"I have seen misery that people shouldn't have to face," Tesfai tells me over coffee. "I never expected to be alive." Though she encourages other African women to share their histories with one another in support groups, she is reluctant to tell her own story. "Many Americans have been practicing since childhood to say how they feel," Tesfai says with a laugh. "We didn't grow up this way. We were told to keep everything a secret."
The eldest of five boys and three girls, Tesfai was raised in Addis Ababa by a loving mother and father, a homemaker and the owner of an automobile repair shop, who were committed to educating their daughters as well as their sons. Nevertheless, they felt compelled by traditions to marry off Nikki, at 13, to a man her father's age. The marriage was horrible and bitter, Tesfai recalls. Her husband and his mother beat her regularly, and after two years she fled to her parents' house. "When I write a book about my life, it will be called Escape," Tesfai says. "In my life there have been so many escapes."
Tesfai, who earned a PhD in humanities in 1997, has piled up honors: she was named refugee woman of the year by the Women's Commission on Refugee Women and Children in 1994, and in 2000 the chief justice of the California Supreme Court appointed her to the California Family and Juvenile Law Advisory Commission. But she's proudest of helping individuals—the West African woman, her children taken away by a manipulative American husband, who learned enough English to speak up for herself in court and got her kids back; the mentally ill client who found a job and an apartment. "When he told me he'd gotten a job and a place to live, it was like someone had given me a million dollars," she says. "It was like therapy. It gave me peace in my heart."
Besides providing comfort and safety, the shelter offers on-site job and workshops in self-esteem. "Domestic violence makes even the most intelligent women feel hopeless. We validate them and help them find jobs. But for someone to see that she can have a life again does not happen right away."
Back in her office after a tour of the shelter, I ask Tesfai why she thinks some people faced with misfortune shrivel in bitterness while others, like her, are able to share the wisdom learned in their ordeals. "People get bitter when they feel enchained," she says. "When you have a way out, like working, you are free—and you don't have time for bitterness. Besides, the worst thing would be to be like the ones who have hurt you."