In our obsessively busy society, you may be hard-pressed to convince family and acquaintances you need empty time. My advice is, don't bother. Don't explain to the refrigerator repairman that he can't come at ten because you'll be doing absolutely nothing. Just excuse yourself, firmly, unapologetically, with minimum information. Say, "I'm sorry, I have an appointment at that time" or "Nope, I'm booked" or "I need 15 minutes alone." Even when my kids were toddlers, even with needy clients, even when I'm pushing a deadline, I've gotten excellent results with these simple, straightforward statements. Memorize them (or write your own versions), and practice saying them out loud. They'll roll off your tongue more easily in real-life situations.
Once you've given empty time its rightful priority and practiced protecting your boundaries, make a daily, ten-minute appointment with empty time. Write it down. Give your core self this brief period of attention, and it will connect you with your real thoughts and feelings, your passion and purpose, the life you are supposed to live—but only if you keep your promise! Finding yourself doesn't require that you fly to Tibet, join a convent, or build a meditation room. Just consistently keep a minimal commitment to empty time.
Of course, if you want the help and have the money, you may want to hire an adviser: a yoga teacher, a headshrinker, or a coach (comme moi). Michelle did. Despite our prickly first session, she kept returning, slowly learning to tolerate empty time in my office and at home. One day in the middle of a session, she fell silent. I checked my watch. Ten seconds...20...30. Finally, I gave her a nudge.
"We still have a few minutes," I said. "Is there anything you want to do? Anything you want to talk about?"
Michelle sat quietly for a beat, then gave me a peaceful smile and an answer that let me know our work was finished.
"I suppose," she said. "But not now."
More Martha Beck Advice
We Hear You!