Here are some ideas about what you can do to move through your experience of feeling flawed to a place of acceptance, peace and love:
- Acknowledge what's true for you. The first step in almost every process of growth and transformation is telling the truth. So often you may try to avoid, run from or pretend your flaws are gone (that never works). But, if you relate to some aspect of your body, personality, relationships, career or life in general as a flaw, you first have to get real about it if you're going to do anything about it.
- Admit and express the underlying emotions. If you can identify, acknowledge and ultimately express the true emotions you're experiencing related to this perceived flaw, you can create a real sense of freedom for yourself. If a certain aspect of your personality, your body or your career bothers you and because of it you find yourself feeling ashamed, as uncomfortable or potentially negative as it may seem, the best thing you can do is acknowledge and express your shame authentically. Emotions become positive when they are appropriately expressed and turn negative when they are denied and repressed. Although this is a different understanding of emotions than you've been taught, I'm sure you've had many liberating and positive experiences when you've expressed negative emotions like sadness, anger and fear. By expressing your real emotions, you can start to unlock and unhook yourself from the drama and suffering of the situation, which is actually caused by your denial and repression of these emotions, not the emotions themselves.
- Forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness is a big one and something that many of people, myself included, don't have a lot of experience with. Most people have been trained to be hard on themselves, and also that forgiveness has to come from someone or something outside of you. However, true forgiveness comes from within you and is what ultimately sets you free in life. When you feel flawed in certain areas of your life, you often have a lot of blame and judgment, some of which may be directed toward other people or situations. But beneath that, most of it is directed at you. When you're able to forgive yourself in an authentic way, you create the space for real change and healing to take place.
- Appreciate. The word "appreciate" doesn't mean "like," "agree with" or "enjoy," necessarily. To appreciate means to recognize the value of something. What have you learned about yourself and life by dealing with this flaw? While pain, issues and challenges are not the only ways to grow in life, one of the many benefits of your challenges is that you get to learn a great deal about yourself, others and life in the process of dealing with them. When you move into a state of genuine appreciation and gratitude for the learning associated with the difficulty, you can move out of feeling sorry for yourself (which never helps). It's impossible to experience gratitude and victimhood simultaneously.
- Love. The ultimate antidote for all suffering is love. Your ability to bring love to your flaws, to care for them with kindness and compassion (as you would for a child, a pet or a loved one), is what will ultimately allow the true transformation you're looking for to take place. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. When you love your flaws, you create an environment where you're either able to make the kinds of specific changes you truly want (from an authentic place of intention) or learn to love and accept yourself, whether an actual change takes place or not. Any issue, malady or problem that shows up in your life is an opportunity for you to deepen your capacity to bring love, give love, receive love and accept love.
All of these things, in my own experience, are much easier said than done. And, when you're able to tell the truth, express your real emotions, forgive yourself, appreciate your flaws and bring love to all aspects of your life (both light and dark), you give yourself the opportunity to transcend your flaws in a real way. This takes a great deal of intention, support, compassion and patience. It is much easier to take a pill, get busy and distracted, whine and complain, pretend things are fine or various other avoidance techniques you may have gotten good at in life. However, leaning into your flaws in an authentic way and doing so with profound love for yourself is how you can genuinely heal and end the cycle of suffering.Mike Robbins is a best-selling author, sought-after motivational keynote speaker and personal growth expert who works with people and groups of all kinds. Robbins is the author of the best-selling books
Focus on the Good Stuff and
Be Yourself: Everyone Else Is Already Taken. He and his work have been featured on
ABC News, in
Ladies Home Journal,
Self and many others.
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