Remember how Frank Sinatra sang "Do Be Do Be Do"? Well, Frank's a great crooner—but he's a dyslexic self-help guru. To live your happiest life, you gotta sing "Be Do Be Do Be Do." What happens if you focus on being before doing?
Right now, you are probably walking around thinking a variety of things such as:
"I want to make lots of money."
"I want to have lots of loving, loyal friends."
"I want men to find me sexy and appealing."
"I want a wildly happy love life."
Now, to get a lot of money, friends and love, you need to act in a way that attracts more money, friends and love. What qualities do you need to improve to attract more successful life results in your life? Are you being disciplined, organized, warm, loving, patient, self-loving, intuitive, calm, confident, courageous, open-minded, generous and empathic?
Your identity will always determine your destiny. Who you think you are and who you actually are will always affect what you choose to do—and how people and the world at large respond to you.
For this reason, it is very important to write a to-be list every day—even before you write your to-do list. After all, who you think you are will always affect not only what takes the top spots on your to-do list, but even how well you are able to check off your to-dos.
A quickie example: If you value being a good, loving, caring, empathic friend with lots of loving friendships in your life, then you might add in some extra friendship to-dos on your list—checking in with friends regularly to see how they are doing. If you first focus on being a good friend, you may find that you will be extra aware of being warm, loving, patient, intuitive, calm, confident, generous and empathic—and you will wind up attracting the highest quality friendships you can have.
Think about it: If you are more consistently aware of being a kind, honest, loving, patient, communicative and loyal person—as a result, you will then be creating kind, honest, loving, patient and communicative actions in the world—and, in the end, getting the happiest life results possible!
Learn how to retrain your brain
One way to keep this in mind is to consistently ask yourself: "Who do I need to become to get all that I want in life?"
I love this question. You can solve a lot of your present problems in your life by asking yourself this question and then finding the right to-be list words to focus on, so as to solve your present life difficulties. Can your present problems be made easier by being more patient, more disciplined, more courageous or more forgiving? Where you focus is what you will find.
Specific examples: If you realize that you are not very good at being warmly direct,—being completely honest with your love partner about what's bothering you—then put warmly direct on your to-be list. Or if you realize you're not a good listener—and that your love partner may feel unheard—then put good listener on your to-be list.
Start every day thinking, "Who do I need to become to get all that I want and deserve in life?" Then, brainstorm your to-be list and focus on one or two of the to-bes you most desire. If there is a moment when you are tempted to not be your to-bes (and there probably will be), immediately refocus and repeat a mantra that goes something like this: "The old me used to be very reactive and say things in the moment without thinking. The new me is peaceful, empathic, loving and calms down before speaking. I am responding, not reacting."
By constantly repeating mantras like these, you will retrain your brain to think like the new you all the time—creating new actions, new perceptions and better life options! Now, go and be!
Karen Salmansohn is a best-selling author known for creating self-help for people who wouldn't be caught dead reading self-help. Get more information on finding a loving happier-ever-after relationship in her book Prince Harming Syndrome.
Printed from Oprah.com on Monday, March 10, 2014
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