"Why Is This Happening to Me?"

Illustration: Jen Troyer

4 of 11
Your first repetition of this mantra should be spontaneous and heartfelt. I advise biting down on a roll of clean toilet paper, so people in neighboring stalls will hear only "FWAH IFH VIF HAFFADEEG FVHOO FEE?!" They'll conjecture you're experiencing the sort of distress Jamie Lee Curtis could fix with her magic yogurt, and they'll leave quickly. Then ask yourself...
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