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3. Working on Lack of Communication


Compared to the first two obstacles, lack of communication has become a well-worn theme. Couples are constantly urged, by therapists, self-help books and magazine articles. The stereotype is that men are the problem. They won't open up. They hate to express their emotions or show vulnerability. They think it's girly to show feelings, so why not leave it to the girls? This stereotype isn't as rigid as it seems, for many men do confide in the privacy of their relationship, and women well know the vulnerability that is being hidden when a man goes back out into the workaday world with his public mask firmly in place.

Still, psychologists find a gap between the sexes when it comes to communicating, and we can't summarize the subject in the short space we have here. Lack of communication is a snake biting its tail: the more you tell someone they need to communicate, the harder they will clamp down. As with many complex personal issues, it helps to break this one down to simpler components. Then you can address the parts instead of the whole, which is almost always the easier way to find a solution. Also, you will be leaving the level of the problem, which is never where solutions lie.

What is the level of the problem? An emotional impasse. One person wants more emotion, the other refuses. At bottom, all relationships must have an emotional core, and by nature, emotions are transient—they come and go, rise and fall, moving the way they want to move, no matter what the rational mind may say. People fail to communicate because there is an emotional mismatch. Instead of trying to pry your partner open like an oyster, you need to make him or her feel that it's safe to open up on their own. This can't be done by attack, blame, nagging or guilt-tripping.

In order to open new lines communication, you need to develop a new attitude toward communication. When you really communicate: (1) your partner's emotions are as valid as yours; (2) you don't use your relationship to vent or dump your stuff; (3) you sympathize, you feel where your partner is coming from; (4) you deal with your negative emotions as your responsibility; (5) you don't project them through guilt-tripping and blame; (6) you make intimacy an open space between the two of you, you are sensitive to any sign that the space is closing; (7) you show appreciation for what your partner feels; (8) the one who gets to talk the most is the one with the greatest need or the most to share. But this doesn't mean that one person is always the designated listener.

As before, you should sit down with your partner to discuss how these new attitudes can be fostered between you. Choose a relaxed, calm moment. Have the list written down and presented beforehand so that your partner has time to consider each thing without feeling ambushed. One of the most important things to avoid is depicting one person as being open while the other is closed. Communication isn't about me versus you. It's about building this separate, valuable thing known as "our relationship." Communication is the air that relationship breathes. It's not relevant that one partner might talk a lot while the other doesn't. Talking a lot isn't communication, it's holding forth. Your goal isn't to make your partner more like you, or vice versa. What you are aiming for is mutual growth, which means that you share what's going on inside, and you do it regularly, with enjoyment and in the spirit of mutual support. I realize that in most relationships there is a lot of venting, complaining, negotiating, disagreement and other forms of emotional mismatch. This will be true in the best relationships, but there will also be times when you share life as if soul to soul. It's those moments that need to grow and become your focus in being together.

A soul-to-soul relationship is incredibly fulfilling. Going into the light together can be uplifting in a way that two people could never anticipate, even though falling in love gives a very vivid glimpse of it. If you sincerely work on the three obstacles that cast a shadow over too many relationships, your willingness to find the light will certainly draw you into it—there is no greater promise.


Brotherhood
Deepak Chopra, MD, is the author of Brotherhood: Dharma, Destiny, and the American Dream and more than 75 books translated into over 35 languages, including 21 New York Times best-sellers. He is founder and chairman of The Chopra Foundation.


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