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Heather:
Or it takes longer to stimulate him.

Oprah:
A lot of women are saying this these days. It's all a part of women owning their own sexuality.

Dr. Berman:
Yeah. And I think—and we're hearing that a lot more. I don't know if it's because women are owning it more or because more men are reporting it and there's—you know, because it's the men—it's the women who are supposed to have the headache.

Oprah:
Right.

Dr. Berman:
You know, men are supposed to always want it. And so when the man doesn't want it, there's so much shame for him and for her. "What's wrong with me?" And they—the woman owns it so much more than the guy might—

Oprah:
Right.

Dr. Berman:
—in a similar situation. And, you know, I think you definitely need to look at the relationship and what's going on there. But what we find is that men are susceptible to hormonal changes as well, to changes in medications as well that can affect their sexual response and their interest, and we also have found that while all stress pretty much will negatively affect a woman's libido, financial and work-related stress will really affect a man's libido. So if he's feeling bad about—

Oprah:
It affects his—

Dr. Berman:
His sense of masculinity—

Oprah:
And his identity.

Dr. Berman:
—and his identity. And so I don't know if that's been going on for him. But if he's having any work-related—related stress or money-related stress, you'll often see a big drop. Or if he's depressed.

Heather:
Okay, thank you.

Oprah:
Okay. But does that apply to you, Heather?

Heather:
We have a 2-and-a half-year-old daughter, and I know his work in the last I would say year has definitely taken—with the economy being what it is, the ups and downs, so he's in the entertainment industry and it's difficult to know if you're going to have a job tomorrow. So I would say yes to that.

Dr. Berman:
Yeah. Yeah. And some men actually—I mean, this is an aside. It's probably the financial in your case. But some men also once their wives have children and if they watched the childbirth will have a plummet in their—in their desire as well.

Oprah:
Yeah, we did that on the show.

Dr. Berman:
Yeah.

Oprah:
With the guy who said, "Once I saw that, it was just really hard to see it any other way."

Heather:
That's interesting because he did—he held my left thigh while we were delivering my baby. So that would be a good question.

Dr. Berman:
Yeah, ask him.

Oprah:
Yeah. Ask him. Yeah. Because did you see that show we had? I can't remember the guy's name who said he was—

Dr. Berman:
It was Shawn and Kerrie.

Oprah:
He was never the same.

Dr. Berman:
He had watched the childbirth, and he could never look at her genitals the same. Yeah.

Oprah:
Yeah. So that's why it's good for a lot of men who may feel that way to stay up top.

Dr. Berman:
Stay by the shoulder and look over the shoulder.

Oprah:
Stay by the shoulder and look over the shoulder.

Dr. Berman:
Not down at the thigh.

Heather:
Dr. Berman, you had also mentioned that if the testosterone levels are different, could that be something that could happen to someone?  

Dr. Berman:
Yeah.

Heather:
Like in their 30s?

Dr. Berman:
Usually not in your 30s. It's usually in your late 40s into your 50s. But if he's on any medications, if he has any medical conditions, if he's on antidepressants.

Oprah:
Blood pressure does it for a lot of guys. Blood pressure.

Dr. Berman:
Yeah. So—and if he's having any sexual response problems, the first thing that will happen to a guy if he loses his erection one time, you know, or if he thinks there's even a chance he's going to have problems with function, he'll shut down from sex completely rather than take a chance at failure. So sometimes there's something else going on function-wise that's then impacting on their sexual interests. So I would definitely get him to see a urologist who specializes in sexual medicine, and there are lots of those around. Lots of urologists do that. And get him, you know, a full workup to make sure everything's working well. But look at those other factors too.

Heather:
Okay, thank you.

Oprah:
Heather, thank you. So now Janet from Reno is on the phone. Janet, go for it.

Janet:
Hi, Oprah. Hi, Dr. Berman.

Oprah:
Hi.

Dr. Berman:
Hi.

Janet:
How are you?

Oprah:
We're good. We're good.

Janet:
Happy birthday, Oprah.

Oprah:
Almost. Almost.

Janet:
What a privilege to be on the show.

Oprah:
Thank you.

Janet:
I'm a happily married and straight 53-year-old woman, and I get sexually aroused just by thinking about men having sex with other men.

Oprah:
Well now.

Dr. Berman:
Right.

Janet:
I was just wondering if this was kind of abnormal.

Dr. Berman:
No.

Oprah:
Nothing's abnormal.

Dr. Berman:
Nothing's abnormal, and it's a common fantasy. Certainly we know that the most common fantasy for men is two women together.

Oprah:
Is it?

Dr. Berman:
Oh, yeah. Absolutely. A threesome or watching two women together. Yes. And for women, a big one is watching two men.

Oprah:
Look at Dean.

Dr. Berman:
Are we right, Dean?

Dean:
(Laughter.)

Dr. Berman:
Watching two men—

Oprah:
Dean goes, "You have five more minutes. I have nothing to say."

Janet:
I knew I think it would be a little bit kinky.

Oprah:
No.

Dr. Berman:
No, she's teasing Dean saying he's fantasizing about two women. You know what, it's not—it's not particularly kinky, and there's certainly a lot of pornography out there of men together geared at the gay community, but also many women find that arousing because they find men arousing and to see the two of them together and those two male bodies together is exciting. And the thing to remember about fantasy, and pornography falls into the realm of fantasy, is that it's just that. You're going to be turned on by things in your fantasy life that in your wildest imaginings would you ever want to do in real life. That's the joy of fantasy. So it doesn't mean if you—if you fantasize as a woman about having sex with another woman, it doesn't mean that you're a lesbian, you know, an if you fantasize about watching two men having sex and you find that arousing, it doesn't say anything necessarily about who you are or about what your real-life sexuality is about and how you want to express that.

 

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