystical," I'm referring to experiences that require grace in order to transcend the barriers of our minds, which are so often weighed down by the need to know why things happen as they do in our lives.

The truth is that when it comes to life's traumas or sufferings that are rooted in memories of humiliation, there are no logical reasons we were the recipients of undeserved suffering—certainly not ones that will satisfy us. We can search for years to understand why we were not as loved as we should have been or why we were abused but in the end we are still left feeling hurt. Those scars, it seems, never really go away. They don't go away because they can't. They are a part of us. They formed us. So rather than seek to do what is impossible, we must strive to do what is essential: True healing requires that we find a route beyond our pain so it does not control us or cause us to want to punish or control others. It's also true, however, that we cannot "think" our way through an act of inner transformation, which is exactly what I'm describing. This type of inner work demands we defeat our reasoning minds and enlist deeper resources within ourselves, namely the power of our souls. And getting in touch with that power is without a doubt an act of grace generously given to those who ask.

When it comes to matters of the soul and grace, healing and personal transformation, I realize we've shifted to more etheric subject matter. So it's been my experience that grace as a force of healing is best illustrated through a true story, and this is one that hopefully will touch your heart as deeply as it did mine. I put this in the category of a mystical healing experience because of the effect the interchange had upon the daughter and upon me. Perhaps the grace of this story will pass on to you and you too will feel for a moment what it means to "defy gravity"—that is, to be fully present in the here and now of your life, dwelling on love and not regrets. And let me tell you ahead of time that as incredible as this story may seem, this is exactly what happened.

A mother and daughter's powerful conversation

While on my recent book tour for Defy Gravity , I had lunch at the Ritz-Carlton in Philadelphia. Seated at the next table were a mother and daughter. I learned through the fine art of eavesdropping that the daughter had taken her mother out for lunch to celebrate her 92nd birthday. Even though the mother was all dressed up, she still reminded me of a lovely little hummingbird, so tiny and fragile. As is the case with most people in their 90s, they no longer initiate conversation. So it was her daughter who did most of the talking, and since the daughter and I were practically seated back-to-back, it was impossible not to hear her as she reminisced about people who had once filled their lives.

"Well, those people were bad news, Mom. They weren't really that nice to you," said the daughter.

"Oh, I don't remember that," was the mother's response as she kept her eyes on her lunch, reorganizing her salad with her fork. The subject changed to the mother's sister, and though I couldn't hear the details (as I really wasn't eavesdropping in full gear—yet), I then heard the daughter say: "It's true. Your sister was no angel."

Hearing that comment, I glanced over at the mother to see her response.

"Funny, but I can't recall those things," said the lovely birthday hummingbird as she kept her eyes focused on her lunch. Her daughter then shifted the conversation to memories of her mother's marriage to her father. Though I could not hear most of the specifics, it just happened that I heard her say: "Oh, Mom, I could tell you stories about Dad, believe me. You had a rough time with him."

"I did?" the mom replied, never revealing her eyes. "I don't remember."

"You sure did." And just as the daughter began to elaborate on those difficult times, this little hummingbird of a mother put down her fork and made direct eye contact with her daughter. With the most gentle smile on her face, she said: "I don't want to remember those things anymore, Ann. Remind me, now, of what I loved. Remind me of what I loved about your father. I only want to be reminded of love."

That line not only drew the breath out of her daughter; it completely captivated my attention. I sat perfectly still. I could actually feel the impact that request had upon the daughter's heart. The mother had shot an arrow directly into the bitter wounds that were obviously possessing her daughter.

How a conversation can defy gravity

Now my eavesdropping on their intimate conversation was deliberate. I had to hear the daughter's response. I had to watch her face as she grappled with her mother's request to utilize her heart as a means to access memories of love she herself could no longer recall. It was obvious the daughter wanted to refuse her mother's request, but how could she? This was her mother's 92nd birthday. Saying no was not an option. I even found an excuse to adjust my chair so that I could observe the daughter's expressions as she psychically allowed her mother's well-worn heart to board her shattered heart in order to travel back in time. Sojourning into memories in search of love instead of pain was not something the daughter had anticipated. Love, after all, is the most healing of graces. She took a deep breath and with a much softer voice, she said, "Well, Mom," then in a much softer tone of voice, "you loved the way Dad used to tease you."

"I did?" the mother asked.

"Yes, you did. And he always gave you roses on your birthday, Mom. Today Dad would have given you a lovely bouquet of roses because you love roses," the daughter said.

"Oh," said the mother, her smile becoming more illuminated. "I think I remember that."

"And you know that heart [necklace] you always wear, the one around your neck right now? Well, Dad surprised you with that on your 25th wedding anniversary," the daughter said. The mother reached for the small gold heart around her neck, touching it gently with her fingers.

"No wonder I never want to take this off," she said. Then, this exquisite little hummingbird of a mother noticed her daughter was wiping away tears from her eyes. She reached across the table for her daughter's hand and said, "Honey, don't wait until you're my age to have to ask someone else to remind you of what you loved in your life. Be wise enough to remind yourself of that every day because someday those memories might just fade away like mine did and the memories I miss the most are about the people I know I loved."

By this time, I was wiping away tears. As I watched this mother and daughter embrace, I recognized the healing handiwork of grace as only grace could so elegantly and silently transform a conversation filled with pain into one that lifted the weight from a daughter's heart. Only the power of grace could transform a mother into the rare air of the Sage, gifting her daughter wisdom from her soul so powerful as to transform the whole of her life within the content of a couple of sentences.

This conversation captured the essence of what it means to "defy gravity." In an instant, this daughter had released the weight of past wounds, replacing them with the healing force of wisdom and love. Ordinary words could never have accomplished such a feat. Healing is indeed a mystical experience, and one never knows when grace will come to call. I left that lunch having imprinted the request of that precious 92-year-old woman into my heart: Remind me of what I love. What could be a more splendid prayer of reflection than that? And what a gift they were to me on my book tour. I will always believe that being seated next to them was no accident.

Caroline Myss has been in the field of energy medicine and human consciousness for 20 years. Since 1982, she has worked as a medical intuitive, providing individuals with an evaluation of the health of their energetic anatomy system. She specializes in assisting people in understanding the emotional, psychological and physical reasons their bodies have developed an illness. Myss is a New York Times best-selling author whose books include Anatomy of the Spirit, Why People Don't Heal and How They Can, Sacred Contracts and Entering the Castle. Myss' latest book, Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason, was published by Hay House in October 2009 .