See It And Free It

The impish nature of our psychology ensures that we all occasionally spot what we've got. However, we rarely see our own delusion; we just find ourselves ruminating on the vices of others. If Joe weren't so lazy, we think, he'd always bring me breakfast in bed. Or Chris is such a miser. Expected me to split the check for coffee—like I'm made of money! When these thoughts become especially dominant, there's a high probability we've got what we spot. But we can turn our own unconscious hypocrisy into a wonderful tool for personal growth. Here's how:

Phase One: Write Your Rant
To begin, list all the nasty, judgmental thoughts you're already thinking about Certain People. Who's offending you most right now? What do you hate most about them? What dreadful things have they done to you? What behavior should they change? Scribble down all your most controlling, accusatory, politically incorrect thoughts.

Phase Two: Change Places
Now go through your written rant and put yourself in the place of the person you're criticizing. Read through it again, and be honest—could it be that your enemy's shoe fits your own foot? If you wrote "Kristin always wants things her way," could "I always want things my way" be equally true? Could it be that this is the very reason Kristin's selfishness bothers you so much? If you wrote "Joe has got to stop clinging and realize that our relationship is over," could it be that you are also hanging on to the relationship—say, by brooding all day about Joe's clinginess?

Sometimes you'll swear you don't see in yourself the loathsome qualities you notice in others. You spot it, but you ain't got it. Look again. See if you are implicitly condoning someone else's vileness by failing to oppose it—which puts your actions on the side of the trait you hate. You may be facilitating your boss's combativeness by bowing your head and taking it, rather than speaking up or walking out. Maybe you hate a friend's greediness, all the while "virtuously" allowing her to grab more than her share. Indirectly you are serving the habits you despise. Your rant rewrite may look like this example from one of my clients, Lenore:

Phase One: The Rant
"My kids take me for granted. They expect me to drop whatever I'm doing and focus on them, anytime. I'm sick of them taking me for granted."

Phase Two: The Rewrite
"I take me for granted. I expect me to drop whatever I'm doing to focus on my kids, anytime. I'm sick of me taking me for granted."

This exercise was a watershed for Lenore; once she realized that by devaluing herself she was teaching her children to devalue her, she could begin getting respect from them by respecting herself.

We can often learn such priceless lessons by remembering the "you spot it, you got it" dynamic. Recognizing this impish quirk of human thinking helps us peacefully detach from crazy-makers who might otherwise drive us nuts, and jolts us free from the places we get most stuck. We automatically become freer, less caught in illusion, less obsessed with other people's flaws. That's good, because there's nothing worse than people who are always talking about what they hate in other people. Boy, do I hate them.

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