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Impotent Rage
By Martha Beck
O, The Oprah Magazine  |  October 15, 2004
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Loyalty, Voice or Exit


According to economist Albert O. Hirschman, a luminary in the study of organizational behavior, there are three possible attitudes you can adopt toward a social system: loyalty, voice or exit.
  1. People who feel lots of impotent rage tend to act loyal, complying silently or cooperating without complaining. This may look virtuous, but if you're legitimately angry, it's a doomed strategy. It will wither or sour your emotional connection to others, in the name of keeping the peace.
  2. Voice, or expressing anger, is a more difficult but productive alternative. To do it effectively, you must not only define exactly what's bothering you but also be willing to help solve the problem. When you voice your own anger, be careful to pinpoint the issues that upset you. Always suggest a positive solution (an apology, a policy change, a salary increase) that would satisfy your sense of fairness.
  3. In severely dysfunctional systems, exit is the best option. People who are used to tolerating chronic rage resist this, staying far too long in toxic relationships, exploitative jobs and other horrific situations. Anger is the good friend that urges us to leave these situations, that won't let us feel comfortable enduring mistreatment. Don't wait until you're half-dead, physically or emotionally. When you see the sign that says exit, head for it. Sometimes exit entails physically leaving a person or organization. More often, though, it means detaching at a deep emotional level by acknowledging that you are on different wavelengths. Mental exit is often more powerful than physical departure. And it may be a crucial escape when you want to physically exit but can't. Try the Monte Cristo Exit, a strategy I named after the character in Dumas' famous novel who stays sane in prison by trying to tunnel out. It takes him years, but because he's working on his escape every day, he survives. The Monte Cristo approach requires you to work every day on your escape plan (finding other means of support, improving your health, saving money) while tolerating an unsavory situation just a bit longer.
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From the October 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
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