Ann paused for a second and said she would give it some thought. Then I asked her to reflect on the strategy of her everyday choices. That is, regardless of whether she is conscious or unconscious of what motivates her to make the choices she does in her life, a careful analysis of her choices will reveal a consistent pattern or direction in which she prefers to move, a direction that tends to take her toward her essential comfort zone. This is the zone that suits your inner nature, regardless of what you tell yourself you want or how long and hard you fantasize about something you think you want. You can't fool your deeper nature, and as people discover when they marry a fantasy, the divorce that follows happens because their inner nature quickly shattered the fantasy and immediately took charge of the marriage.
I finally asked Ann two questions that everyone who says she wants to be in a relationship, but continues to find that part of her life a mysterious challenge, should ask herself: Do your choices lead you toward relationships or away from them? Would you want to be in a relationship with you? (Well, would you?)
The second question genuinely caught Ann off-guard for a second. "I've never thought about being in a relationship with me."
I told her to just think about it for a second and answer it right off the top of her head. She said: "Well, I need to have things my way, and I guess I tell people what to do all the time. I don't like people to be in my space for too long because I like my time alone."
I interrupted and said: "You would be on the receiving end of you, Ann. That's what you would be living with: a person telling you what to do all the time, criticizing you and always letting you know you are inadequate and continually making you feel uncomfortable if you stayed in his space for too long. Could you live with that?"
Ann said: "No, I don't think I could live with me. I don't think I would want to live with me."
We finally decided if Ann really wanted a relationship, she would have to become a person she could live with. She would have to be that person with others. Unless she could do that—and not occasionally, but really become that person—she would have to really come to terms with the possibility she was already living the life that would make her the happiest.
Translation: Sometimes the pain and disappointment you carry in your heart is due to the death of fairy tales and myths, dreams that were never yours in the first place. One of the most intense sufferings in life is pursuing a life or chasing dreams that just don't belong to you. You may want them, but that doesn't mean you can have them. Look closely at the choices you consistently make in your life: What are they and where do they consistently lead you? You may already have the life you've been looking for, but have yet to realize it. All it may need is for you to add some recognition that you are right where you are supposed to be—and jump in with all your heart.
Caroline Myss has been in the field of energy medicine and human consciousness for 20 years. Since 1982, she has worked as a medical intuitive, providing individuals with an evaluation of the health of their energetic anatomy system. She specializes in assisting people in understanding the emotional, psychological and physical reasons their bodies have developed an illness. Myss is a New York Times best-selling author whose books include Anatomy of the Spirit, Why People Don't Heal and How They Can, Sacred Contracts and Entering the Castle. Myss' latest book, Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason, was published by Hay House in October 2009. Visit her website at Myss.com.
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