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Lisa says she discovered her husband, Matt, was cheating on her when their nanny accidentally found his open e-mail account with more than 200 messages from his lover. She promptly told Lisa.

Gary says men often try to hide their cheating, even if the relationship has ended, because they cannot bear the guilt and are trying to cover it up. But if they are confronted by their wives, he says they need to come clean...but not necessarily about everything. "There's a very negative effect to telling everything, even if you as a woman must know," he says.

Gary says the best questions for a woman to ask are ones that will help her get a full picture of what happened and how to protect herself in the future. Gary says these are questions like: Who is she? Where did you meet her? How long ago did it happen? Do you still have anything to do with her? Do you still love her?

The questions to avoid are those that focus on specifics. A cheated-on woman should absolutely not ask: Did you tell her the same things you told me? Was she better at sex than me? What color underwear did she wear?

"It's very hard to get further past that when you have all that information," Gary says. "And here's the bottom line that a woman has to understand if you're going forward in this relationship and he's confessing and he's remorseful, and that is he was screwed up before. He made a mistake. He knows that. ... But right now he's saying, 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I really messed up.'"
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FROM: Why Men Cheat
Published on February 12, 2009

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