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What Mallards Know About Marriage
In the hilarious new book, Animals Talking in All Caps: It's Just What It Sounds Like by Justin Valmassoi, mallards—and black bears and dinosaurs—reveal the all-too-human side of long-term love.
ducks
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PUT YOUR KEYS IN YOUR PURSE? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
bears
WHOA, CALM DOWN. WHAT HAPPENED?

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH, IT WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE THING! I THINK I'M LITERALLY DYING! OH GOD!

JESUS, ARE YOU HURT? WAS IT HUNTERS? HAVE YOU BEEN SHOT?

NO, I READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT FACTORY FARMING! THOSE POOR PIGS!

...ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I THINK I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!
dino
MARK, WHERE IS MY LOOFAH? YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE! YOU KNOW I CAN'T REACH MY BACK WITHOUT MY LOOFAH! WHY WOULD YOU MOVE IT?
cat
CATHY, LET'S GO.

FOUR MORE MINUTES AND I'M LEAVING WITHOUT YOU. I MEAN IT.
dog
BECAUSE, ROGER! BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS 'FEMALE PRIVILEGE' IN THIS SOCIETY! WHAT YOU'RE THINKING OF IS WHAT WE CALL 'BENEVOLENT SEXISM' BECAUSE IT EXISTS ONLY WITHIN THE ESTABLISHED FRAMEWORK OF AN ALREADY CORRUPT PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM. BEING REWARDED FOR NOT SWIMMING AGAINST THE CURRENT IS NOT THE SAME THING. THE EXISTENCE OF A REWARD ISN'T PROOF OF PRIVILEGE BUT RATHER A MEANS FOR THE GREATER NARRATIVE OF SEXISM TO PERPETUATE ITSELF BY OFFERING CRUMBS FROM A LARGER MEAL. INSTITUTIONAL POWER IS STILL WHAT YOUR GENDER HOLDS OVER US IN ALL ASPECTS OF DAILY LIFE, AND UNTIL THOSE WALLS ARE LEVELED THE THINGS YOU SEE AS THE 'BENEFITS' OF BEING A WOMAN ARE ONLY FEATHERED SHACKLES!

SO I SHOULDN'T HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR YOU, IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

YES! NO! I DON'T KNOW.
lemurs
YOU'RE CARRYING A LOT OF TENSION IN YOUR SHOULDER GIRDLE. I CAN DO A LITTLE TO HELP BUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO SEE GARY, MY ACUPUNCTURIST.

...GOD, HE'S LIKE MAGIC.
dog with tongue hanging out
WHERE DID WE GET THIS PINOT GRIGIO? IT'S WONDERFUL.

HONESTLY, I DON'T EVEN CARE IF THE BAND PLAYS, AS LONG AS WE'VE GOT A COUPLE MORE BOTTLES OF THIS STUFF.

Next: Meerkats: They're cuter than sloths